Have you ever tried an online dating app? I can bet that most people in my local context would stumble over that question. Some might even recoil. The facial reactions are almost predictable: surprise, annoyance, bewilderment, embarrassment, shame, or a sarcastic laugh. Those already using dating apps might conjure up some strength to concur, in self-reservation. Still others may walk in unspoken shame, feeling it isn’t African to consider online dating. Beyond that, others might even insist it isn’t orthodox, Christian. Just a mention of online dating undoubtedly stirs a variety of reactions.
Is the impulse shaped by scripture?
In this article, I would like to flesh out how Africans feel about online dating, highlighting two extremes. Personally, I’ve swung between them. Then I’ll suggest what a healthy approach might look like. After all, we do live in the digital era, meaning today it’s more likely to meet people online than in organic ways.
One Extreme: A Total Rejection of Online Dating
The first extreme is to reject the idea completely. This extreme can almost demonise the thought of people finding their significant other online. In African cultures, most people are more inclined to the organic ways of meeting. So many consider online options a foreign anomaly, even an aberration. They associate online dating with desperation and a lack of trust in God (Proverbs 3:5-6). Furthermore, some deem expressing one’s desire for marriage online—so very publicly—as dishonouring their culture. Shameful. I’ve even heard of African parents becoming convinced that their child is bewitched, after learning they were trying to meet a potential spouse online.
Online dating can look like a refusal to wait on God’s timing.
For Christians, online dating can feel like “playing God,” motivated by the fear that one may never marry. It can look like impatience; a refusal to wait on God’s timing.
Another Extreme: Uncritical Immersion into Online Dating
The second extreme can feel like liberation from the legalism above. So one dives into online dating without wisdom or caution. It can be seen as Christian liberty, which it is—only it is practised in ways that don’t glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:23). This extreme can masquerade as being modern and civilised, while ignoring the dangers that lurk in forming emotional intimacy online.
This extreme ignores the dangers in forming emotional intimacy online.
Without discernment, people very quickly end up treating online dating and apps, rather than God (Jeremiah 17:7-8), as the ultimate answer to their singleness. The ego boost of waking up to suitors’ messages can become addictive. It is astounding the amount of time people can spend on these apps, scrolling and swiping in ‘search’ of a perfect match. But it can also be exhausting. These dangers are amplified on platforms that don’t hold to Christian values. It is possible to become deceived, leading to greater disappointing and hurt.
The Balanced Approach
Whether you lean towards using or refusing online dating, the balance is in checking your heart’s motivation. Is the impulse shaped by scripture or by comparison with others (2 Corinthians 10:12)?
Check your heart.
If you’re open to online dating, ask: Is it fear? Desperation? Escape from loneliness? Just a platform to hook up for a night? Unbelief that God is taking too long, or is it simply a desire to meet more people, trusting that—if he wills—God can provide a spouse there? Are you seeking godly conversations, even sharing the gospel when opportunities arise (Colossians 4:5-6)?
If you aren’t okay with online dating, examine your heart as well. Is the motive a critical spirit? Self-righteousness? Irrational fear? Resignation? Or is it a genuine, prayerful conviction that this path isn’t for you?
How will you counsel a fellow believer thinking through the option of online dating?
This isn’t an easy topic in the African context. Most of us desire the traditional way of meeting people. Only we can’t deny the reality of the digital era we inhabit. So, how will you respond when a fellow believer approaches you to think through the option of online dating? Will you rebuke them on the spot, based on your views, binding them to your conscience? Will you immediately encourage them to pursue online dating without considering the pitfalls or encouraging them to be accountable? Regardless of your personal convictions on this matter, you should prayerfully guide them along paths that glorify God, whether that means engaging or refraining (1 Corinthians 10:31).
