In this episode of The Gospel Coalition Africa Podcast Blaque Nubon is joined by his wife Lilly Million. They share their views on how to navigate the normal, sex related, challenges that married couples experience, and give practical suggestions for how to handle them.
Married Sex Podcast Breakdown:
- Sex Within Marriage: Why This Topic? (02:30)
- God’s Design for Sex & Marriage (04:50)
- God’s Purposes For Sex (06:45)
- Married Sex: Typical Challenges We Face (10:05)
- Past Sexual Experiences / Perverted Views of Sex (10:47)
- Sex Gets Swallowed into the Everyday-ness of Life (12:35)
- Sharing & Discussing You Expectations Of Sex (15:30)
- Practical Tips: Talking About Sex With Your Spouse (19:30)
- Struggling with Sex in Your Marriage? Where To Begin (21:40)
- The Winning Recipe for Marriage (22:57)
- Pray About Sex Together (24:10)
- Beware of Overshare – Comparisons Can Be Unhelpful (25:00)
- Reaching Out For Help (26:35)
- Working On Your Marriage is Beautiful (28:33)
- Don’t Use Sex as a Weapon (30:54)
- Married Sex Connects to God’s Plan (31:34)
What Key Questions Does This Podcast Address?
1. What is a biblical view of sex and marriage?
2. The common causes of sex related issues for married couples
3. Practical, biblical, solutions for handling challenges with sex in your marriage
“Intimacy isn’t just the physical acts. Intimacy is your heart. And for me, I think if there’s a disconnect on a physical level there must be a disconnect on a heart-mind level.”
“But if you’ve got two people in a marriage, and you want it to work, then you’ve already got a winning recipe.
“As you become intimate with your spouse, it is ultimately for God’s glory. And it’s building you guys together. To build your family stronger so that we can build a society that will glorify God. So it’s bigger than just the two of us. I think it connects to the mission of God and what God is doing in this world.”
Blaque: So I think again, reality is, it’s a vulnerable space; it’s an intimate space. It’s a space where you give all of yourself. And so, it needs to be treated with much respect, much reverence, much love, and much care.
Blaque: And much sensitivity. And so it’s not helpful when you’ve formulated perverse and warped views of what sex is supposed to be – or your partner’s supposed to do – in the confines of marriage, within sex.
Blaque: Well welcome to The Gospel Coalition Africa Podcast. My name is Blaque Nubon. And we have a very special guest – special in the most specialist way!
Lilly: Specialist way!?
Blaque: Of all special ways. This is my wife. And your name is?
Lilly: Lilly Million.
Lilly: What are you saying?
Blaque: She is my wife.
Lilly: We are married, yes.
Blaque: We are married. Forget the surnames.
Lilly: Forget the surnames guys. We’re artists, so, you know, we have names.
Today’s Topic: Sex In Marriage
Blaque: So, today we are speaking about a very… people tend to say it’s a sensitive topic, but I think it is sensitive in one sense…
Blaque: …but it’s beautiful in another sense. And it’s a topic that needs to be spoken about more often. And not be left to the corners of the dark world.
Lilly: The dark corners.
Blaque: Yeah the dark corners of the world. To be spoken about there, or even not be spoken about and just acted upon. So yeah. We’re speaking about sex.
Blaque: And sex is a broad topic. And so what we’ve decided to do is to try and narrow it down and kind of zoom in on a specific aspect of it, and that is sex within the confines of marriage. And obviously there’s still a lot to say within there. So that’s still a broad topic in and of itself. But, we wanna zoom in on a couple of things. And hopefully you’ll be encouraged. Hopefully you’ll walk away with a couple of things sparked in your mind. And what we are desiring for is that your relationship with Jesus will grow even more – in light of this topic.
So, yeah. We wanna have a chat.
Why Sex In Marriage, Specifically?
Blaque: Cool! So I think the first thing we should chat about, and just put it out there first, is why we chose this topic. So why are we speaking specifically about sex within the confines of marriage?
God ordained sex to be within marriage
Lilly: Yeah. So I mean I think – well for me, as a Christian, and I think in general – the content around sex that I think is sort of readily available is usually around singleness and purity. Which all of this matters. It’s around perverted views of sex. And there definitely is content around sex within marriage, but I feel like it’s very much preserved, like in a little corner, for. married people. Which, I think that there is value in that, but I just thought that – well we just thought that – it’s important to sort of address this from this perspective. Because, you know, God ordained sex to be within marriage. And sort of to just give an idea of what that means. Why that is.
Blaque: Yeah. Sure.
Lilly: It’s one of those important things we find in scripture that I think is often addressed from one angle. So it’s like, let’s see what this actually looks like – I guess.
Redeeming The View Of Sex
Blaque: Yeah. So I think there isn’t a lot of content around sex within the confines of marriage. There’s books. Don’t get us wrong. There’s books – there’s other people who’ve recorded like media stuff. But I think we need more of it. And yes, for married couples. But I think another thing is, I think to redeem the view of sex in our culture. You know? So sometimes we look at sex as a taboo thing. And it’s like “Oh! We don’t touch that thing. We don’t talk about it! Bah, bah, bah.” And it’s like “yo, but it’s so beautiful”. And if we understand it from God’s perspective – and how he created it – I think then we will speak more about it. Obviously in a helpful and safe way, for those who are not in marriage. Or even those who are in marriage. But I think in very cautious ways, we’ll speak more openly about it.
Lilly: And I was going to say I get it. Because it is kind of awkward and uncomfortable and like, you know… But I think obviously it’s important that we sort of take that away. Because I think the secrecy then is a breeding ground for a bunch of other stuff.
The Beginning: God’s Design For Sex
Blaque: Yeah, yeah, sure. So I think just after setting it up it’s important to just again start at the beginning. Talk about the design of sex. Why God made it. How God sees it. And just speaking more to the idea of speaking of sex as a beautiful thing. And in one sense redeeming how it’s viewed by culture. Sometimes even by Christians in the church.
Sex is God’s idea. So it’s not my idea. It’s not man’s idea. It’s not the culture’s idea.
So I think it is imperative to know – and acknowledge – that sex is God’s idea. So it’s not my idea. It’s not man’s idea. It’s not the culture’s idea. And that has bearing and it has a lot of weight to say that sex is created by God. Because by implication, then, it means God dictates what it’s supposed to be, what it’s purpose is, how it’s supposed to be used. You know? And so in essence we go back to the scriptures. To find out what sex is. What it’s purpose is, how it’s supposed to be used within the confines of marriage.
And I think just even with the topic, and us speaking about it within the confines of marriage, is something that God says. You know? So it’s not our idea!
So you might be watching this and thinking…
Lilly: Who are these crazy people?
Blaque: …these crazy, married, up-tight Christians! Well it’s God’s idea. And God says that sex is supposed to be had within the confines of marriage. And that leads us to defining what marriage is.
How Do We Define Marriage?
You know? And again, God defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman. And so sex happens between a man and a woman who have committed to each other, in front of God, in front of their community. Have brought their families together. They’ve left their families in one sense to leave and cleave.
Lilly: Leave and cleave.
Blaque: And become one. And so sex happens within those confines.
Why Did God Invent Sex?
Blaque: God says that sex is made for a number of reasons. One, companionship – to build companionship between a man and a woman. So sex is pleasurable. It’s an enjoyable thing. But I think another thing is it just grows us closer together.
Having sex bonds us together, and that makes us one.
So when we get married we obviously are professing our vows before people. Before God. And saying this is who we want to be and are going to be. And so the process of becoming one is consummated by the sex that we have, the first night. Presumably most people have it during honeymoon night. But once you consummate your marriage, you do that by coming together physically. Having sex. And that bonds us together, and that makes us one.
So the process of cleaving, is not just physically living in our houses. But when we do come together, there’s a physical act of coming together and becoming one.
Lilly: Which is the closest you can get with any person.
Lilly: So I think that bears a lot of significance.
Growing In Intimacy
Blaque: Yeah. So that intimacy that is created. Because the thing is we plan to live together until God takes one of us – or comes back! And so while we’re living together we’re growing together. And part of that is growing in intimacy.
While we’re living together we’re growing together. And part of that is growing in intimacy.
So I know my wife’s creative side. I know her intellectual side. I know her sense of fashion. I know all of that. But in intimacy, I know her a special way – that no-one else in the world can experience. So, there’s intimacy.
And that intimacy is also derived just from seeing how God is. You know? In and of himself. In the Godhead, Father, son and Holy Spirit, eternally existed and perfectly in love. And so if we are made in God’s image, that sex resembles that. Resembles that kind of intimacy that is displayed in the Godhead.
So that’s one of the – or some of the – purposes.
Populating The Earth!
Blaque: But an obvious one is kids!
Lilly: Oh yeah! We need to populate the earth – that’s our due.
Blaque: That’s a command! That’s a command that God gave Adam, you know? He needs to be fruitful and multiply. And so in that command God is saying to Adam “You need to have sex my friend.” And part of that is to make kids and populate the earth.
And so part of coming together is that. And again, within our topic – confines of marriage – it’s super important to note that kids born within the closest intimacy between parents, and the safety of marriage and the safety of a home that is together – is a beautiful thing for them. You know? And the benefits that come with that. And again, all designed by God. All brought together by God. And we see it in this one thing, called sex.
There’s a lot to say. And I’ve been talking a lot! So we will move along!
So I think then, moving on from that again, there’s still a lot to say there, but just moving on… challenges!
Challenges Within Married Sex
Blaque: There are challenges around how sex is within the confines of marriage. Coz sometimes the misconception is that “Oh! People who are married are having the greatest sex. And things are amazing. And it’s the best thing.” But stats show that sex and money are probably the biggest things that end marriages.
Stats show that sex and money are probably the biggest things that end marriages.
Lilly: Cause the biggest fights.
Blaque: Yeah, they cause the biggest fights in marriage. So there’s clearly challenges. You know? And somebody might be watching this and you might be seeking for encouragement, because you’re going through a rough patch sexually in your marriage. So we want to talk about some of those challenges.
Past Sexual Experiences
Lilly: I think the first one that comes to mind is past sexual experiences. I think that’s definitely a huge one. Because not everybody is pure on the day that they are married. We weren’t. In the sense that we’d had experiences outside. And just that already, the way the world views sex and promotes sex, and the way it’s displayed, is quite destructive. And it’s quite… it’s almost just like this thing that you do and that’s that. It doesn’t mean anything. And yet it does.
There’s a level of brokenness that every person comes in with.
You know? So I think there’s a level of brokenness that a person comes in with. Which needs… like requires a level of sensitivity and healing and understanding within now trying to understand – you know with everything you’ve explained – what sex is supposed to look like within a covenant; within marriage.
And often there’s guilt associate with that. There is shame. There’s all of that stuff that comes with all that. And within that same vein, the perverted views that we have of sex coming into a marriage.
Because remember, we’re all watching movies, we’re all listening to music, and sex… when they say sex sells they mean it. It’s actually everywhere.
Blaque: It’s everywhere.
Perverted Preconceptions of Sex
Lilly: So, if you are one of those people where perhaps you came into your marriage, and you stayed pure, and you come in and now you have all these ideas of what it’s supposed to be. And yet most of that is perverted. It doesn’t respect the next person. Most of that is about pleasing the self, and not serving the next person. Which is a huge part of what sex within Christian marriage is supposed to look like.
You stayed pure, and you have all these ideas of what sex is supposed to be. And yet most of that is perverted.
So I think, off the top of my head, that’s definitely one of… well I guess two of the challenges, which can affect how a couple then connects to one another.
Blaque: Yeah and I think there’s also challenges that come from just day to day living.
Lilly: Oh yeah.
Day To Day Life Get’s In The Way
Blaque: So you have hectic jobs. You have church responsibilities. You have family responsibilities. You have extended family responsibilities. And then by the time you hit the bed you are just like “Argh!” Super tired. I don’t wanna do this. “I’m out of it. Bah, bah, bah.” And so that can just affect the sex itself. You know?
People can be married for years and still sex is so vulnerable, because you give with all of you.
So already it is a sensitive thing, just in terms of how vulnerable we become with each other. Again, contrary to popular belief, people can be married for years and still sex is so vulnerable and so intimate because you give with all of you.
Lilly: Like that’s you. You know?
Blaque: So you come back from work. You’re tired. I wanna be intimate – or vice versa – and, you know, the other spouse just dismisses you and says, “Oh I’m super tired.” And just how crushing that is because you were so vulnerable in that moment. And that could be a challenging thing. You know? With the hectic and busy lives that people tend to have.
Lilly: Yeah. Because – sorry to interrupt you – because I think again with marriage – because of, again, you know, media and instagram highlights, people think marriage is just ‘do the selfie at the coffee shop’. Right? But you’re doing life. And a lot of life can be pretty mundane – can be pretty difficult. Like, ‘We have to do laundry, we have to do this, we have to do this.”
Adding Kids To The Mix
Lilly: We have a toddler and once you add a little person to the mix there’s just so much activity that it’s almost like, “Yoh! I just.. I just wanna just chill.” Binge series, read books, whatever it is. And so – like what you’re saying – that in itself, just the every day-ness of life with someone, of which not all of it is roses and whatever, yeah. Like you said, can get in the way of that. Can get in the way of the specialness of what that moment is supposed to be.
And I think that leads to – you are speaking about expectations as well. And comparing that to what the reality actually is.
Blaque: So, again, might be various reasons that are contributing to this one factor of people having unspoken, unrealistic expectations. Might be, again, perversion from the culture. Might just be sexual relations prior marriage – before conversion as well. Whatever the case may be. It might just be brokenness from past abuse, trauma…
Lilly: Yeah – that’s a big one
We Must Share Our Expectations of Sex With Our Spouse
Blaque: What ever the case is – you know what I mean? So you come into marriage and one, you don’t talk about your view of what sex is. Which is supposed to be a big thing! You know, when you are doing your marital counselling. That you speak about it and prepare for it. So sometimes you might do it, but then you don’t speak about expectations. And then don’t make it a regular habit to speak about your expectations.
And so then whatever situation has influenced how you are formulating your expectations right now, can hinder what the reality is. You know?
So I think again, reality is, it’s a vulnerable space; it’s an intimate space. It’s a space where you give all of yourself. And so, it needs to be treated with much respect, much reverence, much love, and much care.
There’s no discussion because it’s so awkward. I know a lot of newly weds think it will just happen on it’s own.
Blaque: And much sensitivity. And so it’s not helpful when you’ve formulated perverse and warped views of what sex is supposed to be – or your partner’s supposed to do – in the confines of marriage, within sex. And then you bring those expectations into such a loving, caring, vulnerable, safe space. And then it just messes things up.
Lilly: Especially if you’re not talking about it. Like you said. You are just coming in with all these ideas. And there’s no discussion because it’s so awkward. I know a lot of newly weds think it will just happen on it’s own. Like it’s just gonna pop!
Successful Marriages Take Work
Blaque: Yes! Like they didn’t tell you that marriage is work. You think “Wah. Everything else is work except this part. This part will just naturally happen. Organically it’s gonna happen.”
And I think then what tends to happen is that you have expectations, you mess up, things become awkward. And then you don’t talk some more, because they’re awkward, and then your expectations change – but you’re still not talking about them. So you just go into a spiral and it becomes a cycle. And eventually you wake up 5 years, 6 years later, and you’ve drifted apart.
You consummate your marriage on the first night. Every other time that we have sex, it’s a renewal of that covenant.
Because sex is just a renewal of the covenant. So when you consummate it the first night, every other time that we have sex, it’s a renewal of that covenant. It’s like a renewal of our vows to say we wanna be committed with each other. So if we’re not regularly renewing our vows – as it were – by the time we wake up (3, 4, 5 years) then it’s like I don’t even know who this person is. I don’t even know how I’m still committed to them. You know?
And so I think you have to have proper expectations that you speak about – so that they meet the reality that you’re both living in.
Are You Growing in Your Biblical Understanding of Sex?
Blaque: And then I think, [another challenge is] just an unbiblical view, which is probably something that we’ve touched on… but what I mean by that, is that as a married couple we need to constantly renew our understanding of the biblical view of what sex is.
So all the stuff that I spoke about. Which, a lot goes in there – I just scraped the surface. But I think renewing in terms of sitting down and saying “Hey, listen.” We speak about a bunch of things as married people. Finances, kids, work, etc. And so I think there should be space to say “Hey. Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about what our understanding of sex is. It’s been seven years that we’ve been married. Are we still understanding sex the way we understood it at the beginning?” How God designed it, you know? “What has changed?”
As a married couple we need to constantly renew our understanding of the biblical view of what sex is
Lilly: Are we growing?
Blaque: You know what I mean? So I think constantly evaluating our understanding of sex within the confines of our marriage, based on the rubric of scripture. So constantly going back there and checking over and over. Year in, year out. Every month, every week. However regularly you want to choose that we’re sitting down and talking about it. But that we are always anchoring our understanding of sex within the biblical view.
Making A Safe Space
Lilly: And I mean I think just in terms of practically when you talk about talking about it every week or every year or whatever it is, I think it’s a thing where it doesn’t need to be this big sort of awkward thing. I know it can be but I think if we sort of take away the weirdness around it to be like “This is my wife.” “This is my husband.” This should be a safe space. And if it isn’t, we are going to make it a safe space. So that it’s a regular thing.
The more you talk about it, the more you can talk about it
So it’s like – shucks – if he’s feeling kind of distant from me I can be like “Yo. What’s going on?” Because I can see that it’s going to affect our intimacy. Or vice versa. You know where it’s almost like you are… it’s not just about the sex itself and how we view sex, but we are almost looking at it holistically. Like as a married couple, where are we, how are we doing, and how are we doing here? You know? And if I’m uncomfortable, or if I’m not feeling okay, that there’s space to sort of discuss that kind of thing.
You know I am not sure if that’s making sense. But I think it’s just a thing where if it becomes… I think the more you talk about it, the more you can talk about it.
Where Does The Healing Process Begin?
Blaque: Which I think then leads me to where we can end this. Is, you know, how do we redeem this? How do we redeem the lack of speaking. How do we redeem the warped views. The unrealistic expectations. How do we go back to what we are saying – let’s look at what God defines as sex. What he says its purpose is. How it’s supposed to be used. How we conduct ourselves within that. All of that beautiful stuff.
How do we get somebody who’s – a couple who’s in a marriage and they are struggling – and they are just like “yo man. We don’t know where to begin.” So obviously we are not going to give you an extensive thesis on how you are gonna fix this. But I think we can try and give the building blocks.
So you’ve been married for a year, two years, whatever. And you are struggling in this area and it’s tough. Where do we begin?
Starting The Conversation
Lilly: I think everything begins with that word you always hear about in relationships. Which is communication. Starting the conversation. And I mean we get it. We all get it. It’s awkward. And I think that’s just part of the brokenness of the world we live in. Where sex is so warped and then you come in and you feel weird. And even though you’re married you still feel you’re this little kid where you don’t actually wanna talk about this stuff.
It starts with honesty
But I think it starts with honesty. To say, you know what, this is actually where I’m at. This is – you know like what you said earlier on. These were my expectations, this is how I feel.
Hearing Your Spouse
Lilly: And then you as a spouse being willing to hear that. And sort of meet the person. And when I say meet your person I mean like hear them – hear where they are coming from. And if you’re both obviously Bible believing, you know, God-loving Christians, then you’ll take that to the scriptures to say “What. does the Bible say about this? Am I understanding you correctly? Am I being loving in this way?”
Real Intimacy Is Not Just Physical
Lilly: I think that the only way to take away the veil is to take away the veil. And actually start having those discussions. Because earlier on you spoke about intimacy. And intimacy isn’t just the physical acts. Intimacy is your heart. You know, heart connections and mind connections and all of that stuff. And for me I think if there’s a disconnect on a physical level there must be a disconnect on a heart-mind level. As well as compounded with the expectations etc.
If there’s a disconnect on a physical level there must be a disconnect on a heart-mind level
And I think… let’s start talking. And I think if you’ve got two people in a marriage, and you want it to work, then you’ve already got a winning recipe. In that we are both gonna be in this. It’s gonna be uncomfortable, but let’s talk so that we can get to the other side.
Blaque: Yeah. And I think I can’t stress that point more. But talking is essential. And I think we don’t! Like a lot of married people – at least even just in our experience, just speaking to some couples. We will talk about everything. But then we don’t talk about this one thing – you know we don’t get to this area.
Pray About Sex Together
Blaque: And I think, you know, take it to God in prayer. And pray together. Because sometimes just sitting and saying “OK, let’s talk about sex.” It’s like ooh where do I start.
But, presuming that, you know, you are praying together already as a couple – you are praying together as a family – that you say OK we are going to sit and pray to God about sex together. And start with our father and hopefully from there then we can sit together and then chat it out. You know? And so pray to God together in the intimacy of your room – or wherever you pray. And just ask God to help you.
Talk to God about what he intended sex to be, and how it’s supposed to look in your marriage
Talk to God about what he designed sex to be. Talk to him about what he intended it to be, and how it’s supposed to look like in your own marriage.
Lilly: Yeah. That’s a big thing.
Beware Of Overshare
Blaque: Because another thing is people tend to say, “Wha! Look at that other couple! They seem like they are having a good sex life.” And as married people we talk among each other. And then I think a helpful – but also unhelpful thing – is just the level of honesty that we have between couples. Which is helpful, because you know we are supposed to talk and encourage each other, help each other, be in a community.
But another thing is that how it’s received, might not be intended from one couple to another, but the other couple that’s receiving it they might think, “Whoa! Our sex life is not as amazing as yours.” And therefore they feel the pressure to try and live up to what they think the sex life of the other couple is.
And I think that’s sinful, you know? Like, instead of just acknowledging who God has made you to be, and the person that God has brought you into the marriage with, and saying to God – “I’m bringing this couple to you Lord. We are bringing this couple to you. Help us. Walk with us. How did you make her, how did you make me. What are the various attributes that we have that can help us in this area.” You know?
It’s Still Not Working
Blaque: So, somebody might be watching this and they are thinking to themselves. “Yeah – like I hear that and I’ve tried it. It hasn’t worked”. So she’s tried speaking to him, and he’s reluctant. Or he’s tried to pray with her, and she didn’t want. So what would be some practical advice for you to help them try and get to that first step?
You Can Reach Out For Help
Lilly: I think if you’re struggling with just the two of you, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. As in marriage counselling. Reaching out to a marriage counsellor. You know? Because there’s so much emphasis placed on the pre-marital counselling, you know what I mean? And that’s before you even live with the person! Before you’ve done anything with the person! You know? And it’s almost like “OK, you’re done.” And yet I think there’s even more work that needs to go into once you are living with a person, and dealing something as small as towels on the floor to, you know, struggling with intimacy.
There’s no shame in reaching out for help. As in marriage counselling.
And again, like I said earlier, I think if both parties are saying “Listen, we are committed to one another. We’ve made a covenant. We want this to last until the Lord takes one of us.” It means that there’s a level of fight that’s there. And I think if two people are willing to fight for their marriage – just as they would in any other context – then, yeah! Reaching out to someone should be the next thing that we do then.
Because there are people out there who God has gifted with wisdom. People who’ve studied, they’ve learnt their stuff, who can guide – you know, guide you in terms of how to communicate, how to get to that place.
Stop Making Unhelpful Comparisons
Lilly: And also, you know I think, there’s something you touched on when you said, you know, now you start comparing the couples. It’s the same game that is being played before marriage. That comparison thing, that expectation thing. You almost have to wipe that from your mind, and allow you as a couple to figure out your own identity as a unit. How do we connect? What works for us? And take it slow. If it’s date nights, if it’s OK we are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. Whatever it is.
Allow you as a couple to figure out your own identity as a unit. How do we connect? What works for us?
But the point is, if you’ve both decided that, listen, we wanna make this work, we wanna get better, then do whatever it takes – you know?
Working On Your Marriage Is Beautiful
Blaque: I think like everything in marriage… marriage itself is work. And sometimes we say that and people hear, like, as though we have bad connotations attached to that. It’s not! It’s the beauty of work. It’s the beauty of building something. It’s the beauty of partnering with God in his mission as he bring married couples together – for the sake of displaying how he loves the church.
So, it is work. And within the confines of marriage, a lot of things have to be worked on. Finances have to be worked on, we have to cultivate how we steward our finances. We have to cultivate how we raise our kids: agree on how we’re gonna raise them, what we are teaching them, etc, etc.
Lilly: What we are eating?
Blaque: Yeah what we are eating. You know? How the house is run.
Cultivate Conversations Around Sex
Blaque: But another thing that we need to do is cultivate conversations around sex. Cultivate a space for it. So, Hollywood has ruined us, you know? It’s not just gonna organically happen. We need to cultivate that. And that involves talking, that involves, you know, speaking about expectations. Being intimate. Sometimes not working the way we thought it would. Sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it’s amazing. But going back to the drawing board and saying, “hey listen. Let’s talk about it.” You know? “How can we make sure that this is becoming a better, healthier space.”
Lilly: And I think that’s the redemption you are talking about. That’s it being redeemed. You know we… there’s so many views that we have of different things, which God has to correct over time.
Sex is not weird for God
Lilly: You know. And I think it’s the same principle here. And sex is not weird for God.
Blaque: Yeah, yeah sure.
Lilly: It’s not a weird thing.
Blaque: It’s not weird – he made it. So I think, yeah, with that said, any parting shots from you? Just last words of encouragement?
Invite God In
Lilly: Um, yeah. I mean I think it’ll just be to reiterate what I said earlier, which is to communicate with one another. Be honest with one another. Invite God into that space. It doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable, awkward, weird space. And sort of make it safe for each other. Work on doing that.
As well as to not use sex as a sort of weapon.
Remember that sex is sacred, it is important, it does matter. And it’s not something to be played with.
You know I think sometimes in marriage it’s made light of. I think especially again going back to what we see on TV. You know, where withholding is sort of a punishment. You know? And to not do that. To not make this beautiful, precious thing into something that becomes almost dirty. Almost like, corrupted. To not sort of play into those kinds of things. To remember that it is sacred, it is important, it does matter. And it’s not something to be played with in that way.
Married Sex Is Good For Us
Blaque: Yeah, that’s dope man. And yeah, be encouraged man! Marriage is a picture of how God loves the Church. And I think it’s such a precious and special thing, you know, to partner up with God in that regard. And so, marriage is vital. Not just for us, but for our family – yes – our kids that we have. For the communities that we live in. And ultimately for the world, you know?
So Satan will come and attack. Satan will try and mess things up. And again, we said that at the beginning, you know? It’s either money or sex that become the biggest arguments, or even the biggest factors that people end up divorcing.
As you become intimate with your spouse, it is ultimately for God’s glory.
Married Sex Is Part of God’s Plan
Blaque: So don’t give Satan a foothold. You know? Try and speak, like we said. Again, know that you are doing that in the light of God’s glory. As you become intimate with your spouse, it is ultimately for God’s glory. And it’s building you guys together. To build your family stronger so that we can build a society that will glorify God. So it’s bigger than just the two of us. So I think it connects to the mission of God and what God is doing in this world.
So I think that could give us encouragement, you know? To know that God is with us. So, it’s not just a daunting thing. Like “ooh now you said sex is part of God’s mission, and it’s not happening!” No, but I think it should give us encouragement to know that God is with us. God is walking with us. God wants this thing to work out. God wants it to be as beautiful as he intended it to be.
God wants it to be as beautiful as he intended it to be.
So in those dark times, go back to him. Cry out to him. As you speak, as you seek counselling. But know that Emmanuel is with you. God is there by your side, and he gets it, and he understands. And he wants the best for his glory, again, and for the sake of his kingdom. So, be encouraged with those words. And that will be our last thoughts.
Blaque: Thank you again for watching this. And we pray and hope that it will be beneficial for you and that you can share it with other people, as well, who you think will benefit from this.
So from us this is The Gospel Coalition Africa Podcast.