In the few years I have been a pastor’s wife, I have learnt that there are many expectations of a pastor’s wife. These are both stated and unstated. Some expectations are legitimate (i.e. you should be a healthy church member, a godly wife and mother, and so on). But some expectations are unrealistic or lack biblical basis.
Unrealistic and unbiblical expectations are burdensome.
The legitimate expectations are good for any Christian walking in the faith. For the Lord has set the standard that we should live by. These standards are given to us through his word, which is our rule of faith and practice. It is however, the unrealistic and unbiblical expectations that tend to be burdensome. In talking to other pastor’s wives I realised this is an age-old problem.
Unrealistic expectations usually require the pastor’s wife to be a super woman of sorts. She should attend all meetings without fail; lead ministries; raise an ideal, perhaps sinless family; visit everyone; and be friends with everyone. Though stretched every which way, she should be able to manage all of this with a smile on her face.
People Expect Many Things From the Pastor’s Wife
Now, living up to any one person’s expectations is quite a challenge. But living up to the expectations of a couple hundred people is impossible. Trying to meet all the expectations will, for anyone who tries, be a taxing pursuit. Sure you might meet the expectations of one or two, even more. But in the process you will definitely let many others down. Trying to be everything for everyone will leave you exhausted, drained and lacking in identity. So, you should ask yourself: who am I? Who have I been called to be?
Living up to the expectations of a couple hundred people is impossible.
By the grace of God, over the past few years I’ve learnt who I am in Christ. I know who he’s called me to be. Yet I must often remind myself of the things that God requires of me, over against the things that man requires of me. Sometimes I forget these truths. However, I’m reminded by God’s word and by the people God has so graciously blessed me with. So I hope that these truths can serve as a reminder for you as well.
1. You Have One Lord: Jesus Christ
You are redeemed, bought by the blood of Christ if you have received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. Christ makes us complete in him. And in him we have our being (Colossians 2:10-14). The Lord Jesus Christ has saved you from your sin so that you should glorify and enjoy him forever.
2. Belong and Serve Your Local Church
Having been saved, you are part of the body of Christ, a member of a local church. Therefore you should be a healthy church member: submitting to the leadership of your church; and serving the body of Christ using the gifts that God has given you. You should love and care for other members of the body, to the best of your abilities (1 Corinthians 12:12-13, 27-31).
3. Love Your Husband
You have been called to submit to your own husband, to love him and serve him. A marriage between a man and a woman is symbolic of Christ’s relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:22-24). We, the church are Christ’s bride; He is the bridegroom who loves his bride with a sacrificial love. What a blessing it is, therefore, to model what a godly marriage should be. Desire to be your husband’s friend. Love him faithfully and wholeheartedly, to the glory of God.
4. Instruct Your Children
Like any other believing woman, you are to teach your children who God is (Deuteronomy 6:7). You are to train them up in the way they should go, so that when they’re old they don’t not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). Crucially, “the way” in that proverb is Gods way; not man’s ways or preferences. You are to diligently teach them God’s word when you sit or lie down and as you walk by the way.
5. Prioritise Christian Maturity
Finally, you should continue to grow in grace and knowledge of the Lord (2 Peter 3:18). The temptation to put down your Bible, and stop reading Christian literature will be great—especially in times of difficulty or in the midst of busy schedules. But by God’s grace and mercy we must strive to grow; continue to grow. Meditate on his word. Prioritise acts of love and service toward others. Cultivate greater affections for God and his people.
Anything that doesn’t grow is dead.
Anything that doesn’t grow is dead (James 2:17). Our adorning shouldn’t be merely outward, only being concerned with what we wear and the latest hair style (1 Peter 3:3). Looking good is fine. But we should be more concerned with our inner beauty, the condition of our hearts. “Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in Gods sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).
Meet God’s Expectations
Remember first what God requires of you.
Dear pastor’s wife, people will always have some kind of expectation of you, simply because of the man you chose to marry. Some will be legitimate expectations; others unbiblical. So remember first what God requires of you. Strive to become more and more like Christ rather than to fulfil the wishes of people. Cherish those who remind you of who God has called you to be. Read his word and be encouraged.
