I was very excited as I sent him a voice note, telling him about the milestone I’d achieved. As always, I expected “happy for you babe.” This particular day, however, was different. He wanted us to talk, and not on the phone but in person. I sensed something was wrong. But I kind of guessed maybe it’s because he’d been going through a rough patch. We planned to meet up. So I showered, dressed up and went to meet him. My dear boyfriend looked like he’d lost weight overnight. He was anxious, uneasy. I’d never seen him like that. We sat for a meal, but I could sense the storm that was about to break.
My finger was ready for the weight of a ring.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I heard from lips that had only yesterday called me “babe.” “My heart is drifting,” he said. Silence. My heart was pounding. Drifting into what? From what? My mind went into overdrive. I thought to myself, ‘maybe it’s into sin or unbelief.’ But he continued, breaking the silence and interrupting my thoughts. “My heart is drifting towards someone else.” I think my heart stopped beating for few seconds. Wait! What? No. Surely I heard wrong.
The Unexpected Worst
Up to that point, we’d been in a serious relationship for some six months. We were anticipating to walk down the aisle within the year. My finger was ready for the weight of a ring. I’d told my mum about him. This was the first guy I told my mum about. He’d told his parents about me too. I mean this was heading somewhere. And this was my first Christian relationship. So, hello! It had to be leading to marriage, right?
I begged God to ease my pain and take it away.
I was in complete shock. I couldn’t even cry. This was the last thing I expected to hear. He had asked for a break previously. Was that a sign from God? I had prayed and sought counsel, you know, the works. My friends liked him. What could go wrong? When I got home I didn’t just cry. I wailed. I cried so much. My friends cried with me. They ministered to me too, on calls and by texts. They showed up fast, meeting me in my grief. It was the toughest month in a while.
I remember waking up the following morning with deep emotional pain. As someone once said, ‘pain demands attention.’ And it had all of mine. Tears freely flowed for many days after that. I begged God to ease my pain and take it away. To add insult to injury, I lost my job two weeks later. I didn’t know which grief to focus on first. They were tough times. I wrote to help myself deal with the season. But, in this piece, I hope to show how I dealt with the aftermath of an unexpected break-up. It’s my prayer that this might help others when, in the Lord’s providence, a dating relationship ends.
Dealing With the Aftermath and Heartache, Practically
Grieve that loss with humility, honesty, and hope.
I have tasted the pain of that road. To start, I would say, please, grieve that loss with humility, honesty, and hope. Jesus, the man of sorrows (Isaiah 53:3), understands your pain deeper than anyone ever could. Look to him. He can heal you. Process your pain thoroughly with God, in prayer. Ask for help. Please, shout for it. Reach out for support. Don’t let yourself drown, when there are willing hands that could pull you out of the water.
Here are a few, very practical, points. Things you can do right now:
- Pray the Bible. I prayed through Psalms of lament (see Psalms 13; 77; and 88). Lamentations 3 also became dear to me
- Cry, shed tears and voice your own lamentations (Psalm 61:1; 18:6)
- Journal through the break-up. I did until I felt and saw glimpses of hope
- Invite people to care for you. Ask for help. God truly blessed this endeavour in my experience (Galatians 6:2)
- Listen to sermons and podcasts. Read books and articles, especially those connected with what you’re going through
- Don’t give up fellowshipping with God’s people (Hebrews 10:24-25), regardless of how empty you feel
- Seek godly wisdom and mature counsel (Proverbs 11:14)
- Repent because, perhaps like me, you’d idolised the relationship and marriage (Psalm 139:23-24).
Life Beyond the Break-up
I am writing as one who has tasted the deep and sweet restoration of our Lord.
I am writing as one who has tasted the deep and sweet restoration of our Lord. I am writing as one whom the Lord has been so kind to; as one healed and continuously being healed by my Saviour in ways I couldn’t have imagined (Psalm 34:18). My break-up experience humbled me. It moved me to trust God, and hold my relationships a little more loosely. Especially because dating is prayerfully considering marriage. It was Corrie ten Boom who once said that we ought to hold all things loosely in our hands, so that it might not hurt when God pries them open.
Did my relationship fail? No, it fully accomplished its purpose. It wasn’t God’s will for us to get married. But he put us through that to mould our hearts. This was all for my good.
I read a poem by Paige Benton Brown. The words completely washed over me: “Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than He was on that monumental Friday afternoon when He hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of His disposition but the essence of His person—not an attitude but an attribute.”
To God Be the Glory
A break-up knocked on my door. I never thought it would happen to me. Who dates to break up? Even so, the Lord used that season to refine my faith and grow me. He is a surgeon, not an executioner. He knows exactly where to cut me open and how to bind up the wounds. In the end, he’ll make me look just like him. Like his Son. You can trust him, however unexpected and unsettling the change. He can use the heartbreak for your good and his glory (Romans 8:28).
