I am forever grateful to God for the gift of parents. Mine did their best to love and care for us, their children. As a family, we had our good times. And we had the inevitable bad times. Challenges too. Most families go through different seasons in life. Difficult seasons. My parents weren’t perfect. Yet they were responsible. They instilled good values in us, taking us to church and teaching us to respect the elderly. I have many fond memories of my parents to date. However, in this article I want to focus mainly on the challenging relationship I had with my father.
I Loved Him, But I Also Hated Him
We were very close when I was young. I resembled my father in numerous ways, from mannerisms to character, and even physique. This made me to be daddy’s girl. When I fell asleep at night, he would lift me up from the couch and carry me to bed. Sometimes I’d pretend to be asleep, so that he’d do this. We cuddled and had tender chats. In other instances he would act as my protector, particularly in addressing my fears. Once at creche a man came to do a skit, which was mostly fun but also a little scary. When my dad came home from work I shared this with him. After listening attentively, he set out to find that man and tell him what he did was wrong. My dad was on my side. I knew that.
Fights robbed our home of much peace and joy, resulting in many tears and much sadness.
Ironically, I had a love and hate relationship with my dad. That may sound confusing after what I have just said about him, but it’s the truth. My parents quarrelled, seemingly daily. This never ended physically, but the heated arguments were vicious. It made being in the home unpleasant, even ugly. These fights robbed our home of much peace and joy, resulting in many tears and much sadness.
Though these fights weren’t a permanent fixture in our home, they were frequent. Frequent enough that I started to hate my dad for them. In my eyes, he ceased being my protector or hero. Worse than finding it impossible to respect him in these seasons of hostility, I wished him dead. I figured that if one of my parents were gone the fighting would leave with them. Furthermore, I vowed that—if this is what marriage was—I didn’t want it in my own life.
God Began a Good Work in My Life
At 12 years old, I went to boarding school. Emotionally, I was a mess. But being away from home gave me an opportunity to pray regularly for peace in my family. I started attending the Student Christian Movement, which became a church away from home. However, something was different about this fellowship, particularly the preaching. I think, for the first time, I heard the gospel. And I distinctly remember one message, preached on Isaiah 64:6. The prophet says, “We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.”
The Lord started a transformative work, which unknowingly he would use to restore the ruined relationship I had with my father.
Only, the sermon didn’t end in judgment. Nor moralism. The preacher didn’t rub our faces in our own sin and guilt. Instead he turned to John 3:16, inviting us to receive the love of God. This would become the most significant turning point in my entire life. The Lord had started a transformative work in me, which unknowingly he would use to restore the ruined relationship I had with my father. That was the turning point in my life, but the change would take years.
I Didn’t Honour My Father
While at university, I attended a friend’s 21st party. He was a Christian guy, whom I served with on the Student Christian Committee. It was a beautiful outdoor event. We were singing, dancing, praying, and enjoying good fellowship. But before the time to eat dinner arrived, someone got up to preach. He turned our attention to Ephesians 6:1-3, “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. Honour your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honour your father and mother, things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”
I didn’t believe my father was even remotely deserving of respect.
They were strikingly familiar words. I’d heard them before, not from Ephesians but in the 5th commandment (Exodus 20:12). My parents had taught those to me when I was a child. I knew them from Sunday School too. But where I stood at that point in my life, they were mere words. I still hated my father. I didn’t believe he was even remotely deserving of respect.
The preacher pointed out that this command wasn’t conditional. Rather, our parents deserve our respect no matter if they are Christians or not. That really hit home. And I repented to God. The sermon was short, but it turned my life upside down. I don’t think I was alone. Others could be heard crying, even weeping openly. So many of us have challenging relationships with our parents. Despite the tears, God was evidently working at that party.
Grace-Fuelled Repentance and Reconciliation
Shortly after that party I went home for the university holidays. Though I’d known and experienced God’s forgiveness for years and enjoyed peace with him, God had identified an area in my life that his grace hadn’t transformed: my relationship with my father. Returning home I was convicted that I had to live out my faith. So I prayed, and had others intercede for me. God was going to have to help me. And he did. When I saw my dad, things were different. My heart was softened. The hatred disappeared. I no longer wished him dead. In fact, I desired to obey him in the same way that I did my mother.
God was going to have to help me. And he did.
Only God didn’t stop there. The compassion and love I now felt for my parents drove me to my knees. I began to pray fervently for their conversions; that God would work salvation in their lives. Coupled with this, God gave me the boldness to share the gospel with them. The Lord worked. With time, both my parents became Christians. Although they’re both dead now, I rejoice in the knowledge that they’re with God. Despite all the challenges we had, perhaps because of them, they saw their need to be reconciled not only with me but with God. So we’ll see each other again, with many more tears. Happy tears.
Entrust the Hard Relationships to God
Having said all this, I don’t know what your relationship with your dad or mom is like. We live in a fallen world. Life rarely goes as planned let alone desired. Maybe you want nothing to do with your parents. That was true of me. But, hard as it may be, our parents deserve our respect. God commands it (Ephesians 6:1-3). So, pray intentionally for God to soften and heal your heart by his Holy Spirit. Ask him to work reconciliation in your relationship. If they aren’t believers, pray for their salvation. These are some of the most fundamental ways to honour them. You don’t have to do it alone. Involve your Christian family.
Never underestimate the power of prayer.
Finally, ask God to give you both boldness and humility to share the gospel of grace, in a loving manner. But don’t share it if you can’t model it. In the end, perhaps it will be someone else who moves them to understanding the gospel. Furthermore, it’s only God who can truly transform hearts. He must do this for you, not only for them. And as he does this for you, demonstrate it to them. In all of this, never underestimate the power of prayer.
