Singleness: A Woman’s Perspective

“I’m happy. There’s nothing wrong with me and honestly, speaking I feel like Jesus has been so amazing in teaching me the difference between singleness and being alone. And singleness and being lonely. I’m not lonely, in terms of I feel loved, I have love. I have people who love me, but I’m alone because I’m not attached to someone. So I think, those, we need to very careful. I’m alone because I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have a husband. But, I’m not lonely because I have community.”

Nyeleti Furumele – A Single Woman

Blaque: Welcome to The Gospel Coalition Africa Podcast. I am still your host, Blaque Nubon. This is part two of our singleness conversation, as I promised, we’re gonna have the guy’s perspective if you haven’t seen it go watch part one. And this is the lady’s perspective on singleness.

Nyeleti: Hello.

Blaque: Hey, part two. And we have another special guest with us. Nyeleti, how do you say your name?

Nyeleti: Nyeleti.

Blaque: Nyeleti. So the Nye is together.

Blaque: So not Nyaleti. Nyeleti.

Nyeleti: Yes.

Blaque: What does it mean?

Nyeleti: It means star in Shithonga. Star?

Blaque: Oh like Nkanyise, Nyeleti. Okay. I mean it sounds. Just like Nyeleti?

Nyeleti: Oh no, I hear you.

Blaque: For those who don’t know who Nyeleti is, do you want to tell us who you are? What you do? Where you from?

Nyeleti: Okay. Are you from Venda? Okay, so I’m Tsonga, which means I’m from Limpopo. I was born originally in Giyani. I spent the first six years of my life there and then we moved to Gauteng. So my mom worked this side, then we came this side.

Blaque: That is the North of South Africa.

Nyeleti: The north of South Africa, in Limpopo we are our own country.

Blaque: Haha, okay we see you.

Nyeleti: Better recognise, none of this part of no, we are our own country. So I moved from my country to the rest of South Africa.

Blaque: Where is your passport?

Nyeleti: It’s there it’s ready, don’t worry. Cyril is doing the things. Anyways, so I’ve lived in Gauteng for a little over, I think, 22 years now? But Limpopo is always home and I am a qualified journalist by profession, but I work as an editor full time and part of technical staff in Television in Newsroom Africa, that is what I do now.

Blaque: Good stuff, so why did you get into that?

Nyeleti: So initially, I wanted to be a photojournalist.

Blaque: Wow, I didn’t know that.

Nyeleti: That I how I ended up getting into journalism.

it’s either we live for this world or we live for the world to come.

The Prayerful ‘Zena’

Blaque: That’s cool. So in between trying to get into being a photojournalist, studying journalism, being behind the camera. How did Jesus penetrate through all of that to reach you?

Nyeleti: So, my grandmother is the, I want to say, Zena, of the family in terms of Jesus.

Blaque: For all of you who don’t know who Zena is, she was this warrior women.

Nyeleti: Warrior princess.

Blaque: She was the best popeye ever.

Nyeleti: So, literally, how Zena was in defending her people and her tribe, that was how she was about the gospel. So in the first week of varsity, she called me every day. “Nyeleti, wa’khongela, utlala, unadawo wokhungela nabona? (“Nyeleti, are you worshipping? have you found people worship with?”)” And I think I was about three months in, Eddie did a talk about two ways to live. I don’t remember the sermon topic it was on. I do remember it was two ways to live. It was talking about how we either live for this world or we live for the world to come. And I think at that moment, I felt an understanding. There wasn’t angels and God didn’t go, “ooh my child did you get that?” It was just a… I think an understanding of, okay this is for real, this Jesus guy is for real.

It’s weird, that my definition of me or my womanhood or who I am, needs to be, ‘do you have a man?’

Defining Singleness

Blaque: Zena is quite influential in your life. I hope your grandmother doesn’t watch this and I keep on calling her Zena! But talking about singleness, I just want to know what her thought are, when it comes to you being a single lady at your age in an African family. But, we’ll get to that, that was just in case any of you were like “this is boring”, don’t leave, alright? What would you define singleness as?

Nyeleti: I think for me singleness has always been… Okay maybe let me define it this way. Singleness is a non-married state. Because, I think a lot of people think “Oh, unali’ boyfriend!” And therefore you are not single. I don’t remember going to home-affairs and there being a box that says, single by yourself, single, but dating, single but in a ‘situation’ and then almost sorta kinda single and then you get married, divorced, widowed. Single is any state outside of marriage. And I think the reason, I want to be clear on that definition is because a lot of people go “umara usingle girl, can I hook you up with my friend? He’s very nice. He loves Jesus.” Or, cause my friends always do that. Or “but does he really need to love Jesus? like he’s got a good job choma. You know but Jesus will come!” It’s weird, that my definition of me or my womanhood or who I am needs to be, do you have a man?

Blaque: Eish, that’s wack.

Nyeleti: And it’s sad, it really is, because like, I’m single but I’m not alone. I’ve got people, I’ve got friends, I’ve got family and it’s a weird thing that people just… “u’single. Oooh”

I’m single but I’m not alone. I’ve got people

Alone, but Not Lonely

Blaque: I mean, speaking about that, what are some of the stigmas that people put on you, as somebody who is single?

Nyeleti: They always say, “are you gonna be the cat lady?” Which is, you’ll die alone…

Blaque: That’s horrible.

Nyeleti: With cats… I’m okay with that because I’m asthmatic, so cats are out. Don’t worry about that! And there’s always an inherent assumption, that I’m lonely.

Blaque: Define that for us, so single but not lonely? I’ve heard people say that.

Nyeleti: Yes. So, I have a healthy relationship with friends, I have male friends, I have female friends. I have married friends. I have situationship friends, they are together but you are not sure, what is really happening. And that for me means I’m single, but I’m with people.

Blaque: Sure, that’s good.

Nyeleti: There are friends that are single who understand my situation. There are friends who are married, who sometimes understand the situation. But sometimes, it’s like “ooh friend, what’s happening?” And there are friends who are in a ‘situationship’, that are just like, “just get someone!” And that becomes a weird conversation to tell them, “I’m okay. I’m happy there’s nothing wrong with me” And honestly speaking, I feel like Jesus has been so amazing in teaching me the difference between singleness and being alone, and singleness and being lonely. So, I’m not lonely, in terms of I feel loved, I have love, people love me. But, I’m alone because I’m not attached to someone. So I think we need to be very careful. I’m alone because I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have a husband. But, I’m not lonely, because I have community.

Jesus has been so amazing in teaching me the difference between singleness and being alone, and singleness and being lonely.

Blaque: Dope.

Nyeleti: And if I mess up there then it’s just “let’s move.”

Lonely, but Not Alone

Blaque: How hard has it been, or easy, to press in into those relationships in your community. Has it been hard, has it been easy? So people who are married? Friends who are engaged or dating or whatever you want to call it? Other single friends?

Nyeleti: So I think it just depends on the season, you’re in. And there was a season when everybody was getting married and that was hard. Because it’s just a wedding invitation there and wedding invitation there, baby showers, wedding showers. And it’s hard to constantly go to them by yourself. And women are going, “Oh but my man took me out to Sandton yesterday. Oh my man bought chocolates for me. And ooh my man this, and my man that.” And they say “so?” and I’m like “oh. I took myself to the movie and it was pretty dope. We did the things, I took myself to lunch, that was nice!” I read this new book…” And they are like, “oh, okay.” And then the conversation sort of like… dies down real quickly. “So the weather outside is amazing, just amazing!” And it becomes awkward. But I think, five years ago where it was back to back weddings: friends, sisters, people getting into relationships, cousins starting to date. It was so hard. Because my cousins who love me kept trying to hook me up and kept saying…

Contentment in Singleness

Blaque: Is that what makes it hard? The fact that people are trying to get you into  a relationship or just personally because you have desires to get married? You have desires to be with somebody and so seeing that in front of you. Is that what’s crushing you?

Nyeleti: No, so five years ago, if you had asked me would I want to get married? The answer would have been, no. That is not my portion. That’s not what we’re doing. And I think, in that season it was good. It wasn’t… Friends, family, cousins, I don’t think they were doing a bad thing, trying to hook me up. I don’t think it was a bad thing. I just felt like in that season I wasn’t ready to introduce someone into my life. I had just gone through a rough season, in terms of losing my grandfather, which was hard. And I felt had  I been in a relationship it would have been even harder because I totally shut down in that season. I mean, I shut down with friends and the church. Cause I think I did three months where I’d come to church and literally sit outside.

in that season, I felt I needed to hang onto Jesus a little bit more

Blaque: Wow.

Nyeleti: I’d be late to church on purpose so that I don’t talk to anyone and then I’d leave church super early so that no one can ask, “Are you okay, what’s happening?” And in that season, I felt I needed to hang onto Jesus a little bit more and I felt that’s where my definition for lonely and alone came in.

Blaque: Ah, I see.

Nyeleti: So that’s when God just said, “Look, I have you, and I need you in this season.” And that was amazing. I would never give up the past 7 / 6 years of singleness because I feel like I’m such an amazing person now. And yes, I’m going to say that to the world. I got to boost my own ego! Anyways, because it was just such a good season and in terms of the desire for marriage. I don’t know if I’m ready for marriage, pre se. But I feel I’ve been equipped. Whether marriage comes, I know I’ve got women who will stand with me and say, “your husband is a mess, but so are you so find a way to deal with it”. But there will be women who will say, “I know it’s hard to be single, but we have you.”

Blaque: Sure.

I don’t know if I’m ready for marriage, pre se. But I feel I’ve been equipped.

Nyeleti: “And we are going to walk this single journey with you until, whenever.”

The Expectation From the 15 Piece Pot Set

Blaque: Sure, yeah that’s good. And how’s your family? So let’s get to Zena! Cause I hear your cousins trying to hook you up with people. But I’m like, your dad, your mom, your grandma, your uncles? Cause at our age, black families are like…

Nyeleti: “Where the kids?”

Blaque: “Ah dyah! We took you to school, that’s done! Now bring some more humans to this family!” How’s that been?

Nyeleti: Ah… okay. So Zena, warrior princess, last year I turned 27, and she brought me a 15 piece pot set for my birthday.

Blaque: Ayy! if that is not a hint, I don’t know!

I’m giving this to you now, so that you can hurry this process. Where is he?

Nyeleti: She wasn’t that subtle, she came to me and said, “I’m so sick of you being single, I was going to give this to you on your wedding day, but clearly that’s not happening. So, I’m giving this to you now, so that you can hurry this process. Where is he?”

Blaque: Yoh, that’s boss.

Nyeleti: I remember sitting there going “okay, this is awkward.”

Blaque: So you just got pots in your room right now?

marriage is such a status symbol

African Social Pressures

Nyeleti: I just got pots, just sitting waiting, chilling in the closet. And she was insistent that I can’t use them until. She was like, “but okay fine don’t get a man, but at least move out of our home. Just like, what are you doing? Just do something!” So I think for her, it has been the hardest because I’m the eldest. Well, I’m not. I have an older sister, and she’s got, kids. So I think they compensate for her lack of…

Blaque: Grandkids.

Nyeleti: So… “you don’t have a marriage, but we’ve got grandkids.” So it is, I think at 27, it was very hard for me because of that. I felt extra pressed, and I just remember thinking, man, just get out of my face! I don’t want…like what is wrong with all of you? Stop! After she gave me the pots, I sat with my cousin, Nltange, she took me out for my birthday, and I said to her, “I mean, I love how you model honesty with me, so I want to be honest with you right now.” And we spoke about her boyfriend for some reason and she was like, “Are you ready to date?” Cause that’s like how every conversation ends. And I was like, “uhm, I don’t’ know, I mean I’m in a good place if someone comes, he comes and if he doesn’t, oh well.” And then I spent the whole of my 27th-year single. And then, my family was just like, “We’re so sick of you. We really, really are.”

I’m in a good place if someone comes, he comes and if he doesn’t, oh well.

And so, marriage is such a status symbol, because she goes around everywhere like, “Oh my granddaughter, she’s amazing. She’s got a job, she’s got a car, she’s ready.” And then married? “Oh, she’s not married yet.”

Blaque: That’s the big dent.

Nyeleti: And then it goes down, “She’s not married yet.” Ah. But everything else, “Oh no she’s got a job.”

Dealing With the Pressure

Nyeleti: So, I think in the last year and a half, she’s been really putting a lot of pressure on me. And I’ve had to really decide – especially when guys hit on me. I’ve had to decide my response because I don’t what to marry a Themba because my grandmother is saying, find a husband. So that has been the tricky situation, because it’s as if she went and she said, “God, this girl is not doing the right thing. So, I’m going to pray for her.” Because there was a season where it felt as if they were coming.

I don’t want to find myself in a pressure situation where I’m married to just anyone. Because marriage is hard.

Blaque: A bunch of Thembas just rocking up.

Nyeleti: Just vush vush vush. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. So I’ve had to sit them down and tell them, I don’t want to pressure myself and I don’t want to find myself in a pressure situation where I’m married to just anyone. Because marriage is hard. You don’t want to wake up one day and be like “eish!”

Blaque: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nyeleti: “What did I do? And I got kids with you, now we’re bound together for life!” It is hard, but I think, because of the era she grew up in marriage is important.

Mixed Messages

Blaque: And from your parents?

Nyeleti: My dad used to put a lot of pressure on me after varsity, but now it’s sort of…

Blaque: Is he like “I’m tired of taking care of you, go figure yourself out”? Because normally dads are like, “no that’s my baby girl you’re not going anywhere. Don’t tell me about boys.”

Nyeleti: Well, I think, out of the two, he’s the more liberal one. So my mom is the strict one.

Blaque: Oh, so your mom doesn’t what you to leave.

Nyeleti: So now, the roles are sort of reversed, he’s holding onto me a lot more, and it’s weird because he was the one who was encouraging “fly, go do things, go live, go do the stuff.” Now all of a sudden, his like “where you going? Stay home, stay in my nest.” And my mom, I think… so she’s a divorcee. Before… so she got divorced with my biological father before she married my dad. The English also there doesn’t make sense, but you’ll understand. So she’s very “don’t rush into it” sort of thing. Which is good. And it has been very difficult, cause I try to tell her, “I’m not rushing into it.” I mean I’m 28. I feel like, not rushing into it is a little late now. I’m literally, approaching 30. So, she’s got mixed signals, “get married, but don’t rush into it.” So it’s weird.

Blaque: Yeah, yeah, yeah, shedsh.

Nyeleti: But, they don’t pressure me as much as I think, other single 28s would. Who are engaged, dating, married.

Blaque: Okay.

Nyeleti: So, I think for them, “just find someone” is their thing, cause, my aunt is always saying, “ugh, just, we don’t care, just introduce someone!”

My cousins think I’m too picky.

You’re too picky!

Blaque: Do they accuse you of being too picky?

Nyeleti: So my aunt, my parents, my grandparents don’t think that, because they understand, my love for Jesus. My cousins think I’m too picky. Because I always tell them I don’t want to be fighting about church. I don’t want to be fighting about “I need to go to life group.” I don’t want to be fighting about the fact that I need to meet up with friends at church or whatever. Those are not things I want to fight about. Let’s fight about other things. I want a man who loves Jesus. I don’t care if he comes with a six-pack or not.

I want a man who loves Jesus. I don’t care if he comes with a six-pack or not.

Blaque: Yes.

Nyeleti: That’s not what I’m worried about. I need to know does he love Jesus? Will we be together in the Word? When I’m falling apart will he hold my hand and say, “I’m going to pray for you and then I need you to snap out of it.” Or will he say, “I’m gonna pray for you, and then I’m gonna hold your hand as you go through whatever it is, you’re going through.” So for them, they think I’m too picky. They think.

Blaque: You want a pastor, you not going to find a pastor, you want a bishop.

Nyeleti: I want a holy… and it’s like “oh wee, where you gonna get him?”

I need to know does he love Jesus? Will we be together in the Word?

Seven Years Single

Blaque: Well everyone’s opinion, and people’s opinion’s change anyway. How long have you been single?

Nyeleti: So, I’ve been single since I’ve been 21, so I’m 28 this year.

Blaque: So seven years.

Nyeleti: So quick math.

Blaque: So 7 years, yeah. Part one, the guy we interviewed, has also been single for 7 years. Hint, hint, nudge nudge, I’m also doing what people do to you.

Nyeleti: Please don’t because I haven’t watched part one yet.

Finding Kingdom Love during a Break-Up

Blaque: But in the seven years, what has God taught you about the gift he’s given you? The gift of singleness. How do you, how does God see you? And from what he’s taught you, have you used it to further His kingdom?

Nyeleti: So, I’m inherently shy but a lot of people wouldn’t say that, because I’m always surrounded by people. So every time I tell people, “yoh, I’m just…”

Blaque: I get it, I’m like that.

Nyeleti: I wanna, yeah. It’s like I put on a mask in people. Just to cope with how in my face and in my space they are in. And I think being single has helped, in a lot of ways, model Christ’s love.

It was like a swarm of people enveloped me and that helped a lot, in terms of knowing who I am and then figuring out what I wanted

Blaque: Sure.

Nyeleti: Because, I felt like I was, when I was, my last boyfriend, uhm I feel like I had a lot of support when we were dating. But I think I felt, ah what’s the word, okay I’m going to go with loved after we broke up.

Blaque: Wow.

Nyeleti: And I thought that was, weird but it was like a swarm of people enveloped me and that helped a lot, in terms of knowing who I am. And then figuring out what I wanted because I think, especially in the first year of singleness, it was so hard to figure out, where do I sit? where do I fit? Cause your friends are dating and then eventually they are going to get married and they start having kids and then it’s a thing. So I felt like, kingdom love is what I felt immediately after that. I mean, I have listened to every podcast, read every book, every TED Talk on singleness and whatever. But what I think was so amazing was just finding friends who said, “You know what we got you. We love you.”

I have listened to every podcast, read every book, every TED Talk on singleness and whatever.

Living for the Kingdom in Singleness

Blaque: That’s good.

Nyeleti: And that was good because I managed to do a lot of things at church. I participated a lot in church activities. In the beginning, it was just so that I could stay busy. But after a while, it was oh “I like this, let me do that.” And then the questions of, “do you need someone?” sort of dwindled. And a situation like Focus (student ministry), for instance, giving back, it was so much easier when we were doing one-on-ones with the women.

Blaque: Sure.

Nyeleti: I could sit and say, “it’s okay to break up with that boy, it really is. Life doesn’t stop. Trust me, I know! It is going to hurt like hell and you gonna cry and it’s crazy. But you gonna wake up the next day and you gonna keep pushing.”

Blaque: That’s good.”

it’s okay to break up with that boy, it really is. Life doesn’t stop.

Nyeleti: And that was for me such a beautiful message to be able to share with someone, because even with my cousins I’m able to tell them, “I’m loved by Jesus, and the fact that I wake up everyday resist the pressure of finding someone because that’s what you think my life should be, I think it’s a beautiful gift.”

Blaque: Sure.

The Sobering Biblical Truth of Singleness

Nyeleti: But what we need to remember in essence is there are people who will be single forever.

Blaque: Sure, people don’t want to hear that but it’s true.

Nyeleti: It is. And I know they do like a lot of statistics: for one guy there’s like three women or something stupid like that.

Blaque: It’s actually five now.

what if I’m not destined to find someone and then what happens?

Nyeleti: You see what I mean? So it is impossible to say or it is impossible for me to sit and to say to the single lady who has been single for maybe longer than me or a shorter period than me that you will find someone. And that I think, is the message God has just literally, had to make me understand over and over again. There will be women and men who will be single until they go back to meet Jesus. But there will be men and women who will be single 10 / 15 / 20 years and find someone. And I think, the fact that we don’t want to talk about singleness in that form is what so sad. Because, we put so much pressure on it, on “you gotta find someone!” But what if I’m not destined to find someone and then what happens?

Blaque: It’s an idolatry of marriage.

Nyeleti: I don’t… I think it’s also just an African thing.

Blaque: Yeah, I was gonna say in the African context we idolise marriage.

Nyeleti: And we, for the wrong reasons. And it’s just such a painful thing. So I think for me God has just worked in a way where I can say to friends at work, I’ve never seen anyone drop dead because of singleness. So the day, I hear it reported. That somebody died because they are single. Then, I’ll make it a top priority to find someone. Until then let’s just live life with Jesus.

Four Words to the Single Woman

Blaque: Amen, I think that’s good. Somebody who’s watching this, a single lady, what would be your final word of encouragement to them?

Nyeleti: I think, first of all, family is amazing but their advice is not necessarily the be end and end all.

opinions of people are exactly that opinions of people. If it has nothing to do with God

Blaque: Yeah, it’s not ultimate.

Nyeleti: It’s okay to disregard their opinions of things. Just like my mom, you pressure me one time and you say no the other time. So opinions of people are exactly that opinions of people. If it has nothing to do with God. Don’t do that.

Number two, there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of relationship experts. Christian, I mean you go to book stores and even in the Christian book store, there’s a whole ray on relationships: How to be single, How to find a man during your singleness, How to stay pure dating with a man, How to get married, How to have kids. And then divorcing as a Christian and that is the same author! Giving you seven different books!

there’s are so many people who are going to throw the book of singleness at you. Be careful what you consume.

Blaque: Gang!

Nyeleti: Just… there’s are so many people who are going to throw the book of singleness at you. Be careful what you consume.

Blaque: Sure, that’s good.

Nyeleti: It’s very important. There are… just be careful what you consume.

Thirdly, I think as someone who works in television, I know how fake certain things are. Don’t idolise someone’s relationship on Instagram. And I think, as single people, that’s what hurts us the most. Cause you like “ooh love lives here, double-tap. Oooh mara like bona they baby, like they just got it all together, double-tap.” And then you start yearning and aching for something that’s not your’s. And it becomes your whole world. Instagram is not real, guys. Filters and fake messages, don’t do that to yourself.

Instagram is not real, guys. Filters and fake messages, don’t do that to yourself

But last, yeah this is the last one, keep rooted in the church. I think what helped me in my singleness or in the journey I’m taking in this singleness whatever, is the church. And the church includes the single ladies, the single brothers. But it also includes; the situationship ladies, ‘we dating but we are not going to define this brothers’ and the ‘we together-together, he just doesn’t know it yet’ couples. And it includes: the we’re engaged, we’re married, we’re about to get a divorce, I’ve lost my husband. That’s your community. And I think, the moment you lose sight of that and you’re focusing on “woe is me, I’m just so single, life is so horrible”, is when you get into things that will ultimately harm you.

Keep rooted in the church

Signing off

Blaque: Sure. Thank for that man! I really appreciate it, hopefully, it was helpful for you guys, part two of our singleness conversation. Again, if you haven’t checked out part one, go check it out. You don’t have to watch them in sequence, you can watch this one first, go check the other one out. But yeah, thank you again, go check all our other content on the website and follow us on all social media and watch all the other podcasts we put out from us, Grace and Peace. Thanks, Nyeleti for joining us.

Nyeleti: You’re welcome, we still doing the single thing!

Blaque: Yeah, the group you’ll follow her, we’re not in charge. Alright cheers.