I recently attended a singles workshop at my church called: Unwanted Singleness. I initially thought, as the workshop’s title suggested, that it would be filled with all the usual advice about being content with singleness and not idolising marriage. But it didn’t stop there. It was a very solid, Christ-centred event, something talks on singleness often aren’t. It also provided a safe space for the single women in my church to speak about their struggles with the desire for marriage.
Being single sometimes feels like you belong to the last tribe of Israel, waiting to be allotted land.
I joked with a friend sitting next to me at the event: being single sometimes feels like you belong to the last tribe of Israel, waiting to be allotted land (marriage); at other times it feels more like you belong to the tribe of Levi, where the Lord is your portion, and you will be single forever. Right? Here are a few reflections on what I learnt.
The biggest lesson I took away is that it’s possible to long for marriage and at the same time be content in Jesus. Paul says he learned to be content (Philippians 4:11-12). Like Paul, we haven’t arrived. This life is a struggle of desires and the temptation to growing discontent. Nancy DeMoss reiterated that when Paul was writing of contentment, he was asking for his coat and books (Philippians 4:16). In other words, one can be both content and in need; one can desire for something without being discontent.
Being Content, Single While Desiring Marriage
Contentment means joyfully accepting what God has given today. It isn’t a mistake, this season you find yourself in. God has orchestrated all the events in your life for his glory and your good. Hold onto that with all your heart, even when it’s hard and doesn’t make sense. Our God is both sovereign and good. Trust him. Everything is tempered by divine love and compassion for his people.
It isn’t a mistake, this season you find yourself in.
Now, accepting that doesn’t mean denying the difficulty of your situation, of course. Consider a favourite, Psalm 23. David writes as the sheep, celebrating the character of his Shepherd. He defiantly and confidently acknowledges that God is his Shepherd; that he shall not want, for God will provide everything needful for every single day. Ultimately, however, he isn’t meeting our perceived needs but his chief purpose: that we would enjoy God and glory him forever, in every season. When his purpose is to glorify himself and bring about your good (or sanctification) in marriage, he’ll ordain it. But that doesn’t mean we passively wait. No, we actively engage in prayer and the appropriate steps that God calls us to take.
My dear single sister, or brother, believe in your heart that God is your Shepherd. Right now, you lack nothing. I know you may desire to get married. God, in his perfect will and timing, will bring that to fruition, if that is his will for you.
Two Temptations While Waiting
Learning to desire marriage in a healthy way and at the same time being content isn’t always easy. I’ve found that there’s a temptation to swing to two extremes.
The first presumes God is obligated to give me marriage. If he doesn’t, I start to think he’s shortchanged me. Furthermore, the unchecked desire for control can make one obsessive or anxious, sometimes both. Eventually, you rush into marriage, which may very well be a mistake. The second extreme is absolute resignation, believing that God isn’t able to provide a spouse. The result of this is skepticism, doubting God’s goodness or his power, or both. This is nothing more than a broken coping mechanism, that resists trusting God.
Why Doesn’t God Just Tell Me?
Deep in the recesses of your heart, most singles wish God would just tell them. This way they’d know if they’re going to be single forever; or if marriage is around the corner.
Lay your unfulfilled longing before him. Walk with God. Don’t fret about his answer.
Lydia Brownback captures this sentiment well, in Fine China Is For Single Women Too. She writes, “God isn’t asking you to crush your desire. He is merely asking you to cling to him in the midst of it. Nor is he likely to tell you whether you will be single for one more day or for a lifetime. Where, then, would be the impetus to hold fast to him? If life were certain, if we knew the future, we’d be less likely to cling to God for every little thing. That is why Jesus taught us, when we pray, to ask our Father to supply our needs one day at a time. ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ (Matthew 6:11).”
Thus, you can and should confidently pray that God would fulfil your desire to marry. Believe it. Be expectant. Pursue it in godliness. But, at the same time, pursue Jesus with all your heart. Seek to love him above all else. Make him your desire over and above marriage. Find joy in him, while also laying your unfulfilled longing before him. Walk with God and don’t fret about his answer.
His Ways Are Perfect, Not Yours
Psalm 18:31 reminds us that God’s way is perfect. Therefore we can trust him, embracing his grace for every day, even in the midst of hard times. This includes days when we wake up to loneliness and discouragement; cold evenings when we long for another warm body to snuggle; and envy or anger watching others walk down the aisle. Even in these times, we should turn to Jesus in repentance and keep running the race set before for us. Biblical faith doesn’t require us to deny reality. It calls us to cling to God and desire him above all else.
Make God your desire over and above marriage.
Jerry Bridges, in Trusting God, describes the work of God in our lives so well. He writes, “God’s guidance is almost always step-by-step; he does not show us our life’s plan all at once. Sometimes our anxiousness to know the will of God comes from a desire to ‘peer over God’s shoulder’ to see what his plan is. What we need to do is learn to trust him to guide us.”
Resolve to Live Out These Truths
I am not writing as someone who’s responded perfectly to being single. I’ve experienced sweet and joyful seasons, as well as seasons where I have struggled with unbelief and self-pity. I’ve found it hard to trust God. In all these diverse seasons, I’ve resolved to love and pursue Christ, to find joy where he’s placed me today. I also strive to walk in repentance when my heart drifts away, bringing my struggles to him in prayer. So I pray to be content with all that the Lord provides for my life, and despite what he doesn’t.
David was able to say, ‘I shall not want’ because he knew God (Psalm 23:1). He knew his character. Do you know this Shepherd? Not just knowing about him, but having a personal relationship with Him? If the answer is yes, do you desire to know him better so that you’re able to rest in him more, trusting that he loves you completely in Christ and will fulfil his purpose for you?
A Call to All Singles Who Desire Marriage
God’s people are always characterised by waiting.
God’s people are always characterised by waiting. At any point in life, there is always something for which you are waiting on God. Even Paul longed for glory, to with the Lord (Philippians 1:23). True joy and complete satisfaction won’t be found solely in the answer to your prayers. Rather, we gain it through trusting God, even in the midst of the disappointment and unanswered prayers. Even when hope is deferred, all our desires will eventually be fulfilled. May God help us to trust him all the way, as he leads us home. Trusting him isn’t a destination; it’s a process throughout life. Its end is glory.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
