We’ve all heard sayings like, “not my monkey, not my circus” and “to each their own”? If we’re honest, these phrases have even found their way into Christian conversations; I must admit: I’ve used them myself, typically in situations that feel beyond me. A complicated family matter. Another’s serious struggle. Something way outside of my responsibility or influence. And in saying those words, I was subtly implying, ‘There’s nothing I can do here.’
But the more I’ve sat with these phrases, the more uncomfortable I’ve become using them as a Christian. Come along with me as we briefly consider some of these sayings.
1. “Not My Monkey, Not My Circus”
At face value, this sounds like wisdom. It sounds like setting healthy boundaries. But if we look a little deeper, it quietly communicates disengagement. Because the truth is: as believers, we are in the world, but we aren’t of it (John 17:14-16). That means we don’t get to completely detach ourselves from the brokenness surrounding us. We won’t be responsible for everything. But we can’t absent ourselves from everything either.
So what are we really saying with “not my monkey, not my circus”? We’re acknowledging the chaos but deciding against being part of the solution.
We acknowledge the chaos but decide against being part of the solution.
Imagine a circus full of monkeys. They’re loud. Chaotic. Unpredictable. The moment you say, “not my monkey, not my circus,” you’ve admitted you’re standing inside the tent. You see what’s happening; you’re aware of the disorder. But instead of stepping in as a peacemaker (Matthew 5:9), you step outside the tent. How does this fulfil the call to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16)? How does it bear witness? What does flatly avoiding relational discomfort and inconvenience communicate to others? Sure, our involvement might not fix anything. But it’s still better than passive indifference.
2. “To Each Their Own”
This one sounds similarly harmless, even polite, until we examine it more closely. For it leans heavily into individualism. To be perfectly honest, I find myself using it as a kind of quiet selfishness.
What happens to you has nothing to do with me.
Growing up African, I was raised in a way that didn’t permit isolated living. Someone else’s pain was your concern. Their joy became your joy. Community wasn’t optional. It was identity. The implication of saying “to each their own” is that what happens to you has nothing to do with me. The Bible, on the other hand, paints a very different picture. God calls his people into community; into shared burdens and mutual care. “Carry each other’s burdens,” Paul writes, “and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Opting for silence and distancing myself from someone’s struggles profoundly contradicts this. It cuts against the nature of Christian community and living.
So Then, What Should We Do?
Firstly, there are plenty of other unhelpful sayings, particularly when it comes to friendship. There’s a lot of conventional wisdom we’d be better off without. Next, let’s realise that sometimes our hands are tied. This is the reality of our messy world. Sometimes we genuinely won’t know what to do—or how to help.
We might offer guidance. We can certainly walk with people towards help.
It’s here that we must resist another very popular Christian phrase: “I’ll pray for you.” Sure, it can be sincere. But if we’re honest, we often use it as a polite way to exit a difficult conversation. Instead of empty words, let’s take prayer seriously. Instead of treating it as a closing remark, let’s turn it into immediate action. There and then. Instead of saying, “I’ll pray for you,” what if we asked, “Can we pray right now?” This way, we avoid turning prayer into a platitude and simultaneously participate in the work of God. Then, where possible, we go further. We might offer guidance. We can walk with people towards help when we feel like we can’t provide what’s necessary.
A Different Way to Live
When we step back and look at the gospel, we see something profound: Jesus entered our circus. He stepped into our brokenness, the chaos and sin, yet he remained holy, set apart, and without sin. He didn’t stand at a distance and say, “to each their own.” Instead, he humbled himself, becoming a servant of others, disregarding the personal cost (Philippians 2:8). He didn’t disengage. Jesus intervened. And he calls us to reflect that same heart. While we won’t do it perfectly, we can do it intentionally.
It might not be your circus. But you can still lend a hand.
Carrying each other’s burdens; showing up when it’s inconvenient; praying when it feels awkward; speaking truth with love. Yes. It might not be your circus. But you can still lend a hand. Yes, we’re each our own person. But that doesn’t mean we leave each other alone. I’m not suggesting this is easy. Thankfully, we aren’t left to do it in our own strength. We entrust ourselves to God, depending on him to work in us and through us. May God help us live transformed lives both in word and deed, so that others may see and glorify our Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16; 1 Peter 2:11-12).
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