Recently, my wife and I were invited to lead the procession at a friend’s wedding. They asked us months earlier, and we felt honoured to accept. In Malawi, serving as the leading couple is a mark of respect and trust. It also means opening the dance floor, which is no small challenge for me. My wife dances with grace, but I often feel uncertain when the music begins. As we stepped forward, I thought again about the many lessons God has taught me throughout our marriage, as we’ve walked together in his grace.
God uses marriage to make us more like Christ.
I want to share what I have learned so far about marriage and how God uses it to shape us. Whether you are single, newly married, or many years down the road, I hope you will see that marriage is not only a blessing but also a means God uses to make us more like Christ.
My Early Expectations
When I got married, I believed that our shared faith would make life together easy. I knew we both loved the Lord and shared the same values. And I assumed that would make everything fairly simple. However, I quickly discovered that marriage brings out both the best and the worst in us. Two people with different strengths, weaknesses, and habits must learn to live together every day. It didn’t take long to see that marriage requires more grace and humility than I ever expected.
God’s Purpose for Marriage
Ephesians 5:25-27 says that marriage is about more than companionship. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself for her, to make her holy. Christ’s love isn’t based on feelings alone but on a commitment to serve and to sanctify. As Gary and Betsy Ricucci write in Love That Lasts, “God designed marriage to be one of the primary relationships through which he conforms us to the image of Christ.” Every disagreement and every act of forgiveness becomes part of God’s work to make us more like his Son.
Marriage isn’t primarily about our happiness but God’s work in our hearts.
Paul also writes in Colossians 3:12-14 that believers are to “put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” These qualities are essential in marriage. They remind us that marriage is not primarily about our happiness but about God’s work in our hearts.
Facing My Own Sinfulness
One of the hardest parts of marriage is facing my own selfishness. I never imagined how often I would need to lay down my preferences. Ricucci also writes that “marriage is a call to die to yourself and to live for another, just as Christ died for his bride, the church.” That call isn’t easy. My instinct is to protect my own interests; to justify my actions. Yet God uses marriage to remind me that true love is sacrificial and patient. Each day, he gives me opportunities to serve my wife and to show her the same grace he has shown me.
True love is sacrificial and patient.
I remember one evening when we had a disagreement about finances. I spoke quickly, eager to defend my opinion. Later, I saw how I had wounded my wife by not listening. God used that moment to show me my pride and to remind me of Christ’s humility. I asked for her forgiveness, and she extended it graciously. In that small act, I saw how marriage teaches us to rely on God’s grace every day.
The Blessing of Community
One of the greatest gifts in our marriage has been the support of the local church. At Antioch Baptist, older couples have shared their stories with us. They remind us that every marriage faces struggles and that God’s grace is enough for every season. Friends have prayed with us when we felt weak and celebrated with us in times of joy. Marriages cannot thrive in isolation. God calls us to walk with others who encourage us, correct us, and remind us of his faithfulness.
Marriages cannot thrive in isolation. God calls us to walk with others.
The Puritans often described marriage as a “school of character,” a place where God refines us through daily life together. They believed that the local church plays a vital role in that process. This perspective has helped us appreciate the value of walking alongside other believers who can help us grow.
Everyday Joys and Challenges
Marriage has also brought joy I did not expect. My wife sees things I miss. She comforts me when I am discouraged and challenges me to trust God in new ways. Her strengths help me grow. Together we see more of God’s goodness than we would alone. At the same time, marriage has tested my patience and revealed my pride. I have learned that even my best intentions can fall short. Yet every failure is an opportunity to learn humility and to ask for forgiveness.
A Word for Singles and Newlyweds
If you are single, I hope you will see that marriage is not a shortcut to happiness. It is a place where God reveals your heart and teaches you to love selflessly. You do not need to wait for marriage to begin learning these lessons. Serve those around you. Practice humility. Ask God to help you love others well. These habits will prepare you for whatever path he has for you.
Struggles don’t mean you are failing.
If you are newly married, remember that struggles do not mean you are failing. They mean God is at work. Pray together often, even if it feels awkward. Seek advice from couples who have walked this road before you. Choose to forgive quickly and to speak gently. These small steps, taken daily, build a strong foundation for the future.
Practical Steps to Grow
Here are a few ways to let grace shape your marriage:
- Pray together each day, even if only for a minute
- Ask for help when you need it
- Remember that your spouse is not your opponent; face challenges as a team
- Spend time in God’s word, letting his truth guide your words and actions.
Christ Our Hope
At the end of the day, marriage is not about perfect spouses. It is about a perfect Saviour. Our hope does not rest in how well we love each other but in how Christ loved us. He gave himself for the church, washing us clean and presenting us in splendour. His love gives us the strength to love each other, even when it feels hard.
Marriage isn’t about perfect spouses. It is about a perfect Saviour.
Marriage is a journey of grace. It is a daily dying to self and a daily rising to serve. It isn’t always easy. But it is always good, because Christ is using it to make us more like himself. Marriage points us to the greatest relationship of all: the love between Christ and his church. May we keep looking to him, trusting that he’ll finish the work he has begun, one step at a time.
