From Lagos to Nairobi, Cape Town to Addis Ababa, the pattern is the same: more couples move in together before marriage than get married first. Yet Genesis 2:24 and Jesus’ own words in Matthew 19 clearly say: leave, cleave, become one flesh. The world has reversed the sequence, and many people who profess faith in Christ have quietly followed, deciding to move in together before their white wedding ‘I do’ or completing the process of lobola. In this becoming normative for many, we aren’t just losing a cultural debate. We are losing sight of God’s plan for human flourishing.
In urban South Africa, six in ten young adults cohabit before marriage. In Kenya, “come-we-stay” marriages are fast becoming the most common approach.
Couples expect our churches to embrace this culture-endorsed approach.
And as I mentioned in my last article, these couples then arrive at our churches and expect the church to embrace their culture-endorsed approach. It’s a clash between an increasingly normalised secular worldview and the Church’s millennia-long held, as well as biblical, position.
In many ways, this is unsurprising. For this approach is being fed to us in every series and movie that we watch. It’s been so pervasive that this now feels true to many people. In contrast, the historical and biblical Christian take is considered backward and old-fashioned. If this is a cultural war, the church is ceding ground rapidly.
How the Church Can Reverse This Trend
If we hold to the view that God knew what he was doing when he designed marriage in Genesis 2 and reaffirmed this when his Son walked the Earth, then we need to present a stronger apologetic to counter this dramatic shift. People need to be given a more compelling vision as to why approaching it the biblical way is worth it.
In practice, this means articulating:
- Why God’s design is better than cohabitation
- Many of the unseen or unthought-through issues with cohabitation.
People need a more compelling vision as to why approaching marriage the biblical way is worth it.
My concern is the current approach taken by many churches simply demands that couples ‘follow the Bible.’ But to win people round, we need to articulate the ‘why’ as well as the ‘what.’ People are more likely to connect emotionally with an idea if they can see that it makes sense, rather than simply understand what is expected.
And the ‘why’ is at the heart of the marriage/cohabitation issue. If you merely give the ‘what,’ all that people hear is the daunting ask to commit your whole life, body, and finances to one person, all at once. In contrast, cohabitation, with its softly-softly approach, feels easier and less risky. But God’s design really is his best option for us—and, ultimately, the lowest risk.
To sway people this way we have to present good counter-arguments. And we have them. However, we need to articulate them better than we’re currently doing.
Does God Really Know Best? Is Jesus Lord?
Given that marriage is designed by God, we should ask those who profess belief if they trust that God knows better than our culture or society. Does God know what’s best? I believe a lot of people decide to move in together because they ultimately haven’t yet learnt to trust God and the authority of his word to guide them in their lives and practice. They enjoy Jesus as their saviour. But Jesus as Lord is more foreign to them.
A lot of people decide to move in together because they haven’t learnt to trust God.
A gospel issue is at stake here, because Paul said in Romans 10:19, “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Note that it isn’t ‘confess with your heart that Jesus is saviour.’ It’s Jesus as Lord. Jesus is Lord. In fact, the New Testament refers to Jesus as “Lord” over 700 times, compared to 16 times as “saviour.” This is significant. We need to resist the temptation to affirm people in their faith because they refer to Jesus as their saviour. He’s more than a saviour? He’s our Lord. Have you submitted all of your life under that lordship?
One outcome of understanding lordship is that people will commit to his ways when they get into romantic relationships. “If you love me, you will keep my commands” (John 14:15).
Ask the Difficult Questions
My recommendation is that if you speak with couples who are living together and want to be part of your church, explore what their understanding is of the lordship of Jesus.
Some may have all the right Christian language but have they chosen to submit their life to his ways? Some may even say that they have, but then you can ask why they chose to take a vastly different approach than the pattern laid out in the Bible. Let the question linger. Don’t fill in the awkward pause. Give the Spirit room to convict. Silence can be more powerful than another argument here. The goal shouldn’t be to shame couples. The goal is to shepherd them into the joy and freedom of living under Christ’s lordship.
Shepherd them into the freedom of living under Christ’s lordship.
Maybe it will drive them to look at exactly what the Bible says on the topic. Excellent. They are moving closer to allowing the Bible to order their beliefs and practices. Maybe they will realise that they received a saviour-only gospel; that they didn’t realise how high the cost is of following Jesus. This is also great. For it enables couples to explore the gospel in a fuller way and work out what their response needs to be.
Point to the Problems of Cohabitation
Even if couples realise that their practice of cohabiting conflicts with the discipleship requirement to place Jesus as lord, they might also need to understand why cohabitation is so problematic. I outlined a number of reasons in my previous article and showed that the data backs this up. But it’s helpful to be able to articulate, as an apologetic, why God’s way is actually best. How well these answers land will depend on the couple’s initial motives for moving in together.
Cohabitation is creating a far more fractured society than in any previous generation.
If it was because it seemed the common thing to do, then it’s worth explaining how modern a concept this is, and that it’s creating a far more fractured society than in any previous generations. The reason behind this is that people who form families as a ‘let’s give it a try’ approach are far more likely to break up and move on when it doesn’t seem to be working out. This creates heartache for children who feel the lack of stability this set-up creates, with long periods of their lives with limited input from at least one parent and often finding themselves straddling two different blended families.
Call People to Faith—and Away From Fear
Sometimes people move in together out of fear. One partner may threaten to pull away, and so out of fear of losing the person the other agrees to ‘progress’ their relationship by moving in. Gender roles are often at play here: men typically see the opportunity this presents for increased sexual activity, whereas women see this as a chance for more security and stability. But if the motivation here is fear of losing a partner, then that’s not a good foundation for a relationship.
Fear isn’t what God has for us. Fear doesn’t bring stability.
The counter to this is that fear is not what God has for us. Fear doesn’t actually bring stability. All moving-in together out of fear does is increase the potential for loss if the couple breaks up. Fear still remains. And if the couple claims to be believers, they have the added complication of an increased sense of guilt at being intimate outside of a covenantal commitment.
While the biblical alternative could also induce fear, once the couple have made the leap, there are so many benefits in having expressed their life-long commitment before friends and God that will mitigate the initial apprehensions. The covenant of marriage and the commitment it represents is designed to create a place of security and freedom from fear, because the love is modelled on Christ’s sacrificial love for his church (Ephesians 5:22-33). And there is also the freedom from guilt. Instead, within marriage, God gives his hearty approval of sexual intimacy. That’s how he designed it. Cohabitation promises intimacy without covenant, but only covenant creates the safety where true intimacy can grow, without guilt.
Tell the Better Story, God’s Story
Given the rapid and widening acceptance of cohabitation in many societies across the world, it’s going to be a challenge for pastors and church leaders to gracefully hold the biblical line. We need to remember that if we only address cohabitation when couples come seeking marriage counselling, we’re too late. Churches need to shape a biblical vision of love, sex, and covenant long before people are dating—in youth groups, in premarital classes and from the pulpit.
Churches need to shape a biblical vision of love, sex, and covenant long before people are dating.
But there is hope. We need to remember that the gospel doesn’t just forgive any past sexual sin; it restores a vision for marriage itself. Every Sunday, we have the privilege of putting on display a different story: men and women who trust Christ enough to marry before they move in, and who believe his lordship is good news, not a burden.
When we live this out faithfully and speak of it winsomely, the continent will notice. The tide turned once. By God’s grace, it can turn back. In an age of ‘come-we-stay,’ may the church boldly display the joy of ’till death do us part.’ “Let marriage be held in honour among all” (Hebrews 13:4).
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