Ever hear how annoying a car beep’s persistence is? You know, the one that reminds you to put your seat belt on. It’s designed to be that way, so the listener follows the instruction to stop the sound. At least that’s the only reason I can think of for making it so annoying. But I’m really good at ignoring the sound. In fact, I’ve ignored it so often that it’s faded into the background; I barely hear it anymore. You’d think this is a difficult thing to do if we ignore how rebellious the mind can be.
Recognising and reflecting on my wilful refusal to hear the seatbelt beep, I started to make comparisons. It became an uncomfortable reminder, highlighting something all of us do: push God’s voice, his word, to the background. In my experience, this was particularly true when it came to dating, which is why I made such a mess of it. So here’s my story.
I Made a Mess of Dating
As a young Christian, I thought I was mature enough to know not to date someone who doesn’t share your beliefs. I knew better, and I prayed that I’d date someone “equally yoked,” someone with whom I could share my faith. Happily, I did just that. I met a wonderful Christian man. We could ‘talk Jesus’ and entertain ideas about marriage. However, concerning basically everything else about the relationship, we left little room for God.
We left little room for God.
It isn’t that we outright rejected him. Partly, it’s that I didn’t, that we didn’t, know how to let God lead. We were more than happy to date as the world did, as long as we acknowledged Jesus as part of our lives in some way. We convinced ourselves that that was enough. Eventually, we had almost no boundaries, which we conveniently covered up with the neat little excuse: “we’ll get married anyway.” All this while, we were muzzling the voice of God; ignoring the beeping warning of his word (sin leads to death).
After ignoring that beeping long enough, we didn’t even feel uncomfortable with our sin; furthermore, we didn’t even call it sin. Sure, we were a little ignorant. But we also just lied to ourselves outright. To be frank, we chose the flesh over our Lord. We preferred the lukewarm Christian life, which is far more serious than it sounds (Revelation 3:14-17). None of this was initially intentional. Simultaneously, however, we weren’t intentionally dating ‘for Christ’ either.
So, how do Christian couples date?
How Should Christians Date?
For starters, we must acknowledge that Christians are influenced by the same factor that the world is: sin. Dating among Christians shouldn’t take its shape from being opposed to the world, but being directed by God’s word. We must learn to walk this journey in a godly way.
When does foolishness become reckless and sinful?
Obviously, there shouldn’t be sex before marriage (Hebrews 13:4). But not everything is this clear, cut and dry. Like, how do we pursue a romantic relationship by putting someone before God? Or when does foolishness become reckless and sinful? Paul writes, “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts” (2 Timothy 2:22). But how exactly does it look like to run?
Years later, by God’s grace, we continued to grow in our faith. Then, his word spoke life into our sinfulness. Well, we decided to listen and make a decision: repent or choose a different path entirely; throw ourselves before the mercy of God or reject that mercy and God himself. Thankfully, God was gracious. We repented.
‘Why’ Is a Better Question Than ‘How’
Below, I’ll offer some guidance for those considering dating. Bear in mind that these are given with hindsight, not from someone who got it right. But before we get to the guidelines, it’s important to consider the motivation behind dating differently. The kind of dating that glorifies God instead of gorging itself on sin. Below is the ‘how’, but here are some all-important ‘whys ‘.
It’s important to consider the Christian’s motivation for dating differently.
Everyone knows it’s difficult to stay motivated when you don’t know why you’re doing it. Like the rest of our Christian lives, this must be more than merely following the rules. As those who call ourselves Christians, who follow after Jesus, we must recognise that in saving us from sin, he sets us free for new life in him. This life isn’t our own. We’re no longer little lords ruling over ourselves, because we’ve come under the lordship of our gracious God. Therefore, we must embrace this new identity.
Building on that, here are three reasons why Christians ought to date differently:
- Christians ought to honour Christ with their lives (Colossians 3:17)
- We must make God the Lord over every part of our lives, including relationships (1 Peter 3:15; Proverbs 3:5-6)
- In his word, God repeatedly exhorts his people to stand apart from the world (John 17:16; Romans 12:1-2; 1 John 2:15-17)
- Sexual intimacy is valuable, beautiful, and purposefully set apart for marriage (Mark 10:6-9).
Now for the ‘how,’ not forgetting the above.
Some Advice, Anchored in the ‘Why’
You might want to think about dating like a close friendship. It’s also getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage. But until you’re married, you’re friends, however close. Critical for this is belonging to a strong Christian community and making discipleship an important part of your life. Make yourself accountable to someone. Ask an older married Christian (or couple) to walk the journey with you. Be transparent about your struggles.
Very practically, avoid being alone in private areas. Draw clear boundaries at the start, which rule out ambiguities and loopholes. I would have greatly benefited from those.
Sex isn’t the way to get closer to each other; Christ is.
Then, make a conscious decision to grow in your relationship with Christ, both together and individually. Draw closer to each other, as you draw closer to the Lord. Don’t be fooled: sex isn’t the way to get closer to each other; Christ is. He teaches us how to truly love one another, both as brothers and sisters in Christ and in marriage (John 13:34; Ephesians 5:25).
Usually, the older we are, the more unreasonable these methods of ‘running’ from temptation appear. In fact, the world calls these standards unrealistic and impractical, probably even childish. It’s then that we must remember the ‘why.’ It doesn’t matter how the world sees our dating. It’s far more important that we date in a way that pleases the Lord.
Distinct for God’s Glory
If we profess Christ as Lord, we cannot remain unchanged. If we’ve believed the gospel, we must pursue obedience to God. Let us be intentional in our walk with Christ; and yes, in our dating too. God has given us the Spirit and the word; listen to them. In doing so, we can turn from gratifying the flesh to glorifying our Saviour. This doesn’t happen magically. It requires effort, prayer and community; at times it will also demand repentance. You’ll need a plan to avoid the chaos that dating can often result in.
Keep your lamp burning. Seek first his kingdom. And let nothing be above King Jesus in your life.
