God’s Faithfulness in My Unfulfilled Dreams // Lilly Million

I am a musician. Obviously, like anyone entering the art space or the music space, I had huge dreams. I still do! I had huge dreams of what I wanted to do – what I wanted to be! And I think again, just coupled with the poor teaching I’d had about Christianity, I thought that it was owed to me. That because I am a Christian. Because I am this good person. Because I have given my life to the Lord, He is going to bless me with all these things.

My dreams were not fulfilled

It was just a convoluted mess of how I viewed myself. Just a sense of entitlement! But I remember, probably about five, six, seven years into it, things were not… they hadn’t taken off as well as I had hoped they would. So yes, I was performing. Yes, I was gigging. I had a bit of a name out there. But it wasn’t at the level I thought it would be in terms of how big my dreams actually were. And I fell into what I think might have been a severe depression. Probably for about a year and a half.

I felt like I had given everything to this career. Everything to this dream.

Why is it not happening?!

It took me a while to realise what it was. At a certain point I realised I was just so frustrated because I felt like I had given everything to this career. Everything to this dream. Everything to this idea of what I was supposed to become. And it wasn’t happening! I cried, “God! Why is it not happening?!”

Worshiping work

I remember a friend of mine was getting married – friends of mine were getting married. And obviously it’s a wedding. You don’t receive the invitation two days before. So, I knew for months that this was the date of the wedding. However, on the day of the wedding I had gotten a gig. An opportunity to perform. I think that gig came through probably the week before. And it wasn’t even a second thought. I left that wedding, I think, just after they did the vows. I didn’t stay for the celebrations and it didn’t even affect me! For me it was “there is an audience – I have to perform. I have to be seen. This has to happen.” I mean, I would not show up to birthday parties. To important events in people’s lives, whom I loved! My family. I wouldn’t see them even though they lived less than 30km from my house.

this gift that God had given me, instead of me using it to serve, I was serving it

Eventually I realised, as I was in this sort of darkness that, my goodness! I’d begun to idolise my career. I’d begun to idolise this dream of mine to become this, you know, amazing music sensation. That this gift that God had given me, instead of me using it to serve, I was serving it. You know, even in place of God.

God’ faithfulness in my weakness

It was hard to realise and accept that I was actually idolising my career. It was hard to accept that I was in the wrong. Because for so long I had seen God as someone who had betrayed me because He didn’t make this thing happen! I realised that it was just an area of sin in my life that the Lord needed to deal with. And that’s probably why things hadn’t gone the way I had dreamt that they would.

It was hard to realise and accept that I was actually idolising my career. It was hard to accept that I was in the wrong.

The right kind of dreams

So obviously we all have dreams. We have goals. We have ambitions and we all have a vision for what we want our lives to be. You know, you fill in the blank of what that is. But I think if there is one thing I would encourage anyone out there sitting with that to remember is this. That our dreams are not God. At the end of the day I think if our hearts are really wanting to glorify God, wanting his desires to become our desires, then it does become OK when the things that we thought we wanted, we realise we don’t want anymore. Or, if we don’t actually get them. We find fulfilment in Him at the end of the day.

That’s ultimately what the message is. Finding our identity in Christ and not in the things of this world. So in as much as it’s hard – my advice would just be to take those dreams to Him. And trust Him with where our lives are going.

Lilly Million is a singer, songwriter and acoustic guitarist. Lilly is a videographer and editor and is the Creative Director of City Gate Recording, a company she runs with her husband Blaque Nubon.