“So I remember the year was 2016 and I’d just found out that I was pregnant. Obviously you’re excited! And I’m just like “ah, you know, healthy pregnancy” and I remember going for a jog and I came back from the jog and I was bleeding! And of course if you’re pregnant and you’re bleeding it’s just like, “what is happening!?” You obviously think of the worst. And at that time it was still very early. I didn’t have a midwife or anything. And I remember calling a midwife and I’m just like in panic mode.
I Had to Let Go
I can tell you that since then, every few weeks, every time I was just stricken with fear that I’m gonna be losing the baby. And I think that’s when it clicked that I’m actually not in control of what’s happening in my body. I’m not in control. I have never prayed so much in my life before. And it was hard for me because I’m such a control freak. I think for me the fact that I couldn’t control… do you know what I mean? You can read as many books as you want, you can do as much as you want, but the fact of the matter was God is in control. And I just told myself “if I’m going to carry this baby it will all be God’s doing.”
It clicked that I’m actually not in control of what’s happening in my body. I’m not in control.
Fast forward later. I have a baby. You are still terrified to some extent coz you fear will this baby be healthy? And a year later I remember fainting. Collapsing on the floor and being rushed to hospital and getting the news that basically I had miscarried. And I had had an ectopic pregnancy. Now this is a different pregnancy, we were pregnant again.
Grieving and Disappointed
I think when something like that happens you ask God a lot of questions. You ask God “why? I don’t understand!” And I think there is temptation, which is fair, when you mourn, when you are sad, and when you are grieving to almost be very disappointed with God. To some extent you don’t trust God.
Learning that God is in Control
And I can really say that in that moment it was all by God’s grace that I think that situation came about. It helped me understand that God is sovereign. And I don’t say that with ease. It didn’t come… I didn’t just wake up one night and I was just like “Oh God is sovereign.” But, in all of that I think it helped me understand that God is in control – whether good, whether bad happens. And for me the biggest grace was that even after that I was still able to praise God.
Living in a Fallen World
It’s such a reminder that we live in a fallen world. We live in a sinful world. We are gonna lose people. People are going to die. But it’s in those moments, it’s those trials, I think, that can shake your faith. And for some of us it takes a while to get out of that rut. But I just remember thinking, “sjoe! God, you are sovereign, you are great. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why I had to go through what it is that I went through! But I know that to some extent you are trying to work through me. I’m trying to grow in some way.”
For me to kneel on my knees and say “God I need you!” And for me to actually accept the fact that I am weak is such a difficult thing to do.
Struggling to Trust God
For the longest time I have really struggled with prayer. I really struggle with prayer because… because I want to be in control! So for me to kneel on my knees and say “God I need you!” For me to actually accept the fact that I am weak is such a difficult thing to do. And I realised in the midst of that happening that I think you can be really crippled with fear and everything scares you. And you can then not trust God.
Whether I lose the baby, whether the baby carries to full term, I need to still praise God in the midst of that.
Now that I am pregnant again, beginning of the pregnancy, its… even after I’ve gone through everything I have, I remember thinking “Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant again, what am I gonna do? Is this pregnancy also gonna carry on?” And I had to remind myself! And I’m just like “you being scared is not gonna help anything.” Me being crippled with fear – to some extent – was me not trusting God. Was me not trusting that God is faithful. Was me not trusting that whether I lose the baby, whether the baby carries to full term, I need to still praise God in the midst of that.
But God is There in the Midst of the Struggle
So, I think now, where I am, I would encourage Christians. We know that we’re gonna go through suffering. We obviously pray that we don’t! But I think when we do, God is there. God is there. I think we’re tempted to be just… to blame God. Because we don’t understand! But ultimately it’s also because we are not in control. I think it’s hard to accept that. That you are actually not in control. So that’s been a very sobering experience for me.”