Preparation for one’s wedding comes with great anticipation about what married life will look like. There are many dreams you nurture about what you will do and how you will do it. Married life comes with its absolute thrills. But because you’re two imperfect people, honest and selfish mistakes are bound to happen. Going into marriage, we can be a little naive about the reality of two sinners living in holy matrimony. Looking back, I’m struck by some of the mistakes I made as a newlywed, many of which could’ve been avoided. By God’s providence, they led to bonding opportunities for us as a couple. But I’m sharing them with the hope that I can help others.
1. Frustrating His Leadership
As the newlywed bride, I often felt my husband needed to listen to my opinion. It wasn’t enough that he acknowledged or considered them. I wanted, or needed, to see that he incorporated them into every decision. This meant that if he didn’t do as I suggested, I often wrongly concluded that he didn’t treat me as an equal or worse, that he didn’t love me.
I wanted to see my opinions incorporated into every one of my husband’s decisions.
It took me some time to understand that we were two people who would most likely see many things differently and need time to negotiate how well we could come up with good compromises. I had to learn to trust his leadership style and that it is okay not to always have it my way.
2. Neglecting Intimacy
I didn’t anticipate how much my husband craved sexual intimacy and struggled to see it as a gift to our young marriage. And so, I often put it on or off, depending on how I felt. This led to neglect on my part. Contrary to popular belief, intimacy (sexual and non-sexual) doesn’t come automatically. Instead, it requires intentional and consistent nurturing, from both parties. Intimacy should also be driven by loving concern for your spouse rather than your preferences.
3. Not Appreciating My Husband’s Need for Serenity
My husband appreciates the quiet house environment, mainly because he works from home. Our courtship period had been upbeat. But my suspicions were confirmed early into our marriage that he’s very introverted. He needs time alone. Time to think and study, without the excitement I often craved within our home space.
I struggled to understand this difference between us.
Usually, after a visit or a hectic day, I would return rejuvenated, but he, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to crawl onto the couch and tap out. Deep conversations or catching up with pending decisions could wait; he needed rest. I struggled to understand this difference between us and often punished him by sulking.
4. Ignoring Opportunities to Help
As a wife of seven years, the most common questions I ask my husband are: what does your week look like? Where do you need my help? But as a newlywed, I remember mindlessly going about my programs with friends or workmates. I showed little to no concern for him. This also included failing to take notice of the small routines we needed to even-out, like sleeping time; wake up time; how often I was on call; and when he needed me to go with him for ministry engagements. I struggled to re-align my other commitments within my marriage and new home life.
5. Consistent Blame
Rather than outdoing him in love my keen eye often found something to correct.
We all know the magic of praise, how it uplifts the receiver and renews their resolve to serve time and again. Looking back now, I can’t help but notice the criticism I often heaped on my husband’s efforts. Rather than outdoing him in love with praise for what he did well, my keen eye often found something to correct him about. I bet this wearied him out every time we talked.
6. A Selfish Attitude in Conflict
Our pre-marital counselling sessions gave us ample time to talk about the normalcy of conflict. In those sessions, we even discussed how to resolve conflicts quickly and well. Nonetheless, when we clashed as newlyweds, I often got feisty, prolonged the fight or assumed the worst about what he said or did. I lacked the wisdom, tact and humility to hold off all judgment until I got a reasonable explanation. I rarely waited for my emotions to cool.
We eventually learned to postpone sensitive issues to gain clarity. But that took a lot of emotional discipline for me to get there.
7. Lacking a Diligent Plan for the Home
When we returned from our honeymoon, it was unbelievable how much housework needed my attention. This was on top of my 8-to-5 job. I thought I would be a happy newlywed, excited about serving my husband and home. Instead, I spent half the time complaining and nagging while going about the house chores. It would have helped for us to devise a plan on how to tackle those tasks and ask for his support.
8. Unrealistic and Unfair Expectations
I was naive to not mentally prepare for the reality of the often mundane home environment. If you are the life of the party, like I was, grappling with weary days from work, the hard conversations about what to cook, and who does the shopping was a trying adjustment for me as a newlywed.
To expect that we’d always feel and have excitement around the house was a stretch.
The movies usually show a serene picture of husband and wife just doing whatever they want, without bills or traffic jams. In short, marriage is depicted as two best friends in a 24/7 fun-factory. Nevertheless, most movies will skip the mundane and repetitive but necessary tasks that make up the home. I’m not suggesting there should be no excitement at home. But to expect that you should always feel and have it around the house was a stretch.
9. Being too Proud to Ask for His Help
I remember feeling shy about asking for my husband’s help, whether regarding a stressful day at work or a difficult friendship. Sometimes, I’d be feeling completely overwhelmed at home but refused to ask for help. Instead, I’d be grumpy until he asked me why I was acting that way. Only then I’d bring up that I was desperate for help. If he didn’t notice, my temper would flare. What a waste of time.
10. Lack of Commitment Towards Personal Hobbies
Before I was ever in love, there were hobbies that I’d enjoyed. But as a newlywed, I subconsciously put them off. I’m extroverted and adventurous; my husband is more of a homebody. I loved running, spending time with my girlfriends, going places, and listening to live music. He enjoyed movies and reading, board games and (in short) homebound activities. I don’t mind doing them. Even though the outdoors is my go-to place for deeply satisfying rejuvenation, I morphed into his persona—perhaps to please him. And as time went on, I resented him for it. I felt like I was doing his stuff while he was not trying to participate in mine.
It was a great relief when he turned around and asked me: who said you should turn into me?
