When I was new in the faith, I had to make a very difficult decision. I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she wasn’t a follower of Jesus Christ. I delayed making the decision. The relationship wasn’t healthy for my newfound faith. I knew I wasn’t honouring God. After all, he explicitly warns against being “unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). I wrestled with this truth, ignoring 2 Corinthians 6:14. So I resisted submitting to Christ as Lord in this area of my life.
I’m going to explore the reasons Christians willingly date unbelievers, despite knowing the dangers.
Some argue that 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 isn’t about romantic relationships or marriage. Therefore, they conclude, it isn’t relevant to the matter of whether Christians should date an unbeliever. But I am persuaded it’s relevant. My aim in this article isn’t to make a case for 2 Corinthians 6:14. Rather I’m going to explore some of the reasons why Christians willingly date unbelievers, despite knowing the dangers it poses to their faith and the faith of any children they might have.
1. New to the Faith?
As a new believer, I was still coming to terms with the demands of carrying my cross and joyfully submitting every area of my life to the kingship of Christ. One area that I chose to keep my Lord out of was dating.
They’re still coming to terms with the call to die to self.
Likewise, one of the reasons many Christians date unbelievers is because they’re still coming to terms with the call to die to self and to carry their cross. Those who’re young in the faith find it hard to let go of the memories and the emotional attachments that have developed over time with their unbelieving boyfriend or girlfriend.
However, it isn’t only new believers who decide to date unbelievers, but also mature Christians.
2. Mature but Struggling With Discontentment?
Growing believers who have been exposed to the gospel for years also date unbelievers. I think one of the reasons for this is discontentment. Nearly all of us have witnessed our brothers and sisters in Christ tie the knot. But as we see that, we can start to wonder: is it going to happen for me? That wondering can lead to us questioning God’s goodness or timing. It might move us to wrestle with his will. And this sort of wrestling isn’t bad, especially when it ends in prayer. But it can also become a snare.
Perceived scarcity might gradually draw you to date an unbeliever.
It can seem like the pool of eligible Christian spouses is shrinking. Disappearing. That perceived scarcity might gradually draw you to date an unbeliever—you know, that person who always shows interest when it feels like none of the Christians do. Next we convince ourselves that those people might not have the Spirit, but they appear to bear some of his fruit. At our most desperate we might settle for, “he’s not a terrible person,” at the very least.
This struggle with contentment is closely linked with another reason believers date unbelievers: security.
3. Searching for Security?
The desire for security in dating manifests in various ways, but perhaps particularly in money and looks. Christians are called to hold on loosely to the riches of this world and to value inward godliness over outward beauty (1 Timothy 6:17; 1 Peter 3:3-6). Unfortunately, over time, we can start to shun believing men and women who don’t look like a cover model or take home large salaries. We happily date an unbeliever because of their bank account or broad shoulders, their figure or salary figures.
This brings us to one last reason Christians will date unbelievers: the foolish notion of missionary dating.
4. Flirt to Convert?
We know that any decision to follow Christ is a result of the Spirit’s regenerating work. But when it comes to dating unbelievers, we can sometimes forget “that which is born of flesh is flesh, and that which is born of Spirit is spirit” (John 3:6). In other words, we can persist in dating a non-Christian because we have assumed the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives. We might even bring our unbelieving partner to church as a way to legitimise the relationship, despite the knowledge that we’re dating on our terms and further searing our consciences.
A Word of Grace
You might currently be in a relationship with a non-Christian and have felt unsettled by this article. If that’s you, I’d like to remind you of the following three things:
- You aren’t under God’s condemnation but his displeasure. He might already be disciplining you (Hebrews 12:3-11). Therefore, “do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord” (Hebrews 12:5-6). As God corrects, remember that “nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). So, God still loves you. He doesn’t condemn you, for you believe in Christ (Romans 8:1).
- Repent and carry your cross by breaking up with your unbelieving boyfriend or girlfriend and turn to Christ for forgiveness because we cannot “continue in sin that grace may abound” (Romans 6:1).
- “Remember the love you had at first” (Revelation 2:5); the One who died for you (Revelation 1:5).
Let’s not elevate marriage or look down on singleness.
As the body of believers, may we strive to practically love our single brothers and sisters in Christ by not elevating marriage or looking down on singleness. Let’s intentionally pray that our single brothers and sisters in Christ don’t give in to the aforementioned reasons. Let’s gently speak the truth in love.
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