Nearly four years ago, I tried to attempt suicide. It was the second time. My first attempt was in high school. I was being bullied by a girl who’d taken one of my off-hand comments personally. For three years, she’d gone out of her way to marginalise, hurt, and demean me. Whether it was my academics or my body, she was unrelenting. Over time, I internalised her words. And I began to think something was really wrong with me.
It was peaceful, for a time.
Though I wasn’t believing in God at the time, in my lowest season of high school one of my teachers started an all-religions prayer group. I needed a place to run. To hide. For those three years that group was my solace; and slowly the Father’s open arms became my greatest comfort. I felt embraced by God; loved by a community. I had a safe place, to belong and be, a place where my bully had no power. It was peaceful, for a time.
Suicide Seemed the Best Solution
Fast forward a few years, and I’ve given my life to the Lord. I love Jesus. I’m active in my local church, doing things that made me forget my depression. For a while things were okay. But then they weren’t. A lot of my struggles can be traced back to extremely toxic employees. Help wasn’t forthcoming in the workplace. In fact, when I was vocal and sought out help things only got worse. I prayed and fasted. I cried out to God. But he seemed distant, far from me and my problems. I felt so agonisingly alone.
God seemed distant, far from me and my problems. I felt so agonisingly alone.
Turning 30 I decided life wasn’t worth living anymore. No one seemed able to help, from family to friends, colleagues to God. The solution to my problems appeared obvious. I’d planned it all out, times and method, where it would happen and what I was going to leave behind in writing. I actually believed it wasn’t desperation but the best possible way out. But God intervened.
A Miraculous Intervention
On the planned day my brother called to wish me a happy birthday, even though my birthday was days away. We spoke for less than a minute. But as I put the phone down I dialled SADAG (the South African Depression and Anxiety Group). So there I was, at 9pm talking to a complete stranger about wanting to end my life.
I tried to search within for the answers when it was God who held all the answers.
I want to say to you that everything was amazing after, that God showed up, and so everything went smoothly from there on end, but the truth is that was just the beginning of a long journey. My mother reminded me of the words of my favourite Psalm: “I lift up my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalms 121:1-2). I was looking inward for help with my depression when I should have been looking outward. I tried to search within for the answers when it was God who held all the answers.
Today, I can say that God showed up for me at my lowest, not by speaking to me in an audible voice but by opening my eyes to the people who surrounded me, plus admitting that therapy is a tool created by him to help us navigate things we can’t navigate on our own. I was blessed to be surrounded by people who made it okay for me to talk about my struggle while also reminding me of the ever-present help of the Lord.
God Isn’t Far Away or Indifferent
During the really dark time, my mom would remind me of Psalm 121. The first Psalm I memorised. It has helped me weather many a storm. “He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel, will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:3-4). These words gave new meaning to my understanding of who God is and all the things he does for us.
Don’t let the darkness consume you; don’t make the mistake of thinking there’s nothing else to be done.
I still struggle. There are still days when it feels like the world is too heavy. Then I also have really good days. I’m still surrounded by family, friends, and the church who pray with me and for me. If you are where I was, remember this: help is only a phone call away. Don’t let the darkness consume you; don’t make the mistake of thinking there’s nothing else to be done. There is so much more ahead.
Reach Up, Reach Out
My parting words also come from Psalm 121. “The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore” (Psalm 121:7-8). Trust in the Lord to be with you in the darkness, amid the doubts and despair. Navigate the way forward with him, not away from him. Let God walk with you.
Trust in the Lord to be with you in the darkness, amid the doubts and despair.
Furthermore, give your family, friends, and church members the space to embrace you in your depression. I know it feels lonely, but you aren’t alone. Well, you needn’t be. Allow yourself to be loved and cared for. Being surrounded by community and being honest with the people who embrace you in the mess, makes the journey out of depression a little bit easier.
Finally, there are also resources, places and people who have experience with treating depression and thoughts of suicide. There’s no shame in asking for professional help.
