Friendship is undoubtedly one of the most precious things in life. As Thomas Aquinas once said ‘There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.’ But for most of us, the quest for genuine friendship has been fraught with deep disappointment, heartache and pain. The desire for meaningful friendships is no accident. It’s been built into our make-up by our creator who designed us to be relational like he is. Though we all desire deep connections with others, 20% of adults admit to being desperately lonely. If friendship is such a good thing, why do we find it so difficult? Does the Bible have anything to say about friendship?
The Apostle Paul and His Friendships
By paying close attention to Paul’s friendships, especially his relationship with the Colossian believers, many of these questions are addressed. The apostle Paul was sent by God to take the message of the gospel to the entire known world of his day. He travelled more than 16 000 kilometres, covering most of the Roman empire, including Greece, Turkey and Syria. On his journeys he met all sorts of people who were very different from himself, and yet he was able to form significant relationships with many of them.
Paul’s relationship with the Colossian church began differently to his relationship with other churches in that he was not the one who preached the gospel to them or started their church. Instead, Epaphras, a native of Colossae, heard Paul preach in Ephesus, was converted and then went home to share the good news with other regions. News gets to Paul that many Colossians have turned to Christ and he is overjoyed (Colossians 1:3–5). He decides to write them a letter to encourage them in their faith and to warn them about false teachings that are creeping into the church. As we read his letter, we can’t help but notice the deep affection he has for these Colossian believers who he has never even met. Paul’s approach to friendships has much to teach us about our friendships today.
Paul Knew That His Deepest Friendships Were With Other Believers
Paul understood that his friendship with other Christians was deeper than any friendship with a non-believer could ever be. As mentioned earlier, Paul had never met the Colossian believers, and yet he addresses them intimately as family. He says, ‘To God’s holy people in Colossae, the faithful brothers and sisters in Christ. Grace and peace to you from God our Father.’ (Colossians 1:2) Paul understands that if they share the same Father, God, then the Colossian believers are family, brothers and sisters. When we become believers in Jesus, we are not only brought into relationship with God, we are simultaneously brought into relationship with other believers. There are no friendships in this world that can be closer, more intimate, than our friendships with other Christians.
Start Where God Has Provided
When it comes to friendships, we can often feel like we have to go out and make friends; we have to create connections with others that don’t yet exist. This is a daunting endeavour. Where do we start? But if like Paul we can grasp that we are already connected to other Christians by God’s Spirit then the pressure is off. No longer do we need to force relationships with others, instead we have the freedom simply to discover and enjoy them. In your local church there are numerous friendships waiting to grow.
There are no friendships in this world that can be closer, more intimate, than our friendships with other Christians.
You don’t have to go out and look for friends, instead you need to invest in the friends God has already given you in your church community. So, if you are lonely and are seeking true friendships with others, start by getting to know those in your local church. Attend Sunday church gatherings; attend mid-week life groups or Bible studies. Hang around after the meetings so you have a chance to get to know others and they have a chance to get to know you. In your quest to find good friends, start with those in your local church family.
Paul Was Selfless in His Friendships
When Paul wrote his letter to the Colossians, he was writing to them from prison in Rome. He describes his labours for the Colossians in this way ‘Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake…’ (Colossians 1:24) and as ‘…toil, struggling with all his (God’s) energy…’ (Colossians 1:29). Paul’s relationship with the Colossian church brought him much personal suffering, yet, he was more concerned about their needs than his own predicament.
Paul’s main aim in all his relationships is to help others become more and more like the lord Jesus
We are often so very selfish in our friendships, aren’t we? It’s easy because of what they can offer us. We seek friendships because they bring us happiness, feelings of fulfilment and help us avoid the darkness of loneliness. These are blessings that flow from friendships, but if we pursue friendships purely for these reasons, they will be incredibly selfish. Our friendships will be all about what the other person can do for us, rather than about what we can do for them. Christian friendships shouldn’t be like this. Instead, our friendships should be like Paul’s, driven by a selfless desire to love and serve others.
Mirror the Service of Jesus
The irony in God’s kingdom is that fulfilling relationships don’t come from focusing on ourselves and whether our personal needs are being met. Instead when we take the focus off ourselves and willingly put the needs of others before our own, that’s when we find true happiness. Paul’s selfless approach to relationships follows in the footsteps of Jesus who said ‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.’ (Mark 10:45) Much of our struggles in friendships come down to our own selfishness. Be honest with yourself, why are you seeking friendships with others? Are you motivated by a selfless care for others? Or are you motivated by your own interests, what you can get out of the relationship?
Paul Protected Their Faith
Paul demonstrated his selfless attitude towards the Colossians in that his greatest concern for them was a concern for their spiritual health. He had heard that there were some deceptive teachings floating around in Colossae so he warns them strongly, saying ‘See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental forces of this world rather than on Christ.’ (Colossians 2:8). At the time Paul wrote his letter to the Colossians, around 62 AD, there was a mixture of cultures living together in Colossae. The new Christian belief was mingling with ancient pagan cult ideas and believers were being encouraged to follow cult practices to protect themselves from evil. Paul knows the dangers such teachings present and he is desperately concerned about the Colossians and their faith. He wants to make sure they do not drift from Christ.
Paul Cared About the Spiritual Maturity of Others
More than that, Paul tells us that he has a very clear aim in his relationship with the Colossians. He says that his goal is to ‘…present everyone fully mature in Christ.’(Colossians 1:28). Paul’s main aim in all his relationships is to help others become more and more like the Lord Jesus. What is it that keeps Paul awake at night? It’s the Colossians and his concern for their spiritual maturity. Paul was very intentional in his relationships. He had a clear aim which helped shape how he went about his relationships. Think for a moment about your closest friendships. What is your goal in these friendships? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself that question? Is your goal to help your friends grow in Christ? Or is that not something that’s even on your radar?
Taking Small Steps Towards Godly Friendships
As you consider your own friendships or the ideal friendship you can imagine, does it line up with Paul’s understanding of relationships? We’ve seen that in order to develop meaningful friendships with others, we need to start with those in our local church community. We need to have a selfless attitude and we need to be concerned for the spiritual maturity of others. I suppose, like me, you have a lot of growing to do in these areas. Let’s take our failures to the foot of the cross and ask God to give us a love for his people and selfless hearts. That we will be more concerned about their spiritual good than our own benefit.
