I once bought a pair of socks from Kaunjika, our local thrift shop. They looked identical on the surface. Only, when I put them on, I realised they were not a pair at all. At first glance, they seemed fine. But closer inspection showed what was hidden.
Since our marriage in 2022, we have longed for children.
That simple mismatch has stayed in my mind. Life often feels the same. We appear complete, yet struggles beneath the surface eventually become visible. For my wife and me, that hidden struggle has been childlessness. Since our marriage in 2022, we have longed for children. Three years later we often face questions, such as: “When will we celebrate with you?” Questions like that, while not always sinful, often expose the deeper pressures couples carry.
Children Are a Gift, Not a Guarantee
Psalm 127:3 declares, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Scripture celebrates children as a blessing from God. But he doesn’t promise children to every marriage. Abraham and Sarah, Elkanah and Hannah, Zechariah and Elizabeth all experienced waiting. Their lives remind us that barrenness is not new. Nor is it a sign of God’s absence.
Children are a blessing. But God doesn’t promise them to every marriage.
John Calvin once wrote that God “knows better than we do what is expedient for us,” reminding us that the absence of a good gift does not mean the absence of God’s goodness. Dr Jerry Wragg echoes this thought. He says, “When God withholds something good, he is not unkind. He is shaping us to see that he Himself is better than every gift.”
When Culture Says Marriage Is ‘Incomplete’ Without Children
In many African settings, marriage is not considered complete until children arrive. Couples without children can be pitied, whispered about, or pressured into harmful solutions. Yet God tells us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Our worth is not measured by children but by Christ.
The deeper danger in this waiting is not childlessness itself but the temptation to doubt God’s goodness. John Piper warns, “The greatest danger in suffering is not the pain itself but the temptation to doubt God’s goodness.” Couples must guard against this lie, and the church must not reinforce it. Our worth is not measured by children but by Christ.
Carrying Each Other’s Burdens
God commands believers to, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Childlessness is heavy. So it isn’t meant to be carried alone. Struggling couples need the fellowship of believers who will pray with them, counsel them, and remind them of God’s promises.
Childlessness is heavy. It isn’t meant to be carried alone.
Church members, too, must weigh their words carefully. In African families, questions about children often come quickly and without thought. Even a casual “when are you having children?” may seem harmless, but it can wound deeply. Far better to say, “we thank God for you,” or “we are praying with you.” Charles Spurgeon was right: “True Christian fellowship is tested when we choose to enter the sorrows of others, not only their joys.”
In our own marriage, we have felt the sting of those questions and the weight of waiting. There have been nights of sorrow, prayers filled with longing, and hard conversations about adoption. Yet God has used his people as a lifeline. Brothers have prayed with me. Sisters have encouraged my wife. Their support did not erase the questions, however it did strengthen our faith.
If you know a couple struggling like us, remember that your presence and prayer may be God’s mercy to them.
A Countercultural Witness
In African cultures, barrenness is often seen not simply as grief but as shame. Families may whisper, relatives may pressure, and unbiblical suggestions may be offered. Some even turn to traditional healers. For marriage, as its understood, must result in children.
In a society that idolises children, the gospel calls us to celebrate Christ above all.
The Church must resist these patterns. By affirming that couples without children are still whole in Christ and valuable in the family of God, we show a countercultural witness. In a society that idolises children, the gospel calls us to celebrate Christ above all.
How Should We Respond?
If you are:
- Waiting, then anchor your hope in God’s providence. Trust his word more than people’s expectations.
- Walking with others who wait, pray with them, affirm their worth in Christ, and choose words that encourage rather than wound.
One small act of compassion can lift a heavy burden.
Christ Completes Every Marriage
Jesus himself lived without children. Yet his life was full of obedience and eternal fruits. Our identity is not bound to bearing children but to belonging to him. His grace is sufficient; his timing perfect; and his love never fails.
Waiting is never wasted.
So when the questions come, let them drive us to Christ. In him, no couple is incomplete; churches fulfil their calling by bearing burdens together; and the waiting is never wasted.
