I recently celebrated my 39th birthday. When I reflect on the years as a single woman, I realise that I have made several mistakes that could have been avoided. How gracious God has been to not only preserve me, but also enable me to see the foolishness and futility of my ways. He has grown me and continues to show me that his way is best. And so I can resound with Psalm 1:1-2, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.”
1. Not Setting Emotional Boundaries
One of the mistakes that I have made as a single woman was failing to set emotional boundaries in my relationships with the opposite sex. I am very familiar with Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” However, I often opened up my heart too quickly to young Christian men without any intentionality, clarity or commitment on their part. I gave those men a certain degree of exclusivity, allowing them to engage in conversation, prayer, and involvement in their lives, which wasn’t true of other men who are my friends. So I have ended up in situationships and on occasion, with a broken heart.
2. Idolising Marriage
During Form 6 vacation (aged 18), I started praying for my husband, even setting aside time to fast. Later, at university, I listened to and believed a subtle view that my faithfulness in serving the Lord and keeping sexually pure would be rewarded with marriage. I longed for companionship. I was convinced that without marriage, I wouldn’t enjoy a full life. So I felt like a complete fraud when I sang words like, “God, you are more than enough for me,” during worship. Later on, the Lord helped me learn that I can be content in him, while also desiring to be married. In his mercy, God has helped me prize Christ above all else, even marriage.
3. Believing the Lie About Spirit Spouses
As I waited on the Lord for a spouse, I dreamt of myself getting married. In some of those dreams, I stood at the altar with someone whose face I couldn’t see. Around that time, dream interpretation had become a very popular trend. Some churches dedicated whole services to it.
I can’t be joined to a demon.
Although I never went to those services, I did come across Deliverance from Spirit Spouses. In it, Ben Nebechukwu claims that delay in marriage is due to spirit spouses. Sadly, I believed the lie. I prayed and fasted for a whole week, declaring lies and scriptures grossly taken out of context. A few years later, God graciously helped me recognise that as a believer I’m indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Thus, I can’t be joined to a demon.
4. Self-Gratification
I used the excuse that God was withholding marriage.
During my high school years, I consumed a lot of romantic and erotic literature. All of this later led to a struggle with masturbation. Although I seemed to gain the upper hand over it, it would rear its ugly head at unexpected times. I knew it was sinful. But I used the excuse that God was withholding marriage. Gradually, God has helped me understand that gratifying my own sexual desires isn’t part of his design for me. Whatever temptations I face, his grace is sufficient for me to say no to sin.
5. Expecting Christian Brothers to Prioritise Sexual Purity
A few times, I have found myself in awkward situations because I put Christian brothers on a pedestal. In some of the friendships I hoped would lead to marriage, I mistakenly thought we held similar biblical views concerning sexual purity. My reasoning and expectations were proven wrong. I later learnt the importance of having conversations on expectations and boundaries from the outset. As the years have passed, I’m more convinced than ever of the necessity of having a community like Conscious Connections for accountability and long-term dating success.
6. Dating an Unbeliever
I always thought I completely believed 2 Corinthians 6:14. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” However, during university, temptation took advantage of the fact that there was an intelligent architecture student, who had all the mannerisms of a gentleman, and a young woman longing to be in a relationship for the first time. I succumbed to it. But thank God. For he used Passion 2008 to remind me of this biblical truth, and I ended a two-week-old relationship that could have ruined my walk with him.
7. Cherishing Temptation (and Cultivating Sin)
When I found myself overly enjoying fantasies about relationships and marriage, I knew there was a problem. I had begun to cherish the poisonous root that is temptation. As John Owen reminds us, “He hates not the fruit, who delights in the root.” And as time would go on to show, it’s fantasies like these that sometimes resulted in masturbation.
Time has shown me the truth of the heart being deceitful.
Aside from these fantasies, like many others, I have found myself watching shows and movies that get me thinking in unbiblical ways about romance and sex. However, the invitation to do this is so subtle. Many times, I’ve found myself saying, ‘That is mostly a great show without any significant harm,’ only to reap the benefits later because I didn’t carefully watch my heart. My heart has often latched onto implicit suggestions and views, and unbeknownst to me, has laid them up for a suitable opportunity. This cherishing of temptation extends not only to the things we watch but also to the company we keep, the hobbies we pursue, and numerous other aspects of our lives. And whilst doing this, we convince ourselves that since this is not outrightly harmful, it is okay.
Time has shown me the truth that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Yet God has graciously shown me the necessity of watching my heart at every turn, relying on him to avoid entering into temptation. He has also used a favourite verse, Philippians 4:8, as a reminder of the kind of things I should be meditating on.
8. Not Praying Through Fears, Insecurities or Disappointments
My journey as a single has been strewn with various worries and hurts. Those often led to grumbling; I would throw spiritual tantrums and escape in unhelpful ways. But I know now that if I’d prayed like the psalmists through those experiences, I would have been spiritually benefited!
Those struggles led to me throwing spiritual tantrums.
Consider Psalm 3. David pours out his heart to God in a season of great disappointment. As he pours out his fears, he’s reminded of where his primary identity comes from. “You, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head” (Psalm 3:3). God has used many of the late Tim Keller’s sermons on praying like the psalmists to grow me in this discipline.
9. Comparing Myself and My Situation With Others
Sometimes I felt that God had forgotten me when I heard stories of younger schoolmates, cousins and friends getting married. I’ve wondered why the Lord seems to be withholding this gift from me. But God has been teaching me that he has already given me the very best in Christ Jesus, and that whatever he has ordained for me in him is right. Like Jesus’ words to Peter, I don’t need to be envious of his plans for others (John 21:20-22). Rather, I need to simply follow him. And this following should be accompanied by the continual resting in his absolute goodness.
10. Barely Meditating on the Marriage Supper in Glory
Until 2020, I don’t think I’d ever made time to think deeply about what it would mean to see Christ face-to-face. Yet Peter writes, “preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:13). Looking back, if I’d been meditating on this hope, I would’ve made fewer mistakes as a single woman. Meditating on this glorious truth would have informed how I looked at my circumstances and faced temptations.
Meditating on this would’ve transformed how I looked at my circumstances.
Knowing now that this experience of seeing Christ face-to-face will transcend every earthly experience of pleasure and satisfaction, I pray that the Lord enables me to meditate and rejoice increasingly, so that I’ll be grounded in obedience, holiness and contentment.
