What is Jesus’ counsel when being wronged by a fellow Christian? Some in Christian circles would argue that we must confront the individual in question and, if he or she does not repent, have nothing more to do with them. But, then, other believers find that too harsh, too hard, too unlike Christ. The battle cry for them is generally “forgive and forget.” After all, is that not what Christ did?
Jesus is calling us to an ongoing cycle of repentance.
But the real tragedy is that in our quandary over this question we often fail to act with any conviction at all. We never really answer the question: What is Jesus’ teaching on the subject of being wronged by a fellow Christian? Rather we choose neither to confront or to “forgive and forget.” And so we end up in a downward spiral of neverending bitterness and passive hostility.
So we desperately need an answer on this subject from the one to whom we claim to seek guidance. We need to know the counsel of Jesus when being wronged by a fellow Christian.
Jesus’ Counsel on the Subject of Confrontation
The most well-known and chronicled teaching of Jesus on confronting the one who has wronged you comes in Matthew 18:15. “If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”
There it is. In simplistic terms, Jesus calls us to move towards confrontation. He seems to immediately side with the hardliners. It seems he chooses to speak out about the harm caused rather than simply deciding to forgive and forget.
Jesus calls us to move towards confrontation. He seems to immediately side with the hardliners.
And yet as true followers of this Jesus, we owe him more than to simply reduce his teaching to a tweet-sized sound bite. We cannot afford to bring our 21st century hastiness to the teaching of our Lord and Saviour. In fact, our faith calls us to ensure we fully understand this statement, as with any utterance of our Lord. And that means understanding the context and overarching message of his entire teaching—both in Matthew 18 as well as in the rest of his earthly instruction.
Jesus’ Counsel on the Father’s Will
In the verse immediately preceding the one given above, Jesus has just finished telling us about the will of our Father. He says, “It is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones perish” (Matthew 18:14).
The manner in which we confront others needs to be borne out of a desire to act in accordance with the Father’s will.
Whatever Jesus’ reasons were for calling us to confront our brother when he sins against us, it must surely be governed by the will of our Father in heaven that no one should perish. Somehow the manner in which we confront others with their sin, needs to be borne out of a desire to act in accordance with the will of the Father. We act with the deliberate intention of warning our brother of the danger of perishing.
More than that, surely the will of the Father was at the heart of Jesus’ decision to empty himself by assuming the form of a servant, to take on the likeness of humanity. And when he had come as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death—even to death on a cross (Philippians 2:7-8).
That is the extent that Jesus went to in order to satisfy the will of his Father. And Paul calls us to “adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5). Whatever this adoption of Jesus’ attitude would look like in our lives, surely there is no room for having nothing more to do with the party that has wronged us.
On the Subject of the Risk of Perishing
In fact, if we are believers who take the will of the Father seriously, and look to adopt the same attitude as Christ Jesus, we just as much cannot ever abdicate our responsibility to warn our fellow believers of the risk of perishing. And yet, Jesus envisages the possibility of three failed attempts when confronting our fellow Christian. In fact he advises us that in the possible eventuality of the failure of the third attempt we should “let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you” (Matthew 18:17).
According to HELPS Word-studies the sense of the word “Gentile” to Jesus’ original audience was of a “non-Israelite person…standing outside God’s covenant (salvation).” Similarly a tax-collector was the epitome of someone living in ongoing, unrepentant, deliberate sin.
We cannot ever abdicate our responsibility to warn our fellow believers of the risk of perishing.
To that audience such a call was akin to treating the wrongdoer as if they were destined to perish. In effect this decision avoided any confusion as to their status before the throne of God were they to die immediately. It is not the Father’s will to have nothing more to do with the sinner. Rather it is for them to know unambiguously the danger they are in before him. To know their desperate need for repentance.
What is Jesus’ Counsel on Forgiveness?
Now to the other side of the debate. Just a handful of verses later, Jesus, in answering a question put forward by the apostle Peter, calls us to forgive our brother continuously without end. “I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22).
There is no upper limit to the Father’s forgiveness.
The emphasis in this verse is not on keeping count. After all this gave rise to Jesus’ parable on the unforgiving servant that was forgiven “ten thousand talents” (Matthew 18:24). To Hebrew understanding this was “a very large number, innumerable.” We today might say off-handedly this servant owed “millions and millions.” Clearly there is no upper limit to the Father’s forgiveness. He quite simply wants no one to perish and so where there is confession he will always forgive in order to achieve that.
What is Jesus’ Counsel When Being Wronged by a Fellow Christian?
So where does that leave us? What is Jesus’ teaching on the subject of being wronged by a fellow Christian? Rather than his teaching being about either confrontation or forgiveness, it is about the will of the Father. And by extension his will for us. Jesus is calling us to an ongoing cycle of repentance. It is the life of a penitent sinner before the throne of God. This cycle is one of confrontation, humiliation, repentance, and forgiveness.
We ourselves are in desperate need of the Father’s compassion.
Rather than ever taking offense when confronted, a truly penitent sinner before the cross of Christ would rejoice that God loves him enough to motivate someone to bring his sin to his attention. We can rejoice that any confrontation we face shows us that he has no desire for us to perish. But it must start with each of us recognising that we ourselves will always be the servant owing millions and millions. We ourselves are in desperate need of the Father’s compassion.
We must all recognise our individual need for Jesus’ salvation. All believers need to be living in a constant state of willing repentance as well as concern for their brother. It should be a joy for us to live in a community that shares the will of our Father that none of us should perish. If we are not living in such a fashion, then there is a real risk of deceiving ourselves as to our salvation and so of ultimately perishing.
