Friendship is one of the most important relationships that God has given us. It is a pervasive relationship, intertwined with many other relationships. You find it in families between siblings; spouses; even parents and their children. Friendship is everywhere. It is universal. Friendship transcends culture, societies, and tribes. It has no boundaries and can be found almost everywhere, from the workplace to your local neighbourhood.
Friendship is one of the most important relationships that God has given us.
That makes it all the more remarkable that it isn’t one of those relationships we are formally taught, since from childhood we naturally gravitate towards it. It’s as if there’s a subtle need within us—that we’re born with, inbuilt. We desire to be known and to know others long before we ask why we want friends or need companionship. In his wisdom, God created us with a need for one another. And friendship is one of the places we see this playing out.
Seemingly Wise Distortions of Friendship
The problem is: we tend to take friendship for granted. Sadly, even among Christians, friendship is rarely given the seriousness or attention it deserves. Usually we’re left to figure it out on our own. Thus many Christians end up adapting worldly approaches to their friendships. So you’ll hear Christians using the same statements and philosophies as the world. “If it doesn’t serve you, cut it off.” “I don’t chase, I replace.” “Only be friends with people who help you climb.” “I’m focusing on me right now.” “I am enough.”
Is this how we, as Christians, are called to approach friendship?
At first, these statements may sound wise or strong. They have a hint of self-respect. Only under examination, they have similar things in common: they avoid addressing conflict; encourage selfishness; and make it acceptable to abandon friendships for self-serving reasons. Friendship becomes transactional, as if people are only valuable when they’re useful. In this way of thinking, friends became replaceable. There is little room for repentance or forgiveness. Little room for patience and grace. Rather these ideas often promote pride and self-centredness; most of all, they remove God from the centre of friendship.
So the question then becomes: is this how we, as Christians, are called to approach friendship? Is this how we are supposed to practice friendship? Or does the Bible teach us something different?
Jesus Sets the Standard for Friendship
It isn’t enough to merely recognise the flaws of the world’s approach. We must actively aspire to the standard that God has set. This requires a major shift in perspective, moving away from the me-centred culture of convenience to a Christ-centred culture of commitment. When we look to God’s word we see that the foundation of our relationships isn’t meant to be about what we can get but ought to be built on how we can give.
First and foremost, Christians are called to love as Christ did. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love [or commitment] has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13).
We must move away from the me-centred culture of convenience to a Christ-centred commitment.
These verses are very clear. In the words of Christ, we’re called to love, unselfishly seeking the best for one another. There is no room here for selfish and self-serving intentions. Christ points us to himself as the example. “As I have loved you,” he says. This means we’re to love the way he loved: sacrificially, patiently, faithfully, and humbly. This challenges the way we think about friendship today, where we’re quick to abandon our friends when the relationship becomes difficult or uncomfortable. Christ didn’t love like that. Christ didn’t walk away when disappointed. He didn’t replace his disciples when they failed him. Betrayed him. Jesus didn’t abandon his friendships when loving them became painful and costly. He loved them to the very end.
I also find it very beautiful that Jesus speaks about laying down one’s life within friendship. He could’ve used many other words. He could’ve said servants, followers, or even family. But he chose the word friends. This shows us how highly Jesus thought of friendship. His friends were valuable enough for him to lay down his life for them. Friends were not disposable. They weren’t replaceable. Friends were worth sacrifice. If this is the example Christ set and exhorts us to follow, surely we can’t say we’ll cut people off when they’re no longer convenient, useful, or easy to love.
Don’t Make Everything About You
The Bible continues to call for humility and selflessness in our relationships: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit,” writes Paul, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Again, this verse clearly tells us to do away with selfishness. God gently, graciously reminds us that our relationships aren’t all about us. In our friendships, there is no room for selfishness, arrogance, or pride. Instead, there is room for humility, patience, forgiveness, and sacrificial love, just like the example of Christ.
It isn’t about what we can gain.
“Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbour” (1 Corinthians 10:24). In other words, everything isn’t about us. Thus friendship isn’t about what we can gain, what we can get, or how others might help us climb. Friendship is about loving, serving, caring, forgiving, and sometimes even suffering for one another.
The God-Given Purpose
While the practical steps of humility and forgiveness are essential, we must understand that these actions serve a much larger purpose. Our friendships aren’t isolated bubbles, designed for our personal comfort or happiness. They are, instead, intended to be a reflection of the gospel. Staying when it’s hard, like serving when we’re tired, is much more than being a good friend. By it we are becoming vessels that reveal the character of God.
God isn’t glorified when we replace instead of loving faithfully.
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace…in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:10-11). After all the sacrificial loving, the serving, the humility, and the forgiveness, these verses give us the reason for all of it. “That in everything God may be glorified.” In the end, even our friendships are about something much greater than our own happiness or even our friends’ happiness. They’re about the glory of God.
When we practice friendship according to the world, when we cut people off instead of pursuing repentance and forgiveness, when we seek people only for personal gain, when we replace instead of loving faithfully, when we become proud and self-centred, God isn’t glorified. But when we love sacrificially, when we forgive, when we stay, when we serve, when we humble ourselves, when we choose grace instead of pride, God is glorified.
Treasure This Gift to Glorify the Giver
Christ led by example. He loved sacrificially. In scripture we observe many moments when Christ served selflessly. Loved in humility. Have you forgotten that he washed his disciples’ feet? And there is so much more. Again and again, Christ showed us how we ought to approach this precious relationship. Friendship. For it isn’t something small or casual. Nor should we treat it as something disposable. It is a gift from God. And like all gifts from God, it must be handled with love, humility, patience, and grace. We are called to serve one another and love sacrificially, so that in our friendships, in our relationships, and in our lives, God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.
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