Is there something that takes more of your devotion than the one true God? Yes? Then you are worshiping an idol. In the city of Lagos, there are three major idols: money, power, and today’s focus – sex. When sex becomes an idol in society, it becomes desacralised, and the conditions are perfect for sexual abuse to occur; for sex to make victims.
When sex becomes an idol, the conditions are perfect for sexual abuse to occur
The Terrible Rape of Tamar
In this sermon, Femi Osunnuyi walks us through the painful story of Tamar and Amnon. Tamar, the 14-year-old daughter of King David, is raped by her half-brother Amnon.
“The thing about this particular story is the amount of time, the vividness, the almost step-by-step account that is given in this story. The writer wants you not to miss something. He wants you to be shocked. He wants you to be aghast, repulsed, angry, sad.
And he wants us not to be quiet when we see these things happen around us.”
Stop Sex Making Victims
“There are many victims of sexual abuse in our society – in our churches, maybe even in this church. Sexual abuse has long been a taboo subject in our society and our churches. And that needs to stop.
We in the Church must be at the forefront of opposition to sexual abuse.
We in the Church must be at the forefront of opposition to sexual abuse. Why? Because this very ancient Bible that we read, has long ago taught us about the sanctity of sex, the horror of sexual abuse, and how we should behave towards those who are abused. Case in point. The story of Tamar and Amnon.”
Justice & A New Beginning
“Now, I should also say this. If you are someone here who has suffered sexual abuse at any point in your life, there’s ultimately hope for you. And we will also learn that you can be restored in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I titled this sermon ‘When Sex Makes Victims’. And it will be explored under three subheadings. One, becoming a sexual abuse victim. Two, the plight of a sexual abuse victim. Three, the healing of a sexual abuse victim.”
For a full transcript of this sermon, please click on the toggle button below. Or listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.
Text: 2 Samuel 13:1-21
Preached: 21 October 2018
Location: City Church, Lagos, Nigeria
Transcript
2 Samuel 13:1-21
1 In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.
2 Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.
3 Now Amnon had an advisor named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. 4 He asked Amnon, ‘Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?’
Amnon said to him, ‘I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.’
5 ‘Go to bed and pretend to be ill,’ Jonadab said. ‘When your father comes to see you, say to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so that I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.”’
6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so that I may eat from her hand.’
7 David sent word to Tamar at the palace: ‘Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.’ 8 So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. 9 Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.
‘Send everyone out of here,’ Amnon said. So everyone left him. 10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food here into my bedroom so that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11 But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, ‘Come to bed with me, my sister.’
12 ‘No, my brother!’ she said to him. ‘Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.’ 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, ‘Get up and get out!’
16 ‘No!’ she said to him. ‘Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.’
But he refused to listen to her. 17 He called his personal servant and said, ‘Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.’ 18 So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
20 Her brother Absalom said to her, ‘Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.’ And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.
21 When King David heard all this, he was furious.
This is the word of the Lord.
Idols And The City
Good morning everyone. Particularly a special welcome to you if this is your first time with us. My name is Femi. We’ve been doing a sermon series since the beginning of September, and we’ve called it idols and the city.
And it’s based on the fact that, well, you know – we are a church so we have to preach the Bible. And the Bible actually paints a particular picture of humanity and it says this. Look, there’s one God that created human beings in his image. We even confessed that when we were talking about statement of faith together.
What Are Idols?
But he says, “look, because there’s one God that created us in his image, he also created us all to be worshipers. So we all worship something. Now, the point is, if you don’t worship that God, then you worship what is called an idol.
If you worship something that takes more of your devotion than the one true God, you are worshiping an idol.
And we said if you look in the city of Lagos, you may not be seeing idols like these graven images on the screen. But, anytime you worship something that takes more of your devotion than the one true God, then you are worshiping an idol.
Three Major Idols In Lagos
And so this series is based on the fact that there are three major idols that we find in the city of Lagos, that takes our devotion.
Money, Sex, Power
One is money. And most of our – all our sermons in September were devoted to that – they were sermons on money. And then this month is sex. And the last month is power. So this month, October, is sex and then November is power.
So we’ve already done I think three sermons this month already. If I’m not mistaken. Two? Three. We’ve done three. So this is the forth one.
The Story of Larry Nassar
So let me start off with this from an article. It’s about a guy called Larry Nassar. So I want to read about Larry Nassar to you. Larry Nassar practiced at the very top tier, with some of the most elite American gymnasts. In 1986 he begain working with USA Gymnastics. That’s the government body that selects Olympic teams. He started working with them as an athletic trainer.
He went to medical school at Michigan State University, and then became the Chief Medical Co-ordinator for USA Gymnastics in 1996. He attended the Atlanta ’96 Olympic games. He also attended the Sydney Games in 2000, Beijing in 2008 and London in 2012.
Essentially this guy was a very accomplished person and a very powerful person.
A Serial Sexual Abuser
Larry Nassar was also a serial sexual abuser.
About 300 women came forward, testifying to his deplorable actions. Many of them minors when he abused them.
[Extract from this vox article] Megan Halicek went to Dr. Larry Nassar as a 15-year-old gymnast suffering from a fractured spine. But during what was supposed to be a routine appointment, Nassar assaulted her. She said, I quote: “Again and again and again… He abused me, all the while telling me stories about his Olympic journey.”
“I closed my eyes tight, I held my breath, and I wanted to puke,” she recalled. “To this day, those feelings are still there.”
A judge sentenced Nassar to up to 175 years in prison for his crimes in January 2018.
Sadly, there are many Larry Nassars around us today. They may not be at the same level at which he did his or practiced his abuse, but even the abuse of one person is horrible enough.
The Taboo of Sexual Abuse
Even more sadly there are many victims of sexual abuse in our society – in our churches, maybe even in this church. Sexual abuse has long been a taboo subject in out society and our churches. And that needs to stop.
While Larry Nassar practiced in the secular space, if you’ve listened, there’s been a scandal that’s also been going on that’s ripped the Catholic Church in the United States. What does that mean? The secular space is not only ones. We Christians are not exempt from this.
The #Metoo and Time’s Up movements – whatever your reservations are about them – I think they are positive developments towards the injustices that arise when these harrowing actions continue, they are left to fester, and then we are not allowed to speak about them.
The Church Needs To Stand Against Sexual Abuse
Now I want to say though, that we in the Church must be at the forefront of opposition to sexual abuse. Why? Because this very ancient Bible that we read, has long ago taught us about the sanctity of sex, the horror of sexual abuse, and how do we behave towards those who are abused.
We in the Church must be at the forefront of opposition to sexual abuse
Case in point. The story of Tamar and Amnon, like we just read.
The Story of Tamar and Amnon
Let me set a bit of the background. The story is set within the context of David’s immediate family. David is Israel’s second king, but also their greatest king.
The Players
And the players here are Amnon, his first son. Jonadab, Amnon’s cousin and advisor. Absalom, David’s third son. Tamar, his daughter and Absalom’s sister, and David himself.
Now, I don’t know if you are like me, when you read the Bible you want to not just read verses and chapters alone, but you want to read books of the Bible. Why? Because when you read books of the Bible you can trace themes that help see what the writer is trying to say. And that helps you with particular verses, so that you don’t quote verses out of context.
The Themes
And when you read 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel there are big things going on there about God establishing his king. The kingdom of God. All those things are there.
The Style
But the thing about this particular story is the amount of time, the vividness, the almost step-by-step account that is given in this story. The writer wants you not to miss something. He wants you to be shocked. He wants you to be aghast, repulsed, angry, sad.
Now lastly, not to be quiet when we see these things happen around us.
Let me warn you from the beginning. This is a difficult read.
And it’s going to be a difficult sermon. And of course it should be so. Because Tamar went through something very difficult.
When Sex Makes Victims
What we would learn, is that when sex becomes an idol in society, it becomes desacralised and it creates the conditions for sexual abuse to occur. Thus making sexual victims.
When sex becomes an idol in society… it creates the conditions for sexual abuse to occur
Now I should also say this. If you are someone here who has suffered sexual abuse at any point in your life, there’s ultimately hope for you. And we will also learn that you can be restored in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
So I’ve titled this sermon ‘When Sex Makes Victims’. And it will be explored under three subheadings. One, becoming a sexual abuse victim. Two, the plight of a sexual abuse victim. Three, the healing of a sexual abuse victim.
So let’s go into the first point.
Becoming A Sexual Abuse Victim
Now when you read 2 Samuel 13:1 we are told that Amnon fell in love with Tamar. What’s wrong with falling in love? Nothing! Except don’t be mistaken. It’s not the kind of love that we understand. It’s not the romantic love. How do we know?
Amnon Was Obsessed
Well, first of all in verse 2, look he says “Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar”. And the obsession that he had with Tamar had something to do with something he wanted to get from her. It wasn’t just “Oh I’m obsessed with her.” It’s that she has something I need to get. And he was prevented from getting it. Again we read that in verse 2.
She was a virgin. Which means she was of marriageable age and she was sexually mature, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. He was obsessed. It was something he wanted to get, but he couldn’t. He was somehow prevented from it. And this made poor Amnon haggard every monring.
Verse 4: ‘Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning?’ It’s because he was prevented from doing what he wanted to do to her.
Jonadab Was Shrewd, and Evil
How’s he going to overcome such a barrier? Well, I don’t know. Some of us have cousins. Some of our cousins are nice, some of our cousins are good. Some um… you know, it’s just they are bits of irritants. How many of have evil cousins? He’s wise (shrewd it says) Jonadab. But he’s also evil.
Now what does he do? When he combines both of these things he plots a scheme that enables Amnon to be able to overcome that barrier, so that Amnon and Tamar could be in the same place.
The Scheme
So what does he do? He says pretend like you are ill. And you know there is nothing that illicit’s sympathy more than being ill.
I used to do that a lot when I was a kid with my mum. You actually get ill, but then what happens is the medicine kicks in, it starts to work, but you’ve enjoyed the pampering so… you say ah it’s so hard! After one or two days your mum actually says that “Go and wash plates. You’re not that ill again.”
And so that illness, the potential of illness, then brought his father David. David came, saw him, and at that point he’s ready to give him anything he wants. So what does he want? He says “all the people that are here, serving food, I don’t really like. I want some family member to come and feed me. I want them to come and make food from me. I want Tamar to come and do that.
So later David tells, verse 7, he tells Tamar to go to her brother’s house. And then what is she meant to do? She goes there, she kneads bread, she bakes it, and she serves him in a pan. He doesn’t want to take in the pan. So he sends everyone else out, and she’s ready to give him on her hand.
Why Did Tamar Go To Amnon?
Why?
Well one is that not only did Amnon make David sympathise with him, but also Tamar. Tamar saw her brother, her brother was ill, and she wanted to help her brother.
Second is that even when he said everyone should leave, let me tell you the last thing that entered Tamar’s head was that he was going to try to rape her. You know why? She trusted him. She trusted him.
She Trusted Him
David trusted him. “Go to your brother’s house”. She trusted him – “of course my half-brother would not do anything like this to me!” And that is exactly what he needed.
Most people that will tell you that they’ve been sexually abused will tell you this. It came from someone who they trusted. Listen to one of Larry Nassar’s victims.
“Nassar’s victims said the doctor cannily won over their trust, making them feel special or privileged because of his position with USA Gymnastics. He operated in a sport where injuries can end careers, and young athletes deferred to his authority.”
Trust Is A Key Element To Abuse
Listen to what someone said.
Quote: “He was always that person who would stick up for me and make me feel like he had my back. The more I think about it, the more I realise how twisted he was, how he manipulated me to make me think that he had my back when he didn’t.”
With Larry Nassar’s victims it was both his expertise, but also the fact that he seemed caring, that made them trust him.
In Tamar’s case it’s worse. It’s one of her own family.
You have to wonder why many people, when they tell their stories, they will tell you “It was my elder cousin that violated me. It was Uncle This that violated me.” Some people, unfortunately, it was even their own parent that violated them. Why? Because to enable sexual abusers to go on and do their thing, they need the key element of trust. And Amnon saw that trust, and he used it.
Love and Force Do Not Go Together
Well, soon enough the one who supposedly was in love with Tamar, you know what he did? He grabber her, verse 11. Verse 12, he forced her. Let me tell you something about love. The word love does not come with the word force.
Neither does it come with the word grab. They don’t come together. In fact, once you do that you misunderstand love. Because it’s meant to be freely given. Just to show this guy was not really in love with her. He wanted something from her.
The Rape
That is why when in verse 12 she is appealing to him, he ignored her appeals until he got what he truly wanted.
And then you get this very, very chilling part. Verse 14. “Because he was stronger than she, he raped her.”
How horrible.
Now you want to get something you want. Something that should be freely given. But because the person doesn’t want to freely give, you then take something that you have above the person, power, and you get what you want.
With this single act of self-seeking pleasure – which probably lasted 5-10 minutes – Amnon had changed the course of Tamar’s life, forever. And for ill. For what?
Consequences Be Damned
Maybe you can listen to Tamar’s cries. Maybe some of you have cried like this when she said, “what about me? Please think about me. Where will I get rid of my disgrace. Or if you don’t have that compassion what about you? Think of the consequences. Don’t be like these wicked, foolish, men in Israel.”
Well you know what happens when sex is an idol – and it was an idol for him – and sexual drive is treated just like when you are very hungry. It’s exactly what happened to him, he damned all the consequences.
When people, as I like to say, they stop thinking here and they start thinking with the thing down there, they do all manner of things which if you laid out – here are the consequences of what is going to happen to you – he still needs to first appease that drive. That’s why he damned the consequences.
Amnon Dehumanised Tamar
What did he think about her? What about her? If he wanted to put the punishment upon himself – what about her? Don’t you understand? If he’s feeling and animalistic desire in himself then the one who is going to help him to appease that, that one is not a human being. That one becomes an object.
Lust, not love, is the opposite of hatred. They come from the same source
So she’s talking, we don’t hear that he says anything, until he rapes her. She becomes a mere object for him. Look how dreadful it was. How he dehumanised her. Verse 15: “Then Amnon hated her.”
Wow. I thought he was in love with her? No.
His True Emotions On Display
Guys because lust, not love, is the opposite of hatred. They come from the same source.
He “hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her.” (2 Samuel 13:15). Well it makes sense because he finally got what he wanted. Now that he’s got what he wanted, his true emotions to her as a human being was now on display.
He didn’t think of her as a human being. What does he say? “Get up, get out.”
He really didn’t think about her as a human being
He Scorns Her
She’d now become an object of scorn. In fact, later when he says – and she refused to get out – because she’s like “this thing that you’ve done to me – no – if you send me out it’s even worse than how you’ve violated me!”
Look, this man, he called his servants to come and bundle out a daughter of the king. Just to show you that he really didn’t think about her as a human being.
And then what did he say to his servant? “Get this woman out of my sight”. Now listen, in the Hebrew it’s not actually “Get this woman out of my sight.” In the Hebrew there’s actually no word ‘woman’. The translator just inserted it. In the Hebrew, literally, he says “Get this out of my sight.”
Why Is This So Horrible?
He’s finally been appeased, and he saw her as an object.
Why’s this thing so viscerally bad? Why is it, maybe you’re here and your suffering when you were a child, or someday, is that somebody flogged you a lot of times. Now don’t get me wrong. To flog people – you know – is not a particularly good thing. Although some of us here would say that being flogged was a good thing for us.
Sex Is Sacred
But why is that this kind of suffering, why is it so horrible? Do you know why? Because sex is a sacred thing. By sacred I mean something that is holy. Something you hold dear.
As I said in the first service, when I was in school, you could abuse me, say anything you want. Say anything about my friends. Abuse all us. Ah it’s fine. I mean I was a fighter but I didn’t just fight anyhow. If you said this to me though – “your Papa”, or “your Mama” – Oh my God – I don’t care if you are three times my size. I will fight.
Because at that point you have just desecrated something that means so much to me. Why? I held my parents to be sacred.
What he treated as fulfilling an animalistic desire, she felt to be a desecration of her temple.
Why do people see it as such a terrible and barbaric thing when people go and destroy graves of people? Why? Because when we go to a grave-side we see it as a sacred place.
The reason why she felt so horrible, why she mourned, why she wept aloud, was because something that was sacred to her had just been taken away from her. And she had no choice in the matter.
What he treated as fulfilling an animalistic desire, she felt to be a desecration of her temple.
The Irony Of Idolising Sex
You know the very funny thing? Is that when sex is made an idol, ironically you start to treat it as a common thing; a must-have thing. And in that situation sexual victims are never far off.
We are deifying sex. And it’s not just the influence of Western culture.
And our culture is one where we are deifying sex. And it’s not just the influence of Western culture. No, no, no, no – we’ve always had it. We deify sex. It’s such a wonderful thing!
Ironically when you do that, and you have it as a god, it’s not that all of a sudden sex matters so much that we keep it sacred. No. When you put sex and make it an ultimate thing, it eventually becomes desacralised and you have to make it a common thing. Sex on demand.
Sex All Over The Air Waves
So what do we do?
We live in a time where many of our celebrities, for instance, make musical videos where women that appear on those videos, are not there for anything else than to titivate young men’s sexual urges. Am I wrong?
I mean you get a guy who is singing – I don’t know… maybe he is singing about Nigeria. Maybe he is singing about Lagos. Such a wonderful place. He is singing particular lyrics about maybe Ebute Metta, or maybe Ojuelegba, or something. And then, at the side two women – we don’t even see their faces – they turn their backsides and they are mean to be shaking. For what purpose?
Our young men, see women as objects that are meant to fulfil their sexual desires.
And then, in the same breath, maybe somebody who is a feminist comes on there, on the radio waves, and is interviewing that person because he is a creative genius.
So we celebrate these people as ambassadors, and give them all the airtime to perpetrate and catechise. To perpetrate their nonsense and catechise our young men, to see women as objects that are meant to fulfil their sexual desires.
We deify sex as an idol, and we continue to create the conditions that allow sexual victims to continue to be produced.
Harassment
Now not every woman is raped, but some are harassed. How? Through groping. Some people here – probably, you haven’t been raped – but somebody has touched you in a way they shouldn’t; Through sexual advances, unwanted sexual advances. And there’s nothing you can do about it – you’re just meant to smile.
Our culture is an Amnon producing factory, and this has to stop.
You’re meant to pretend as though he didn’t mean what he meant. And he wants you to behave as though he didn’t mean what he meant. But both of you know, what he meant.
Or sexual requests tied to favours – a promotion. Or maybe an academic grade. Especially if you went to a Nigerian university, you know what I’m talking about.
Indecent exposures. Guys, our culture is an Amnon producing factory, and this has to stop.
The Plight of The Sexual Abuse Victim
Second point. The plight of the sexual abuse victim.
So what’s the plight of the sexual abuse victim after the deed, after the abuse? Hopefully they can get some kind of succour. But what we find here is very chilling.
Dis-Graced
First of all let’s look at verse 13 again. When she left, she is left disgraced. “Where could I get rid of my disgrace? ” Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Think of that word: dis-grace, dis-grace. Literally, somebody who carried herself with grace, has had her grace undone; the grace has been turned into shame.
Her heart has been ripped, and now her head is mourning with ashes.
So vividly expressed, such that the daughter of a king, who wore an ornate robe, she has to rip that robe and put ashes on her head. (2 Samuel 13:18-19) Literally she’s bringing to light in the physical, what has happened to her emotionally and spiritually.
Her heart has been ripped, and now her head is mourning with ashes.
Who Will Hear Her?
And so she walks down in verse 19, she is weeping aloud. Weeping aloud! Who is going to hear her? Because, up until now, as we in verse 14 and verse 16, when she spoke to Amnon, it says “but he refused to listen to her.”
Now she is no longer with Amnon. She has been bundled out, and she’s weeping aloud. Thankfully, I’m sure, somebody is going to listen to her. Will someone listen to her? Will we listen to our victims?
Two Typical Reactions To Abuse Victims
Well, she gets two reactions. Typical reactions from what abuse victims receive. One, keep them quiet. Two, keep quiet.
Keep them Quiet
Ah – thank God. Her brother Absalom. Here he comes. “My brother will help me. Finally I will get something. My brother comes.” And what does Absalom do? Verse 20: ‘Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now.”
Oh my God. Those are very chilling words.
Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now
Sadly, Tamar was not the last woman to hear those chilling words after the abuse. Back to Larry Nassar. Hear what one of his victims said:
“I’m so angry, after realising that we were abused” USA Gymnastics, remember the government body? “Let him continue to molest other gymnasts when they told me there was an investigation going on… They told me to be quiet. I thought that they were doing the right thing, and I didn’t want to tip off the investigation. I trusted them and I shouldn’t have.”
Consequences of Cheapening Sex
You see when we cheapen our view of sex, we do the same for sexual assault. What do I mean by that?
The Liberationists
The problem… when I say we cheapen our view of sex – there’s one, the sexual liberationists, that want sex to be multiplied everywhere. Anyone should have sex whenever, whenever they want to, as long as you are over the age of 18 or what have you.
The Prudes
But then, like Emmanuel showed us two weeks ago, you also have those who are purists if you like. Or not even purists – they are just prudes. And they basically look at sex as if sex is not for pleasure. “Sex is just that thing that we have to do to give birth to children. And just have to give to men. So, you know, it’s just that thing there. It’s an inconvenience.”
We Don’t Speak About It
For them it’s not sacred. So what happens? “Ooh you’ve been sexually molested. Ah that’s bad. It’s not good. Yeah I think I should speak about it. Ah no… speak about it… OK who did it? Isn’t it Uncle This that did it? Hah – if you do that, what about his wife? What will his wife say? How about the children? And then what would that do for our family?”
So we end up protecting the abuser, instead of helping the abused. Shame on us.
That’s what Absalom said. He said “he’s your brother.” Probably the most stupid statement in the Bible. “Don’t take this thing to heart.” What?! She should just park it outside, like what happened? She just lost a bet or something? Don’t take it to heart? We don’t want this reputation to be soiled.
Now, for many of us too, maybe that’s what’s happened to you. A family member did the act, you have been conditioned: “I don’t want to bring, I don’t want to bring him down.” And so we end up protecting the abuser, instead of helping the abused. Shame on us.
For Absalom, it was because he had a revenge plan. It was going to take two years to fulfil, and he didn’t want her to set Amnon into the plan. So he said “shhh” keep quiet.
Keep Quiet
And the second one, keep quiet. Keep them quiet – the first – second, keep quiet. So if we’ve kept them quiet, then we ourselves have to keep quiet. Right?
King David’s Response To Tamar’s Rape
And hopefully, that will not be the case. I mean hopefully now – Absalom was one thing – but David, her dad, David himself was deceived. You know that. Now this is David the King. The King after God’s own heart! Surely David is gonna do something! Because David understands that he’s a representative of Israel’s true king.
Israel’s true king is their God – Yahweh. And in Psalm 9:7 it tells us that Yahweh reigns forever, as king. He has established his throne for judgement. He rules the world in righteousness and judges the people with equity. Yahweh is a refuge for the oppressed! A stronghold in times of trouble. And of course, David, is going to do and behave like Yahweh.
He Was Furious. Full Stop
Verse 21: “When King David heard all this, he was furious.” I told you! David is gonna do something.
The right emotion to show – he was furious. “How can this happen to my kingdom? How can this happen to my daughter? And I was even put in the plot!”
Surely David is going to do something about it? And the worst placed full stop you’ve ever seen in the Bible. David was furious, full stop. What a coward.
David did nothing. David kept quiet.
I don’t know why he did it. My guess, it wasn’t just to protect PR of the family. My guess is that he did it because he couldn’t… the inconvenience would have been too much. Well, if you have to investigate these things it can take long; it’s long hours. It’s going to be intruding on your time. And maybe the person is going to continue crying.
It happened once Abi. She can take one for the family. We all have to sacrifice. David did nothing. David did nothing. David kept quiet. And you can see increasing stages to keep her quiet.
First stage: with Amnon, she is present, allowed to speak, and she is not listened to. Whit Absalom, she is present, but she is prevented from speaking. With David, she’s not even present to speak at all.
What Is Patriarchy?
How many of us have heard of the word patriarchy? Or the concept, patriarchy? What is patriarchy? Well I’ve coined a definition, as far as I understand it.
Patriarchy (it’s slightly long!) is a socially oppressive system, operated by men – consciously or unconsciously – with a goal to maintaining male dominance, while directly stifling the flourishing of women by denying them reasonable opportunities to grow, at best, and subjecting them to various abuses at worst.
It’s a socially oppressive system – consciously or unconsciously – run by men; operated by men. And it has one goal: to keep male dominance. While at the same time, it wants to stop female flourishing.
How does it achieve that?
At best, it stops women, giving them opportunities for good. But at worst, it subjects them to various abuses.
The Roles of The Four Men
It is not a coincidence. This whole thing happened to Tamar, and it happened with four men.
Amnon and Jonadab were responsible for the disgrace that came upon Tamar. David and Absalom were responsible for that disgrace becoming desolation: “And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.” (2 Samuel 13:20)
Would You Speak Out?
Let me ask you, if you were a 14-year-old girl that had just been raped in Israel, but you saw what happened to the king’s daughter; how the king’s daughter could not get justice, even though she spoke out, let me ask you a question, would you speak out about your own? I can’t hear you. Will you speak out? No.
Why? Because you would only get insult upon injury.
The power of patriarchy means that they will only get insult upon injury.
You already have disgrace. But if you speak out, maybe you will not be believed. Or maybe, you will be told to keep quiet. Or maybe, you will be threatened, if it involves a powerful person.
Too many girls and women in our societies have kept silent about their experiences, because the power of patriarchy means that they will only get insult upon injury.
This Abuse Is Happening In Churches
Sadly, this is happening in churches! “But you know we cannot speak against the Man of God.” Out! Which ‘Man of God’ is perfect?
And if it comes out, what even happens? Not only is she now told to keep quiet, but she gets an onslaught of abuse.
We are more interested in protecting oppressors, institutions and diabolically oppressive systems, just so that they don’t come tumbling down.
Maybe the church would say something like this: “We don’t answer insults. We will give a very robust reply very soon.” All the while not saying anything. And then all the followers, or the people, go against the lady. And then you say somebody else should speak out?
“My disgrace is enough. I don’t want to become desolate.”
We Protect Oppressors, Not Victims
Sadly, we are more interested in protecting oppressors, institutions and diabolically oppressive systems, just so that they don’t come tumbling down. And we leave victims desolate. May God bring down every oppressive system!
What is even sadder, is that some people find the courage to come out years after, only for them to be over-scrutinised with irrational fact checking. Or with ignorant retorts like this: “Ah, but why didn’t you speak out around that time?”
We leave victims desolate
First of all, you don’t understand the disgrace they felt. Who likes to talk about the fact that they’ve been violated? The shame remains. But second, you don’t understand how societies have treated these people. Most times, if they speak out, would you listen to them?
Look how she spoke to her brother, and her father, but they didn’t listen. In fact she didn’t get to see her Dad. And her brother said, don’t worry, I understand, keep quiet.
This needs to stop.
Healing Of The Sexual Abuse Victim
It takes me to my third point. Healing of the sexual abuse victim.
When I was preparing for this, I was haunted by her question in verse 13: “What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace?” Where can I get rid of it? Something so horrible. My temple has been violated. Is there any way I can get rid of my disgrace?”
Will She Ever Get Justice?
Now, maybe like in Nassar’s case, for instance, he was sentenced to life, and many of his victims got settlements. But the truth is, that most people, they never get any of these two things. I mean forget the two, They don’t get one.
And even when Amnon is killed, two year’s after, by Absalom, that had more to do with Absalom getting his revenge than him seeking justice for his sister.
And you know what’s so bad? You don’t hear about Tamar again. It’s like her voice has just been silenced. That’s it, move on.
And the question is, will she ever actually get justice? Will her voice ever actually be heard?
Tamar Needs Two Things
Because Tamar needs two things. She needs appropriate justice, that is, the evil that has been done to her needs to be punished. But the second thing she needs, she needs to be made new. That’s the disgrace issue; her shame needs to be taken away.
And the question is, even if your perpetrator was sentenced for 50 years or 100 years, is that really enough? For some people, like, that’s not enough. What if he lives for those 50 years and he comes out, that’s it?
Tamar needed a better king and a better brother, to deliver justice that would make her new.
No. You need not just justice, but appropriate justice. And the second thing is that even if you find fellow people that have been abused – which is a wonderful thing – so that there are people who can understand what you’ve gone through, even then you find that they are powerless to make you new.
Tamar needed a king that was better than David, and a brother that was better than Absalom, to deliver justice that would make her new.
What you need, is someone that can help you. Someone that can give you the justice for this thing that has happened to you, but at the same time making you new.
There Is Good News
And there is good news. Because that person does exist.
You see Tamar’s voice wasn’t silenced forever. Why? Because centuries later, a king in David’s line, when seeing the oppression that his children had gone through, he was not only furious and forgot about it. He came down from his comfortable abode to do something about it.
Centuries later, when someone saw the pain, the suffering, of his brothers and his sisters – especially like those who have been sexually abused – he came and executed justice. Not out of personal revenge against the oppressors, but with the goal of making the victims new.
Jesus On The Oppressive Cross
Jesus on the oppressive cross. A cross that was set up by an oppressive system; he was judged under an oppressive system. Jesus on the cross, was disgraced – for it was the most shameful way to die. And he was left to be desolate. He did this so that he could identify with all kinds of victims who have been oppressed; just like sexually abused victims.
He could identify with all kinds of victims who have been oppressed
He received the appropriate, just punishment, for the oppression, and took upon their shame, if they call upon his name. Paul puts it in Romans 10:9 this way: “if you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” and Romans 10:11: “As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.’
Being Made New
Jesus went to the cross to take away your shame. Jesus went to the cross to make you brand new. I promise you this: if you trust in him, you will be made new.
Paul puts it in another sense in 2 Corinthians 5:17. He says for all those who trust in him, call upon his name, they will be a new creation. Because you don’t just want your shame to be painted on, like we paint on – like, you know, if you want to make this wall black for instance. You just paint black on top of this.
No. What you need is a brand new life. And Pauls says about what Jesus has done, he says “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and, what? The new is here.
A New Way Of Defining Yourself
Please understand me. Jesus gives you a new way of defining yourself. Not by your abuse, but by the abuse that he suffered for you.
Jesus gives you a new way of defining yourself. Not by your abuse, but by the abuse that he suffered for you.
He does so, not by silencing your pain as though it doesn’t matter, but what does he do? He absorbs the full force of it on the cross. Jesus is the only saviour; the one one who can fully sympathise with you. Why? Because he’s suffered the same thing you’ve suffered, only more intensely.
And with his own death; his own suffering, it wasn’t just so that he could sit down with you here and say “discuss your suffering, let me discuss my suffering.” No. His death was for you. He absorbs your pain.
But there’s more.
Transforming Victims Into Victors
Because Jesus did not remain on the cross. No. He rose again. And in his resurrection, he transforms victims into victors. Paul again in Romans 8:34-37:
“Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died – more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” or sexual abuse? “As it is written:
‘For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors.”
Oppression No Longer Defines You
Let me tell you this. Because of what Christ has done – in his death and resurrection – you can look at your oppression, you can look at your oppressors and say, “you no longer define me. Christ defines me.”
You can look at your oppressors and say, ‘You no longer define me. Christ defines me.’
You can look at your oppressors, you can look at your oppression, and say “I am a new woman, I am a new man, in Christ. All things have passed away.” Literally have passed away. Why? Because in fact, Jesus was raised from the dead.
Jesus Overcomes Everything They’ve Done
(Romans 8:38-39) “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,” Paul is going into superlative categories now, “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Your oppressor and your abuser did not take love, they abused you, they violated your will. But Jesus is the one that brings the love to you, that overcomes everything they’ve done. He’s here to make you new.
Would you call upon his name.
Would you call upon his name.
The Church Is Meant To Be God’s Family
And in closing, I want to say a word to us as a church. You know the church, and I’m saying it as a church, City Church. The church is meant to be God’s family, isn’t it? Let’s remember that. Let’s not behave like David’s family. Because my encouragement and my hope to people that’ve been abused, and have probably have not fully gotten over it here in this church, is I want you to speak out.
Now ,I’m not saying that we’re going to bring you up here and tell you to speak. But I want you to speak. Speak about your story – we want to hear. The leaders to listen to you. Particularly the female leaders, if you are a female that’s gone through this.
But as a church we have to behave like God’s family.
let’s be willing, number one, to listen to people’s stories. Not that immediately that they start, they want to talk about it, then you interject. It may cause you one day, it may cause you one week. And let’s be willing to mourn with them. Because even though we rejoice with those who rejoice
2 Samuel 13:1-21
1 In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.
2 Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.
3 Now Amnon had an advisor named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. 4 He asked Amnon, ‘Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?’
Amnon said to him, ‘I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.’
5 ‘Go to bed and pretend to be ill,’ Jonadab said. ‘When your father comes to see you, say to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so that I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.”’
6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so that I may eat from her hand.’
7 David sent word to Tamar at the palace: ‘Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.’ 8 So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. 9 Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.
‘Send everyone out of here,’ Amnon said. So everyone left him. 10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food here into my bedroom so that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11 But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, ‘Come to bed with me, my sister.’
12 ‘No, my brother!’ she said to him. ‘Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.’ 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, ‘Get up and get out!’
16 ‘No!’ she said to him. ‘Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.’
But he refused to listen to her. 17 He called his personal servant and said, ‘Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.’ 18 So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
20 Her brother Absalom said to her, ‘Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.’ And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.
21 When King David heard all this, he was furious.
This is the word of the Lord.
Idols And The City
Good morning everyone. Particularly a special welcome to you if this is your first time with us. My name is Femi. We’ve been doing a sermon series since the beginning of September, and we’ve called it idols and the city.
And it’s based on the fact that, well, you know – we are a church so we have to preach the Bible. And the Bible actually paints a particular picture of humanity and it says this. Look, there’s one God that created human beings in his image. We even confessed that when we were talking about statement of faith together.
What Are Idols?
But he says, “look, because there’s one God that created us in his image, he also created us all to be worshipers. So we all worship something. Now, the point is, if you don’t worship that God, then you worship what is called an idol.
If you worship something that takes more of your devotion than the one true God, you are worshiping an idol.
And we said if you look in the city of Lagos, you may not be seeing idols like these graven images on the screen. But, anytime you worship something that takes more of your devotion than the one true God, then you are worshiping an idol.
Three Major Idols In Lagos
And so this series is based on the fact that there are three major idols that we find in the city of Lagos, that takes our devotion.
Money, Sex, Power
One is money. And most of our – all our sermons in September were devoted to that – they were sermons on money. And then this month is sex. And the last month is power. So this month, October, is sex and then November is power.
So we’ve already done I think three sermons this month already. If I’m not mistaken. Two? Three. We’ve done three. So this is the forth one.
The Story of Larry Nassar
So let me start off with this from an article. It’s about a guy called Larry Nassar. So I want to read about Larry Nassar to you. Larry Nassar practiced at the very top tier, with some of the most elite American gymnasts. In 1986 he begain working with USA Gymnastics. That’s the government body that selects Olympic teams. He started working with them as an athletic trainer.
He went to medical school at Michigan State University, and then became the Chief Medical Co-ordinator for USA Gymnastics in 1996. He attended the Atlanta ’96 Olympic games. He also attended the Sydney Games in 2000, Beijing in 2008 and London in 2012.
Essentially this guy was a very accomplished person and a very powerful person.
A Serial Sexual Abuser
Larry Nassar was also a serial sexual abuser.
About 300 women came forward, testifying to his deplorable actions. Many of them minors when he abused them.
[Extract from this vox article] Megan Halicek went to Dr. Larry Nassar as a 15-year-old gymnast suffering from a fractured spine. But during what was supposed to be a routine appointment, Nassar assaulted her. She said, I quote: “Again and again and again… He abused me, all the while telling me stories about his Olympic journey.”
“I closed my eyes tight, I held my breath, and I wanted to puke,” she recalled. “To this day, those feelings are still there.”
A judge sentenced Nassar to up to 175 years in prison for his crimes in January 2018.
Sadly, there are many Larry Nassars around us today. They may not be at the same level at which he did his or practiced his abuse, but even the abuse of one person is horrible enough.
The Taboo of Sexual Abuse
Even more sadly there are many victims of sexual abuse in our society – in our churches, maybe even in this church. Sexual abuse has long been a taboo subject in out society and our churches. And that needs to stop.
While Larry Nassar practiced in the secular space, if you’ve listened, there’s been a scandal that’s also been going on that’s ripped the Catholic Church in the United States. What does that mean? The secular space is not only ones. We Christians are not exempt from this.
The #Metoo and Time’s Up movements – whatever your reservations are about them – I think they are positive developments towards the injustices that arise when these harrowing actions continue, they are left to fester, and then we are not allowed to speak about them.
The Church Needs To Stand Against Sexual Abuse
Now I want to say though, that we in the Church must be at the forefront of opposition to sexual abuse. Why? Because this very ancient Bible that we read, has long ago taught us about the sanctity of sex, the horror of sexual abuse, and how do we behave towards those who are abused.
We in the Church must be at the forefront of opposition to sexual abuse
Case in point. The story of Tamar and Amnon, like we just read.
The Story of Tamar and Amnon
Let me set a bit of the background. The story is set within the context of David’s immediate family. David is Israel’s second king, but also their greatest king.
The Players
And the players here are Amnon, his first son. Jonadab, Amnon’s cousin and advisor. Absalom, David’s third son. Tamar, his daughter and Absalom’s sister, and David himself.
Now, I don’t know if you are like me, when you read the Bible you want to not just read verses and chapters alone, but you want to read books of the Bible. Why? Because when you read books of the Bible you can trace themes that help see what the writer is trying to say. And that helps you with particular verses, so that you don’t quote verses out of context.
The Themes
And when you read 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel there are big things going on there about God establishing his king. The kingdom of God. All those things are there.
The Style
But the thing about this particular story is the amount of time, the vividness, the almost step-by-step account that is given in this story. The writer wants you not to miss something. He wants you to be shocked. He wants you to be aghast, repulsed, angry, sad.
Now lastly, not to be quiet when we see these things happen around us.
Let me warn you from the beginning. This is a difficult read.
And it’s going to be a difficult sermon. And of course it should be so. Because Tamar went through something very difficult.
When Sex Makes Victims
What we would learn, is that when sex becomes an idol in society, it becomes desacralised and it creates the conditions for sexual abuse to occur. Thus making sexual victims.
When sex becomes an idol in society… it creates the conditions for sexual abuse to occur
Now I should also say this. If you are someone here who has suffered sexual abuse at any point in your life, there’s ultimately hope for you. And we will also learn that you can be restored in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
So I’ve titled this sermon ‘When Sex Makes Victims’. And it will be explored under three subheadings. One, becoming a sexual abuse victim. Two, the plight of a sexual abuse victim. Three, the healing of a sexual abuse victim.
So let’s go into the first point.
Becoming A Sexual Abuse Victim
Now when you read 2 Samuel 13:1 we are told that Amnon fell in love with Tamar. What’s wrong with falling in love? Nothing! Except don’t be mistaken. It’s not the kind of love that we understand. It’s not the romantic love. How do we know?
Amnon Was Obsessed
Well, first of all in verse 2, look he says “Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar”. And the obsession that he had with Tamar had something to do with something he wanted to get from her. It wasn’t just “Oh I’m obsessed with her.” It’s that she has something I need to get. And he was prevented from getting it. Again we read that in verse 2.
She was a virgin. Which means she was of marriageable age and she was sexually mature, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. He was obsessed. It was something he wanted to get, but he couldn’t. He was somehow prevented from it. And this made poor Amnon haggard every monring.
Verse 4: ‘Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning?’ It’s because he was prevented from doing what he wanted to do to her.
Jonadab Was Shrewd, and Evil
How’s he going to overcome such a barrier? Well, I don’t know. Some of us have cousins. Some of our cousins are nice, some of our cousins are good. Some um… you know, it’s just they are bits of irritants. How many of have evil cousins? He’s wise (shrewd it says) Jonadab. But he’s also evil.
Now what does he do? When he combines both of these things he plots a scheme that enables Amnon to be able to overcome that barrier, so that Amnon and Tamar could be in the same place.
The Scheme
So what does he do? He says pretend like you are ill. And you know there is nothing that illicit’s sympathy more than being ill.
I used to do that a lot when I was a kid with my mum. You actually get ill, but then what happens is the medicine kicks in, it starts to work, but you’ve enjoyed the pampering so… you say ah it’s so hard! After one or two days your mum actually says that “Go and wash plates. You’re not that ill again.”
And so that illness, the potential of illness, then brought his father David. David came, saw him, and at that point he’s ready to give him anything he wants. So what does he want? He says “all the people that are here, serving food, I don’t really like. I want some family member to come and feed me. I want them to come and make food from me. I want Tamar to come and do that.
So later David tells, verse 7, he tells Tamar to go to her brother’s house. And then what is she meant to do? She goes there, she kneads bread, she bakes it, and she serves him in a pan. He doesn’t want to take in the pan. So he sends everyone else out, and she’s ready to give him on her hand.
Why Did Tamar Go To Amnon?
Why?
Well one is that not only did Amnon make David sympathise with him, but also Tamar. Tamar saw her brother, her brother was ill, and she wanted to help her brother.
Second is that even when he said everyone should leave, let me tell you the last thing that entered Tamar’s head was that he was going to try to rape her. You know why? She trusted him. She trusted him.
She Trusted Him
David trusted him. “Go to your brother’s house”. She trusted him – “of course my half-brother would not do anything like this to me!” And that is exactly what he needed.
Most people that will tell you that they’ve been sexually abused will tell you this. It came from someone who they trusted. Listen to one of Larry Nassar’s victims.
“Nassar’s victims said the doctor cannily won over their trust, making them feel special or privileged because of his position with USA Gymnastics. He operated in a sport where injuries can end careers, and young athletes deferred to his authority.”
Trust Is A Key Element To Abuse
Listen to what someone said.
Quote: “He was always that person who would stick up for me and make me feel like he had my back. The more I think about it, the more I realise how twisted he was, how he manipulated me to make me think that he had my back when he didn’t.”
With Larry Nassar’s victims it was both his expertise, but also the fact that he seemed caring, that made them trust him.
In Tamar’s case it’s worse. It’s one of her own family.
You have to wonder why many people, when they tell their stories, they will tell you “It was my elder cousin that violated me. It was Uncle This that violated me.” Some people, unfortunately, it was even their own parent that violated them. Why? Because to enable sexual abusers to go on and do their thing, they need the key element of trust. And Amnon saw that trust, and he used it.
Love and Force Do Not Go Together
Well, soon enough the one who supposedly was in love with Tamar, you know what he did? He grabber her, verse 11. Verse 12, he forced her. Let me tell you something about love. The word love does not come with the word force.
Neither does it come with the word grab. They don’t come together. In fact, once you do that you misunderstand love. Because it’s meant to be freely given. Just to show this guy was not really in love with her. He wanted something from her.
The Rape
That is why when in verse 12 she is appealing to him, he ignored her appeals until he got what he truly wanted.
And then you get this very, very chilling part. Verse 14. “Because he was stronger than she, he raped her.”
How horrible.
Now you want to get something you want. Something that should be freely given. But because the person doesn’t want to freely give, you then take something that you have above the person, power, and you get what you want.
With this single act of self-seeking pleasure – which probably lasted 5-10 minutes – Amnon had changed the course of Tamar’s life, forever. And for ill. For what?
Consequences Be Damned
Maybe you can listen to Tamar’s cries. Maybe some of you have cried like this when she said, “what about me? Please think about me. Where will I get rid of my disgrace. Or if you don’t have that compassion what about you? Think of the consequences. Don’t be like these wicked, foolish, men in Israel.”
Well you know what happens when sex is an idol – and it was an idol for him – and sexual drive is treated just like when you are very hungry. It’s exactly what happened to him, he damned all the consequences.
When people, as I like to say, they stop thinking here and they start thinking with the thing down there, they do all manner of things which if you laid out – here are the consequences of what is going to happen to you – he still needs to first appease that drive. That’s why he damned the consequences.
Amnon Dehumanised Tamar
What did he think about her? What about her? If he wanted to put the punishment upon himself – what about her? Don’t you understand? If he’s feeling and animalistic desire in himself then the one who is going to help him to appease that, that one is not a human being. That one becomes an object.
Lust, not love, is the opposite of hatred. They come from the same source
So she’s talking, we don’t hear that he says anything, until he rapes her. She becomes a mere object for him. Look how dreadful it was. How he dehumanised her. Verse 15: “Then Amnon hated her.”
Wow. I thought he was in love with her? No.
His True Emotions On Display
Guys because lust, not love, is the opposite of hatred. They come from the same source.
He “hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her.” (2 Samuel 13:15). Well it makes sense because he finally got what he wanted. Now that he’s got what he wanted, his true emotions to her as a human being was now on display.
He didn’t think of her as a human being. What does he say? “Get up, get out.”
He really didn’t think about her as a human being
He Scorns Her
She’d now become an object of scorn. In fact, later when he says – and she refused to get out – because she’s like “this thing that you’ve done to me – no – if you send me out it’s even worse than how you’ve violated me!”
Look, this man, he called his servants to come and bundle out a daughter of the king. Just to show you that he really didn’t think about her as a human being.
And then what did he say to his servant? “Get this woman out of my sight”. Now listen, in the Hebrew it’s not actually “Get this woman out of my sight.” In the Hebrew there’s actually no word ‘woman’. The translator just inserted it. In the Hebrew, literally, he says “Get this out of my sight.”
Why Is This So Horrible?
He’s finally been appeased, and he saw her as an object.
Why’s this thing so viscerally bad? Why is it, maybe you’re here and your suffering when you were a child, or someday, is that somebody flogged you a lot of times. Now don’t get me wrong. To flog people – you know – is not a particularly good thing. Although some of us here would say that being flogged was a good thing for us.
Sex Is Sacred
But why is that this kind of suffering, why is it so horrible? Do you know why? Because sex is a sacred thing. By sacred I mean something that is holy. Something you hold dear.
As I said in the first service, when I was in school, you could abuse me, say anything you want. Say anything about my friends. Abuse all us. Ah it’s fine. I mean I was a fighter but I didn’t just fight anyhow. If you said this to me though – “your Papa”, or “your Mama” – Oh my God – I don’t care if you are three times my size. I will fight.
Because at that point you have just desecrated something that means so much to me. Why? I held my parents to be sacred.
What he treated as fulfilling an animalistic desire, she felt to be a desecration of her temple.
Why do people see it as such a terrible and barbaric thing when people go and destroy graves of people? Why? Because when we go to a grave-side we see it as a sacred place.
The reason why she felt so horrible, why she mourned, why she wept aloud, was because something that was sacred to her had just been taken away from her. And she had no choice in the matter.
What he treated as fulfilling an animalistic desire, she felt to be a desecration of her temple.
The Irony Of Idolising Sex
You know the very funny thing? Is that when sex is made an idol, ironically you start to treat it as a common thing; a must-have thing. And in that situation sexual victims are never far off.
We are deifying sex. And it’s not just the influence of Western culture.
And our culture is one where we are deifying sex. And it’s not just the influence of Western culture. No, no, no, no – we’ve always had it. We deify sex. It’s such a wonderful thing!
Ironically when you do that, and you have it as a god, it’s not that all of a sudden sex matters so much that we keep it sacred. No. When you put sex and make it an ultimate thing, it eventually becomes desacralised and you have to make it a common thing. Sex on demand.
Sex All Over The Air Waves
So what do we do?
We live in a time where many of our celebrities, for instance, make musical videos where women that appear on those videos, are not there for anything else than to titivate young men’s sexual urges. Am I wrong?
I mean you get a guy who is singing – I don’t know… maybe he is singing about Nigeria. Maybe he is singing about Lagos. Such a wonderful place. He is singing particular lyrics about maybe Ebute Metta, or maybe Ojuelegba, or something. And then, at the side two women – we don’t even see their faces – they turn their backsides and they are mean to be shaking. For what purpose?
Our young men, see women as objects that are meant to fulfil their sexual desires.
And then, in the same breath, maybe somebody who is a feminist comes on there, on the radio waves, and is interviewing that person because he is a creative genius.
So we celebrate these people as ambassadors, and give them all the airtime to perpetrate and catechise. To perpetrate their nonsense and catechise our young men, to see women as objects that are meant to fulfil their sexual desires.
We deify sex as an idol, and we continue to create the conditions that allow sexual victims to continue to be produced.
Harassment
Now not every woman is raped, but some are harassed. How? Through groping. Some people here – probably, you haven’t been raped – but somebody has touched you in a way they shouldn’t; Through sexual advances, unwanted sexual advances. And there’s nothing you can do about it – you’re just meant to smile.
Our culture is an Amnon producing factory, and this has to stop.
You’re meant to pretend as though he didn’t mean what he meant. And he wants you to behave as though he didn’t mean what he meant. But both of you know, what he meant.
Or sexual requests tied to favours – a promotion. Or maybe an academic grade. Especially if you went to a Nigerian university, you know what I’m talking about.
Indecent exposures. Guys, our culture is an Amnon producing factory, and this has to stop.
The Plight of The Sexual Abuse Victim
Second point. The plight of the sexual abuse victim.
So what’s the plight of the sexual abuse victim after the deed, after the abuse? Hopefully they can get some kind of succour. But what we find here is very chilling.
Dis-Graced
First of all let’s look at verse 13 again. When she left, she is left disgraced. “Where could I get rid of my disgrace? ” Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Think of that word: dis-grace, dis-grace. Literally, somebody who carried herself with grace, has had her grace undone; the grace has been turned into shame.
Her heart has been ripped, and now her head is mourning with ashes.
So vividly expressed, such that the daughter of a king, who wore an ornate robe, she has to rip that robe and put ashes on her head. (2 Samuel 13:18-19) Literally she’s bringing to light in the physical, what has happened to her emotionally and spiritually.
Her heart has been ripped, and now her head is mourning with ashes.
Who Will Hear Her?
And so she walks down in verse 19, she is weeping aloud. Weeping aloud! Who is going to hear her? Because, up until now, as we in verse 14 and verse 16, when she spoke to Amnon, it says “but he refused to listen to her.”
Now she is no longer with Amnon. She has been bundled out, and she’s weeping aloud. Thankfully, I’m sure, somebody is going to listen to her. Will someone listen to her? Will we listen to our victims?
Two Typical Reactions To Abuse Victims
Well, she gets two reactions. Typical reactions from what abuse victims receive. One, keep them quiet. Two, keep quiet.
Keep them Quiet
Ah – thank God. Her brother Absalom. Here he comes. “My brother will help me. Finally I will get something. My brother comes.” And what does Absalom do? Verse 20: ‘Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now.”
Oh my God. Those are very chilling words.
Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now
Sadly, Tamar was not the last woman to hear those chilling words after the abuse. Back to Larry Nassar. Hear what one of his victims said:
“I’m so angry, after realising that we were abused” USA Gymnastics, remember the government body? “Let him continue to molest other gymnasts when they told me there was an investigation going on… They told me to be quiet. I thought that they were doing the right thing, and I didn’t want to tip off the investigation. I trusted them and I shouldn’t have.”
Consequences of Cheapening Sex
You see when we cheapen our view of sex, we do the same for sexual assault. What do I mean by that?
The Liberationists
The problem… when I say we cheapen our view of sex – there’s one, the sexual liberationists, that want sex to be multiplied everywhere. Anyone should have sex whenever, whenever they want to, as long as you are over the age of 18 or what have you.
The Prudes
But then, like Emmanuel showed us two weeks ago, you also have those who are purists if you like. Or not even purists – they are just prudes. And they basically look at sex as if sex is not for pleasure. “Sex is just that thing that we have to do to give birth to children. And just have to give to men. So, you know, it’s just that thing there. It’s an inconvenience.”
We Don’t Speak About It
For them it’s not sacred. So what happens? “Ooh you’ve been sexually molested. Ah that’s bad. It’s not good. Yeah I think I should speak about it. Ah no… speak about it… OK who did it? Isn’t it Uncle This that did it? Hah – if you do that, what about his wife? What will his wife say? How about the children? And then what would that do for our family?”
So we end up protecting the abuser, instead of helping the abused. Shame on us.
That’s what Absalom said. He said “he’s your brother.” Probably the most stupid statement in the Bible. “Don’t take this thing to heart.” What?! She should just park it outside, like what happened? She just lost a bet or something? Don’t take it to heart? We don’t want this reputation to be soiled.
Now, for many of us too, maybe that’s what’s happened to you. A family member did the act, you have been conditioned: “I don’t want to bring, I don’t want to bring him down.” And so we end up protecting the abuser, instead of helping the abused. Shame on us.
For Absalom, it was because he had a revenge plan. It was going to take two years to fulfil, and he didn’t want her to set Amnon into the plan. So he said “shhh” keep quiet.
Keep Quiet
And the second one, keep quiet. Keep them quiet – the first – second, keep quiet. So if we’ve kept them quiet, then we ourselves have to keep quiet. Right?
King David’s Response To Tamar’s Rape
And hopefully, that will not be the case. I mean hopefully now – Absalom was one thing – but David, her dad, David himself was deceived. You know that. Now this is David the King. The King after God’s own heart! Surely David is gonna do something! Because David understands that he’s a representative of Israel’s true king.
Israel’s true king is their God – Yahweh. And in Psalm 9:7 it tells us that Yahweh reigns forever, as king. He has established his throne for judgement. He rules the world in righteousness and judges the people with equity. Yahweh is a refuge for the oppressed! A stronghold in times of trouble. And of course, David, is going to do and behave like Yahweh.
He Was Furious. Full Stop
Verse 21: “When King David heard all this, he was furious.” I told you! David is gonna do something.
The right emotion to show – he was furious. “How can this happen to my kingdom? How can this happen to my daughter? And I was even put in the plot!”
Surely David is going to do something about it? And the worst placed full stop you’ve ever seen in the Bible. David was furious, full stop. What a coward.
David did nothing. David kept quiet.
I don’t know why he did it. My guess, it wasn’t just to protect PR of the family. My guess is that he did it because he couldn’t… the inconvenience would have been too much. Well, if you have to investigate these things it can take long; it’s long hours. It’s going to be intruding on your time. And maybe the person is going to continue crying.
It happened once Abi. She can take one for the family. We all have to sacrifice. David did nothing. David did nothing. David kept quiet. And you can see increasing stages to keep her quiet.
First stage: with Amnon, she is present, allowed to speak, and she is not listened to. Whit Absalom, she is present, but she is prevented from speaking. With David, she’s not even present to speak at all.
What Is Patriarchy?
How many of us have heard of the word patriarchy? Or the concept, patriarchy? What is patriarchy? Well I’ve coined a definition, as far as I understand it.
Patriarchy (it’s slightly long!) is a socially oppressive system, operated by men – consciously or unconsciously – with a goal to maintaining male dominance, while directly stifling the flourishing of women by denying them reasonable opportunities to grow, at best, and subjecting them to various abuses at worst.
It’s a socially oppressive system – consciously or unconsciously – run by men; operated by men. And it has one goal: to keep male dominance. While at the same time, it wants to stop female flourishing.
How does it achieve that?
At best, it stops women, giving them opportunities for good. But at worst, it subjects them to various abuses.
The Roles of The Four Men
It is not a coincidence. This whole thing happened to Tamar, and it happened with four men.
Amnon and Jonadab were responsible for the disgrace that came upon Tamar. David and Absalom were responsible for that disgrace becoming desolation: “And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.” (2 Samuel 13:20)
Would You Speak Out?
Let me ask you, if you were a 14-year-old girl that had just been raped in Israel, but you saw what happened to the king’s daughter; how the king’s daughter could not get justice, even though she spoke out, let me ask you a question, would you speak out about your own? I can’t hear you. Will you speak out? No.
Why? Because you would only get insult upon injury.
The power of patriarchy means that they will only get insult upon injury.
You already have disgrace. But if you speak out, maybe you will not be believed. Or maybe, you will be told to keep quiet. Or maybe, you will be threatened, if it involves a powerful person.
Too many girls and women in our societies have kept silent about their experiences, because the power of patriarchy means that they will only get insult upon injury.
This Abuse Is Happening In Churches
Sadly, this is happening in churches! “But you know we cannot speak against the Man of God.” Out! Which ‘Man of God’ is perfect?
And if it comes out, what even happens? Not only is she now told to keep quiet, but she gets an onslaught of abuse.
We are more interested in protecting oppressors, institutions and diabolically oppressive systems, just so that they don’t come tumbling down.
Maybe the church would say something like this: “We don’t answer insults. We will give a very robust reply very soon.” All the while not saying anything. And then all the followers, or the people, go against the lady. And then you say somebody else should speak out?
“My disgrace is enough. I don’t want to become desolate.”
We Protect Oppressors, Not Victims
Sadly, we are more interested in protecting oppressors, institutions and diabolically oppressive systems, just so that they don’t come tumbling down. And we leave victims desolate. May God bring down every oppressive system!
What is even sadder, is that some people find the courage to come out years after, only for them to be over-scrutinised with irrational fact checking. Or with ignorant retorts like this: “Ah, but why didn’t you speak out around that time?”
We leave victims desolate
First of all, you don’t understand the disgrace they felt. Who likes to talk about the fact that they’ve been violated? The shame remains. But second, you don’t understand how societies have treated these people. Most times, if they speak out, would you listen to them?
Look how she spoke to her brother, and her father, but they didn’t listen. In fact she didn’t get to see her Dad. And her brother said, don’t worry, I understand, keep quiet.
This needs to stop.
Healing Of The Sexual Abuse Victim
It takes me to my third point. Healing of the sexual abuse victim.
When I was preparing for this, I was haunted by her question in verse 13: “What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace?” Where can I get rid of it? Something so horrible. My temple has been violated. Is there any way I can get rid of my disgrace?”
Will She Ever Get Justice?
Now, maybe like in Nassar’s case, for instance, he was sentenced to life, and many of his victims got settlements. But the truth is, that most people, they never get any of these two things. I mean forget the two, They don’t get one.
And even when Amnon is killed, two year’s after, by Absalom, that had more to do with Absalom getting his revenge than him seeking justice for his sister.
And you know what’s so bad? You don’t hear about Tamar again. It’s like her voice has just been silenced. That’s it, move on.
And the question is, will she ever actually get justice? Will her voice ever actually be heard?
Tamar Needs Two Things
Because Tamar needs two things. She needs appropriate justice, that is, the evil that has been done to her needs to be punished. But the second thing she needs, she needs to be made new. That’s the disgrace issue; her shame needs to be taken away.
And the question is, even if your perpetrator was sentenced for 50 years or 100 years, is that really enough? For some people, like, that’s not enough. What if he lives for those 50 years and he comes out, that’s it?
Tamar needed a better king and a better brother, to deliver justice that would make her new.
No. You need not just justice, but appropriate justice. And the second thing is that even if you find fellow people that have been abused – which is a wonderful thing – so that there are people who can understand what you’ve gone through, even then you find that they are powerless to make you new.
Tamar needed a king that was better than David, and a brother that was better than Absalom, to deliver justice that would make her new.
What you need, is someone that can help you. Someone that can give you the justice for this thing that has happened to you, but at the same time making you new.
There Is Good News
And there is good news. Because that person does exist.
You see Tamar’s voice wasn’t silenced forever. Why? Because centuries later, a king in David’s line, when seeing the oppression that his children had gone through, he was not only furious and forgot about it. He came down from his comfortable abode to do something about it.
Centuries later, when someone saw the pain, the suffering, of his brothers and his sisters – especially like those who have been sexually abused – he came and executed justice. Not out of personal revenge against the oppressors, but with the goal of making the victims new.
Jesus On The Oppressive Cross
Jesus on the oppressive cross. A cross that was set up by an oppressive system; he was judged under an oppressive system. Jesus on the cross, was disgraced – for it was the most shameful way to die. And he was left to be desolate. He did this so that he could identify with all kinds of victims who have been oppressed; just like sexually abused victims.
He could identify with all kinds of victims who have been oppressed
He received the appropriate, just punishment, for the oppression, and took upon their shame, if they call upon his name. Paul puts it in Romans 10:9 this way: “if you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” and Romans 10:11: “As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.’
Being Made New
Jesus went to the cross to take away your shame. Jesus went to the cross to make you brand new. I promise you this: if you trust in him, you will be made new.
Paul puts it in another sense in 2 Corinthians 5:17. He says for all those who trust in him, call upon his name, they will be a new creation. Because you don’t just want your shame to be painted on, like we paint on – like, you know, if you want to make this wall black for instance. You just paint black on top of this.
No. What you need is a brand new life. And Pauls says about what Jesus has done, he says “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and, what? The new is here.
A New Way Of Defining Yourself
Please understand me. Jesus gives you a new way of defining yourself. Not by your abuse, but by the abuse that he suffered for you.
Jesus gives you a new way of defining yourself. Not by your abuse, but by the abuse that he suffered for you.
He does so, not by silencing your pain as though it doesn’t matter, but what does he do? He absorbs the full force of it on the cross. Jesus is the only saviour; the one one who can fully sympathise with you. Why? Because he’s suffered the same thing you’ve suffered, only more intensely.
And with his own death; his own suffering, it wasn’t just so that he could sit down with you here and say “discuss your suffering, let me discuss my suffering.” No. His death was for you. He absorbs your pain.
But there’s more.
Transforming Victims Into Victors
Because Jesus did not remain on the cross. No. He rose again. And in his resurrection, he transforms victims into victors. Paul again in Romans 8:34-37:
“Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died – more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” or sexual abuse? “As it is written:
‘For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors.”
Oppression No Longer Defines You
You can look at your oppressors and say, ‘You no longer define me. Christ defines me.’
Let me tell you this. Because of what Christ has done – in his death and resurrection – you can look at your oppression, you can look at your oppressors and say, “you no longer define me. Christ defines me.”
You can look at your oppressors, you can look at your oppression, and say “I am a new woman, I am a new man, in Christ. All things have passed away.” Literally have passed away. Why? Because in fact, Jesus was raised from the dead.
Jesus Overcomes Everything They’ve Done
(Romans 8:38-39) “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,” Paul is going into superlative categories now, “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Your oppressor and your abuser did not take love, they abused you, they violated your will. But Jesus is the one that brings the love to you, that overcomes everything they’ve done. He’s here to make you new.
Would you call upon his name.
Would you call upon his name.
The Church Is Meant To Be God’s Family
And in closing, I want to say a word to us as a church. You know the church, and I’m saying it as a church, City Church. The church is meant to be God’s family, isn’t it? Let’s remember that. Let’s not behave like David’s family. Because my encouragement and my hope to people that’ve been abused, and have probably have not fully gotten over it here in this church, is I want you to speak out.
Now ,I’m not saying that we’re going to bring you up here and tell you to speak. But I want you to speak. Speak about your story – we want to hear. The leaders to listen to you. Particularly the female leaders, if you are a female that’s gone through this.
But as a church, we have to behave like God’s family.
Be Willing To Listen, and Believe
Let’s be willing, number one, to listen to people’s stories. Not that immediately that they start, they want to talk about it, then you interject. It may cause you one day, it may cause you one week. And let’s be willing to mourn with them. Because even though we rejoice with those who rejoice, what are we meant to do with those who mourn? Mourn with them.
What are we meant to do with those who mourn? Mourn with them.
And let us also have a disposition to believe them. I’m not talking about being naive, but a disposition. Most times, when these things happen, the first thing we want to do is get them to prove it; prove every single part of it. As though they should have had a video cam whilst the thing was happening – as they were to prove it. Let’s not be like that. Let’s have a disposition to believe them.
Let us not set up impossible standards for proof, knowing that as they are talking about this thing, they are relieving pain, that they would rather forget about, but they’ve been unable to forget.
Show Gospel Love
And when we’ve done all these things, when we’ve empathised, when we’ve listened, know that your advice, in itself, cannot do much. Let’s show them gospel love. Let’s point them to the cross and the resurrection – not in a trite way – but showing them that it is God’s renewal and justice that can help them.
And then finally, let us pray and act. Notice, two things: pray and act, against all systems of oppression that God died for. Christians should be active in this thing.
Now I know some of us that read blogs and everything, they will call you names. They will say that you are a ‘liberal’, they will say ‘social gospel’, they will say ‘feminist’. You know what? If you have to embrace those labels so that you can live out what Christ has told you to do, then embrace those labels gladly.
But don’t be distracted by these things. Why? Because God wants us, if we are a gospel centred church, to do something: he wants us to act justly, he wants us to love mercy – for this is the only way to walk humbly before our God.
Closing Prayer
Let us pray.
Heavenly Father, we thank you for your word that disturbs the comfortable, but also comforts the disturbed. We pray for any of our brothers and sisters here, who have had this harrowing thing happen to them; whatever age in life, to whatever degree. Lord, let them find that the justice, the redefinition, and the renewal, comes in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Heavenly Father, we thank you for your word that disturbs the comfortable, but also comforts the disturbed
Our Lord, we also pray for anyone who is here and has been an abuser. Father, let them… bring them and grant them true repentance in you. Let them know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the work of Jesus Christ, is big enough to take care, to support the abused, but also to recover the abuser.
And I pray for us as a church. That we can be a place of refuge; a place where people can find succour, where people can find support. A place where we can be the hands and the feet of Jesus Christ. Help us to do all of this through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Femi Osunnuyi is lead pastor of City Church, Lagos, Nigeria, a gospel-centred urban church that exists to catalyse a gospel-centred movement in the city of Lagos. Femi is passionate about church planting and leadership development thus, in addition to his pastoral duties, he also serves on the Lead Team of Acts29’s Emerging Regions network and the Advisory Council of City to City Africa. He is happily married to Tosin and is father to Tofunmi and Timilehin.
